A Thousand Broken Pieces (A Thousand Boy Kisses #2)

by Tillie Cole

Savannah tilted her head to me, and the love I saw in her eyes would stay with me for a lifetime. I wasn’t sure anyone had ever seen me the way Savannah saw me. I’d never loved anyone like the way I was so consumed by her and everything she was and stood for.

She laughed and it was like hearing happiness.

The way you process it does not make you weak. I need you to know that.”

Truth was, I could have stayed that way with her forever. Safe in my arms. Safe from harm.

Yet they were still here, trying. Trying so hard for me. Unlocking my phone, I texted back: I love you both too. Miss you. Dad’s response was immediate. Dad: Cael. Son. Thank you for texting back. We want to speak to you more than anything. Hear your voice. But we’ll wait until you’re ready. We’re just so happy you’ve responded. We miss you so much and are so proud of you. Keep going, Cael. We love you. Please keep talking to us.

were his happy place. He had become mine.

“I can’t believe I met you,” he whispered against my lips. Familiar flutters dove through my body. Butterflies that answered solely to the command of Cael’s kisses and touch. “Every day I wake up, and I thank the universe that it brought you to me.” Cael shook his head as in disbelief. “How have I been so lucky?” He exhaled. “I don’t deserve you, Sav. And I won’t ever take you for granted.” His heartfelt words made me breathless.

“Because your heart knows I’ll protect you.” He swallowed, showing vulnerability. “That I’ll always keep you safe.” His voice turned gravelly. “That I’ll never stop loving you.” My chest bloomed with warmth. “Because I couldn’t love you more if I tried.”

Why couldn’t Cillian have stayed alive too?

“We all know that depression is a nasty, destructive mood disorder. But the problem is, many people skirt over just how debilitating it can be.”

“depression, for some, can be so difficult to live with that it is a terminal illness.”

“Depression is a sickness that eats away at all happiness and light until there is nothing left but hopelessness and despair. Like cancer ravishes the body, depression ravishes the mind, the soul, the spirit. It’s a silent killer, stealing life away gradually, moment by moment, extinguishing all light from the soul.”

I hope when you read this, your life is full of love and light. If it isn’t, my task to you is to work to let that light in. Bathe in grace, and light and hope will spread to those around you. Infect them with joy. Cover them with a love so unyielding that they have no choice but to feel that love in the marrow of their bones.

You are my ray of sunshine. And always will be.

I had found ways to move on. Warmth traveled through my veins, and I remembered Poppy’s words in her journal. “Search for happiness, Savannah. Then spread that happiness and hope to all you meet. Especially those who need it most. You are my ray of sunshine. And always will be. I know you can be that for those who need it too.”

Tala’s face grew serious. “Where is she now?” she asked, and my soul cried. I stared into her forest-green eyes. “In Heaven,” I said, and I let myself believe that with my entire heart.

“She shone so brightly in this life, I knew she could only shine brighter in the next.”

“I can do this,” I said to Mia. “I know I can.” I smiled and said, “Because I’ll have Poppy in my heart.” Mia’s eyes shone and she held me in her arms. “I’m so proud of you, my girl.” “Thank you,” I whispered. The truth was, I was proud of me too. And I was immeasurably proud of Poppy for making me see this. For her journal, pushing me and holding me through the pages when I didn’t have her arms to embrace me in real life. And I was proud of Tala, for allowing me this gift—of speaking to her, of helping me find my inner strength when I thought it had been lost. I was honored I’d met her.

I would take on whatever came next with gratitude in my heart. Because I had a light I could share with the world. Just like Poppy had. We shared the same blood. What ran through her ran through me. I would do this for us both.

And the way I now looked for Cillian.

“I’ll never understand how the hell you took a chance on me. But I’ll never stop being grateful.”

“You’ve given me so much, Savannah, and I don’t think you understand how much that means to me.” Cael’s voice cut out and I pressed my forehead to his, just feeling him, breathing him in. “I just wanted to give you something back…give you back a part of Poppy.”

“I’d do anything to make you happy, Peaches.”

Each day spent here was one step closer to having to say goodbye to the girl who had become my world, my pillar holding me up. My only solace was that she was coming to New England in the fall.

These plates had been broken into pieces, but we were going to take something irreparably damaged, and make it work again.

“The shattered pieces may take longer to find, and they certainly would take longer to fix back together. But any broken plate can be mended with time and the sheer tenacity to do it.”

“That that which is broken, once repaired, can be more beautiful than it was before.”

Loss changed you. But you could heal. You could repair your fractured spirit with golden lacquer and hold on to life. That life wouldn’t look the same ever again. But it didn’t mean that it wouldn’t be worthwhile. That it wouldn’t be beautiful. Perhaps loss taught a person to love life more. Because you understood what it was like to lose that life. You wouldn’t take it for granted anymore.

I wanted a life with this girl. I wanted to find happiness with her too. I just wanted her, in every way.

But when we began to repair them, maybe we melded them back together to create our two hearts as one.

Rune’s eyes softened and a hint of sadness flickered in their depths for a few seconds. “I never miss the cherry blossoms, Sav.” He touched his camera. “I still have to show my girl.” The pictures on Poppy’s grave.

I ducked my head so he wouldn’t see me break. It clearly didn’t work, because he said, “For now, I see her in my dreams, Sav. I talk to her every day, and I know she hears me. I see her perfect dimpled smile. And in my soul, she reassures me she’s happy and pain-free. I talk about her any chance I get. It keeps her alive to me.” His voice grew hoarse, thickened with emotion. “There’ll never be anyone else for me. Even from heaven, Poppy gives me more love than I could ever need.” He lifted his camera. “I travel the world and take pictures for her. In her honor. She gives me purpose, every day. And that helps me keep going. Helps me stay away from the darkness of grief.” His lip pulled up fondly at the side. “Poppy taught me that. How to cherish and love life. Even with her gone. I owe it to her to live for us both. I promised her. And would never break my promise to my girl.”

Rune kissed my hair and we sat in silence, just watching the trees my sister loved so much. Remembering her. Honoring her. Thinking of her. Loving her. Forever Always.

That was you, Savannah. The quiet in my storm. My solace. My steady breath. The beat of my heart.

I hope when you read this, you are healed. I hope as you read this final entry, you feel stronger. And believe that I am no longer in pain. Believe that I am walking beside you through life. I pray that you are able to look up at the sky and smile, knowing that I am still alive. That I am home where I belong, patiently waiting to have you back in my arms once again.

You’re my everything.”

The hard work was just beginning, but the love I had for Savannah, for my mom, my dad, for myself…and for Cillian. The love I had for all of them would get me through. And I would have Savannah back in my arms if it was the last thing I would do.

When I came on this trip, I was shattered into a thousand broken pieces. But one by one, the closer we grew to one another, you glued me back together. I’m not fully healed yet, but I am determined to do it for us. I love you, Peaches. Give me time, and I will run back to you as quickly as I can. I love you, Cael

As I reached Poppy’s grave, I smiled, seeing the picture of me and Rune in Kyoto taped to the bottom.

For hours we played. We laughed. I smiled. I breathed long, painless breaths. I won every game. And more importantly, I had a future to get back hold of. I promised my girl we would meet again. I wasn’t going to let her down.

“You never needed to get better for me. You were always enough. Even when you were deep in the trenches. You were always enough.”

“Forever,” Savannah echoed. “We’re here, at college together. I get to see you every day. I get to play hockey, get to be myself again. And you…you get to be a doctor, baby. I get to be your guy…” “I get to be your girl,” she said, happiness in her tone. “And we get to live life together.” Life. The strangest ride of ups and downs and heartache and loss. But also, a life with the world, the stars and the sun, joy and love. And of course, love. Love above most.

was given a view of his back. Because the boy I loved, who I had given my whole heart to, was no longer wearing number eighty-seven on his jersey. Now, number thirty-three was printed on his shirt. Cillian’s number. He was skating for Cillian. He was honoring his brother in the best way Cael knew how.

He played with his whole heart. He honored the brother he lost. Cael scored four goals. And Harvard won.

But this time, although it hurt, I didn’t crumble. Because I knew Rune was back with Poppy, reunited with his soulmate in their blossom grove, happy once again. It was the biggest comfort to think of them that way. No longer separated by life but together, where they always should have been.

“Peaches…” Cael said, and I opened my eyes. My heart began to race when I was met with Cael on one knee, holding a ring in his hand. I covered my mouth in shock. Cael’s eyes swam with happy tears, and I fought to breathe.

“When we came here years ago, we were both broken. We both felt there was no way back to happiness.” I saw the flash of sadness those words brought up in Cael’s gaze. “But we didn’t know we would find each other on this trip. We didn’t know we would find our soulmate and the other half of our heart outside of the States and across the world.” Cael smiled as tears began to stream down my cheeks. “That trip changed my whole life. It taught me to live, to be strong, but mostly, it taught me to love, even through pain. And I have, Peaches. I have loved you more than I ever thought possible. You are my reason for breathing. You make me happier than I could have ever dreamed. You are the greatest thing in my life, and I wanted to ask…if you’d do me the honor of being my wife.”

“I waited so long to do this as I wanted to give you space for your studies without the pressure of a wedding. But honestly, baby, I couldn’t wait one more day to have a ring on your finger and truly make you mine. Officially.”

Then he blew me away when he said, “I wasn’t at a training camp last weekend.” I furrowed my brows in confusion. “I was in Georgia asking your daddy for permission to marry his baby girl.”

Because I did. Losing a loved one, no matter the circumstances, was the most heartbreaking thing a person could endure. But living for them, loving them even after loss, was healing too. Because they would always be around us, wanting us to live with all our hearts. Wanting us to love and wanting us to live a life so full, there would be no room for regrets when our time to pass arrived.