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How I hadn’t had an orgasm for over eighteen months with Ian and how I’d since fallen down a blissful (if not overly specific) rabbit hole of pirate smut and fan fiction.
Lol
And damn my brain for working how it does, but in this moment, I can’t help but compare her to Legoless.
That was me alerting them that I was being forced to witness their passion against my will.”
Lol
“Grief changes you,”
“Listen, I’m a teacher.” I put my palms up in surrender. “No one wants what I’m selling, I just find ways to trick them into absorbing it.”
“And I decided a long time ago that life being too short and too beyond my control meant that I’d let the small stuff feel big. To me, at least. If it’s something that doesn’t matter to most, I think that means someone’s gotta care a little more, right?
“When you lose people,” I begin, and I see him instantly tense. “When you lose people and you’re forced to internalize how little control you actually have … I think in the face of that, it’s easy for everything else to feel senseless, too. Like, what’s the point of pretty clothes or a perfect night sky or any of those inconsequential things that bring us joy? Why should any of it matter when it’s all so easily wiped away?” I brave finding his eyes again. “I believe it’s either that, or … or you decide that everything matters. All of it, all that little shit. Everything in the present and how
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I think therapy might be making me more in tune with other people’s emotions instead of helping me sort out my own.
“I’d wager he just knew you were too far above him, so he tried to bring you to his level. By making the things that light you up seem dim to him.”
“I promise I’ll make it quick,” she says. And because my pride is still a little wounded, I decide to do an experiment. “What if I don’t like it quick, Sage?” I ask, rapt on her reaction. “What if I prefer to savor things. Want it good and slow and drawn out?”
“Sagebyrd,” he says, like bluebird or blackbird or like I’m some exotic, rare species he’s just discovered and named. Just like that, it’s officially the only nickname I’ve ever loved.
Putting myself in a position where I’d be subjected to more of this attraction might not be wise, given that there’s nowhere for it to go in the end. I suppose I could try to savor it until then, though. To have some fun in the interim.
“I said,” the voice says louder this time, and every head in the room turns toward Ellis. “She’s still a Byrd,” he firmly states.
Ahhhh! I can’t wait for their book!
“As your friend, I don’t like when you try to make yourself seem small. And I’m sorry I ever belittled you before, I was wrong.” He huffs out a frustrated sound. “I don’t know how to defend you from yourself, though, Sage.”
People can’t follow your rules if you don’t make them clear. This applies in all your relationships: parenting, love, and friendships alike. If you don’t tell people what is and isn’t okay with you, they have no way of knowing.
“Your laugh is … I don’t know what it is, Sage, but your laugh…” I feel the muscles in his back bunch beneath my hands, the ones in his stomach contracting and relaxing against mine. “I think your laugh could maybe defibrillate me.”
“Now, you’re gonna get back on that bike and pedal home, kid. You know why? Because riding a bike is one of the greatest things. You might get hurt again, but you’re gonna have so much fun before that. The important thing is to have courage and try again. And what is courage, Indy?” A sniffle. Indy’s tiny voice saying, “Courage is a muscle.” You strengthen it with use.
And I’m so sorry, Sage, I know you didn’t ask for this. I know we were supposed to accept the impermanence of this thing with you and me, and enjoy it in the meantime, but I just keep digging in, and now I’m drowning in you, Sage.”
“Ethan,” I reply with a nod of my own. “Ian,” he corrects. I pretend I didn’t hear. I reserve maturity for people I actually like.
It won’t feel like the kind of work I want to blur my way through. I know I can have fun with it again. Maybe because I also know it’s not the sum of my worth, either. It’s not life or death—just some of the great shit in between.
Silas got separated from his crew on a ridge and fell down a mountainside. He’s alive but sustained major burns to 20 percent of his body, in addition to inhalation injury. He’s been put in a medically induced coma to keep him on a ventilator and to allow them to manage his pain.
Oh crap!
My eyes fill and start to spill over. “We can’t win. There’s no way for us to win,” I say. There’s no use denying it. “We do it anyway,” he says firmly. “It’s all worth it anyway.” And I know he’s talking about us, too.
“You just gotta row your own damn boat,” Sage had said.
“It’s been a privilege to fall in love with you, Sage,” I tell her helplessly. Her expression shatters, and I kiss the tears from her cheeks before I have to wrench myself away.
I think it’s those words he used that shred at me the most, when he said it had been a privilege. Because it was, wasn’t it? Even feeling how I do now, I would do it all again for the privilege of loving him, of being loved by him. He didn’t fix me, and I didn’t heal him, but we loved each other wholly.
Life’s short. Go to the library. Live a million different stories and see a million different places in one. You might not have control over some things, but you can always foster your imagination.
“You’re all the shapes made perfectly to hold me, and you’re all my favorite colors.” His lips press against my chin. “You’re definitely my favorite flavor,”
“I love you so much,” I have to say. “I love you, too. Please bring me home.”
I plan to savor every bit of it.
