House of Glass

by Sarah Pekkanen

You can be furious with your mother, Chelsea once told me. You can love her, and hate her, and desperately miss her too.

Of all the ghosts I carry with me, my mother’s haunts me most. The void she left in my life is so deep that I fear if I peer over the edge, I’ll tip in and never stop falling.

Fear takes many forms. It’s a great motivator. A powerful deterrent. If a person lives within it for a long time, it can change the contours of their world.

I read once that we humans are wired to create patterns, even unhealthy ones. The dynamics we learn at a young age, when our brains are the most malleable, are the same ones we seek out as adults. Predictability feels more necessary to us than positive change.