Loud: Accept Nothing Less Than the Life You Deserve

by Drew Afualo

who I am and what I do should never be conflated,

a system literally designed to be hostile to young women and especially young women of color

No matter what happens to you, or when, you’ll always continue to grow and evolve, and that’s something to be grateful for.

So while I continue to stay firmly planted on the necks of terrible men on the internet, this very text, through a combination of love, life lessons, and affirmative content, will be my guide and companion for you to work on the most important relationship of all: the one with yourself.

Because, contrary to terrible men’s belief, it’s not that my dad merely tolerates or puts up with my mom running the show. Her strength, outspokenness, and confidence are exactly what draws my dad to

my mom, and what makes him love, respect, and want to build a life with her forever. My mom makes my dad brave and gives him courage to try things. And my dad grounds my mom and reminds her that she deserves to rest and be taken care of, too. They inspire each other to want to be the best version of themselves, for the other, and that’s something I’ve always strived for in my relationship.

it helped me understand that there’s no such thing as “lesser” work when it comes to building a family and being a good partner—it’s all important.

Some people may say I’m being contrarian, but I say better to be contrarian than die a thousand little deaths of disrespect.

it leads us to expect the impossible from modern women, who are supposed to have a full-time job AND be responsible for their kids’ well-being AND cook a full dinner every night AND maintain a sense of beauty and youth that is not only unrealistic but exhausting.

I don’t know about you, but the only thing I hate more than a blatant misogynist is a misogynist who swears he isn’t one. Because the latter

means that he’s not only a misogynist, but also a coward who won’t admit it.

because, as it turns out, human beings are capable of cooking and cleaning and however they identify doesn’t affect their ability to do so (crazy, huh?).

Chores were done by whoever was able, capable, and around, and being a family unit meant we played to everyone’s strengths for the collective well-being, not individual egos.

She instilled in me the importance of cultivating that togetherness through special moments and celebration. Just like a flower grows through intentional care and attention, so does a family.

I think it’s important to keep this sense of wonder and adoration of the world to really remain grounded in the present.

it is extremely important to hold on to that fearless assertiveness from childhood,

My father always said about how he raised us, “If I open the door to trust, then I have to actually trust them.” The greatest gift you can give anyone, but especially a young person, is trust.

I always knew I could come to my parents, even with my mistakes, because I knew I could trust that they would not only be there, but also be there without judgment.

People like her pass on their own misguided beliefs to malleable young people, whether it’s intentional or not, which then elicits a new kind of violent prejudiced dynamic as it evolves with each new generation.

It’s not our fault if we are born ignorant, but it is our fault if we die that way.

question, no matter what that journey looks like, and that in your rush to grow up, you never forget the child you once were—

the beautiful thing about being alive is that there is something valuable to be learned at every phase of it.

Fuck being cool and fuck being chill. If the reward for being the “coolest” girl in the room is a sliver of attention from the world’s most mediocre men, then I would happily commit to never being chill.

to. I no longer give two shits if the things I like make me more or less appealing to men.

If your approach to connecting with anyone, not just men, is based on superiority, then it will never provide a stable foundation for a meaningful relationship of any kind.

Being a pick-me is the defense mechanism women develop in response when we understand, whether implicitly or explicitly, that the playing field has never been, is not, and may never be, level. After

And the greatest myth that any dominant structure tells the people it’s oppressing is that through suppressing or disparaging others like ourselves, we can convince those in power that we are not only worthy of protection but somehow more worthy than others. This is the competitive environment that brings out the pick-me in people, but where the only people who come out on top are those who had power all along.

you will never be equal if you have to ask for it in the first place.

No matter how many women you try to step on to be seen by the world’s most mediocre men, you will never be taller than any man. You will always be one step below. And how can they respect you when they’re always looking down at you?

How about you see DEEZ NUTS instead, pal?

I could scrub myself of all personality, fold myself into the tiniest box, and still there would be a horrible man who’d find me lacking in some way, because when men are misogynists, they hate all women, full stop. Not just “loud” and “angry” ones. Not just “slutty” ones. Not just “fat” ones. Not just “tall” ones. All of us. And if you identify as a woman in any capacity … that includes you. Every time.

It creates an oppressive environment where anyone who does not conform to the cis heteropatriarchy is punished, and where one of the worst possible things is to exhibit behavior that is commonly ascribed to women. Imagine that filtered through playground misinformation or childhood cruelty, how it then trickles down to affect everyone in their path, and it becomes abundantly clear that under the patriarchy, it’s not just women, femmes, trans girls, or queer kids who are hurt by these crushing expectations and rigid social norms, but also men.

I began to see how easily people went along with gendered behavior just because it was the safer thing to do.

what it also taught me is that being strong and brave doesn’t just mean having the quickest clapback or the sharpest words, which is how I’d always operated, but being steadfast and true to yourself,

Every interaction has two people, so it matters how both people feel, not just one. But

Even if it means losing fans, friends, professional opportunities, or even family because I am too straightforward about my beliefs, then so be it and good riddance.

I aim to think of my body as a utilitarian vessel where the most interesting parts of myself, my thoughts and beliefs, are housed, and nothing more.

That’s what’s provided the foundation of feeling like I’d be okay even if I ended up alone, without a romantic relationship, because the friends, family, and community I surround myself with are more than enough.

I never want anyone to have to guess at what I feel, which is why being the loudest person in a room is a compliment to me.

If they hate women, that includes you.

You don’t make the cut either (even as a pick-me).

Modifying my thought patterns gave me autonomy and allowed me to consider if I was going to give in to this misogynistic and unproductive attitude toward women who have done nothing to me, or if I was going to decide for myself how I viewed them.

The patriarchy has been conditioning women their entire lives to prioritize other people’s feelings and comfort over their own, but you cannot give in.

tangible? It’s probably true that all love comes with some degree of turmoil, but you should never think you need to suffer alone in order to earn someone’s love for you.

Because that’s the hallmark of being a woman in this world. Soldiering on even when the unfathomable happens to you … because the world doesn’t give you a chance to patch yourself up.

alone. Loneliness is not permanent—it’s an emotion. And emotions are like waves: they ebb and flow, they come and they go. So as quickly as this feeling came, it could easily be washed away if I reminded myself: I am not lonely, I am alone. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

And even after all this time, he knew having me in his life was one of those nonnegotiables.

Every day I feel so incredibly grateful to have someone who celebrates every part of me (even my big personality, which scares away lesser men).

Learning how to love yourself—like, truly love yourself—is not easy. In fact, it might be one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. But look, there’s only one person you’ll be with from the moment you are born until the moment you die—yourself. Give yourself a chance.

When you accept yourself, truly—and not in a hyperconfident and cocky way, but in a way that is a day-in-and-day-out commitment to treating yourself as worthy and deserving (because you are)—