Loud: Accept Nothing Less Than the Life You Deserve

by Drew Afualo

I had never considered the possibility that my dream job wouldn’t work out. I’d pursued this goal longer than anything else in my life. The reality of it going down the drain so quickly and aggressively crushed my spirit in ways I had never anticipated.

My mom makes my dad brave and gives him courage to try things. And my dad grounds my mom and reminds her that she deserves to rest and be taken care of, too.

Some people may say I’m being contrarian, but I say better to be contrarian than die a thousand little deaths of disrespect.

you can’t feel “emasculated” if your self-validation doesn’t come from overpowering your partner)—

I don’t know about you, but the only thing I hate more than a blatant misogynist is a misogynist who swears he isn’t one. Because the latter means that he’s not only a misogynist, but also a coward who won’t admit it.

And though people might’ve thought Deison was a pushover when we were kids, she’s actually one of my role models precisely because she lets her softness lead how she interacts with the world.

This is why the people you surround yourself with are so important, because they can provide context and a trusted sounding board for how to navigate this scary new world.

It’s not our fault if we are born ignorant, but it is our fault if we die that way.

Unfortunately, women are willing to pretend to be this girl, because when you’re brainwashed by the patriarchy, being “cool” is the greatest compliment you can receive from a man. It’s almost regarded as a badge of honor, or a crumb of validation we’re meant to not only live off of, but continue to chase.

If that’s what being a “cool girl” gets you, then you know what? Fuck being cool and fuck being chill. If the reward for being the “coolest” girl in the room is a sliver of attention from the world’s most mediocre men, then I would happily commit to never being chill.

No matter how many women you try to step on to be seen by the world’s most mediocre men, you will never be taller than any man. You will always be one step below. And how can they respect you when they’re always looking down at you?

Of course, what it also taught me is that being strong and brave doesn’t just mean having the quickest clapback or the sharpest words, which is how I’d always operated, but being steadfast and true to yourself, which is what Deison has always done.

Now repeat after me: “No, I cannot fix him.” And: “It is not my job to.”

Your romantic relationship should not make you feel bad about yourself; have you questioning your passions, ambitions, or desires; or fill you with nerves about how your partner could react to something you did or said. You should never feel like you need to conceal information or keep secrets from your friends and family.

Being with them should be a reprieve from the other stresses in your day-to-day existence, not the main source of stress itself.

The core belief at the center of this display of martyrdom is the conviction that he will change. That who he is at his worst isn’t actually who he is at all. That behavior can be corrected, and you alone will be the one to fix him. And even beyond that: it’s your job to fix him, no matter the collateral damage (and every time, that ends up being you).

We each encompass and hold such a palpable and divine energy that deserves to be celebrated on our own terms.

Women’s greatest fear is violence or being murdered. But men’s biggest fear? Ridicule.

They feel overlooked and mediocre, and so they cast aspersions on marginalized people because our resilience and joy are constant reminders to misogynists that they will never be exceptional. These men will never know true love, success, or happiness.

You might not always understand the logic behind the ick, but I have reason to believe this is your body’s evolutionary response to being put off by men in your dating pool. It mustn’t be ignored.

Like my therapist always reminds me, “When your needs are consistently not being met, you end up turning into the person you most fear you may actually be.”

Getting to be mean in whatever capacity you most effectively can is a great way to let a lot of that internal rage out.

And what I know now is that if it isn’t a fuck yes, it’s a no. There’s no waffling about bringing life into the world—you either want to or you don’t. It’s the very least you owe to yourself, because once you become a parent, you can’t opt out, and your future child deserves to be brought into a world where they are wholeheartedly wanted and loved.

Nevertheless, this was one of the hardest, most emotionally draining experiences of my young adult life, and if there’s one thing I desperately wish I’d realized back then, it’s this: You cannot be expected to leave your personhood at the door for a corporate job, no matter how much they would like you to believe that is the only way to succeed. You owe it to yourself, always, to assert personal agency. No matter what.

Your work does not define you. I don’t care if you’re an entry-level person working for peanuts like I was, or a multi-hyphenate who runs several successful businesses. Your job is never going to be the most important part of your life, or the sole thing that brings you joy and reminds you that you’re alive.

Work hard, but within reason, and never just to promote some toxic standard of what young and “hungry” professionals should be capable of. Knowing your worth means going above and beyond for yourself just as often, if not more often, than you are for any organization or job.

What a privilege life is, having felt the warmth and love of women.

In so many ways, we are all our own first generation. I know this might sound strange coming from me, as I am so vocal about how much of myself I owe to my family, but what I mean by it is, as influenced as you are by the people who come before you, you also enter into the world and grow within it as an individual.

And as someone who believed that they would willingly and happily die alone at one point, I’m thankful that the universe had other plans for us. I would find and love you in any lifetime, but I’m grateful I get to love you in this one.