Loud: Accept Nothing Less Than the Life You Deserve

by Drew Afualo

I’ve found that even the most well-intentioned and “woke” men still never seem to understand what domestic labor equity actually looks like. Like the men who take out the trash twice a week and put the toilet seat down maybe every third time they pee and think … what? That they deserve a fucking medal for doing the absolute bare minimum? That they’re better than the guy who jokes about how much he wishes his girlfriend would make him a sandwich? And in my opinion, at least the guy telling his girlfriend to make him a sandwich is unabashed and up front about his lack of respect for women. I don’t know about you, but the only thing I hate more than a blatant misogynist is a misogynist who swears he isn’t one. Because the latter means that he’s not only a misogynist, but also a coward who won’t admit it. But the absolute worst are men who never seem to even recognize the efforts of their wives or girlfriends unless it serves them in some way, usually on social media. You know the type: on every Valentine’s Day/birthday/anniversary/random Monday, he’s finding a picture of him and his wife and writing a long-ass word-salad caption that calls her his “rock” and reveals that she does everything short of wiping his ass “uncomplainingly.” He hits post and watches the likes roll in. He drones on and on about how incredibly selfless she is, no matter how many times he “messes up,” she “always has his back.” We all know this guy. We know this guy cheated multiple times. We know he’s u...

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Just think about the “cool girl” monologue from the movie/book Gone Girl, delivered by the antiheroine Amy Dunne, who fakes her own murder and frames her husband when she discovers he’s been cheating on her even after she uprooted her life to move to his hometown in Missouri with him. As Amy describes her, the “cool girl” adores sports, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, plays video games, and drinks cheap beer. Is understanding. Never gets angry. Just smiles in a chagrined, loving manner and lets men do whatever they want. To me, though, the most striking part of this monologue is the moment when she reveals the “cool girl” for the sham that it is: Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl.

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Unfortunately, women are willing to pretend to be this girl, because when you’re brainwashed by the patriarchy, being “cool” is the greatest compliment you can receive from a man. It’s almost regarded as a badge of honor, or a crumb of validation we’re meant to not only live off of, but continue to chase. Because that one word implies everything a girl “shouldn’t” be: jealous (just because she wants assurance from her partner), demanding (just because she doesn’t let her partner always prioritize hangouts with “the boys” over doing housework or spending time as a couple), hysterical (just because she’s rightfully angry about discovering that he’s been sliding into other girls’ DMs)—aka, you know, just logical reactions. But then again, the very definition of misogyny is that men don’t see women as deserving bare-minimum respect.

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If the reward for being the “coolest” girl in the room is a sliver of attention from the world’s most mediocre men, then I would happily commit to never being chill. And never being cool. But maybe the “cool girls” got one thing right after all: I wouldn’t be like the other girls—I was going to be much, much worse.

for the people in the back

I see how, for years, I would do things like prioritize men’s feelings over my own comfort or safety, or buy into the idea that receiving male attention somehow made me special. These were often men I didn’t even really know, much less like or respect, so the fact that I was letting their opinion rule my life and my self-esteem is ludicrous in retrospect.

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No matter how many women you try to step on to be seen by the world’s most mediocre men, you will never be taller than any man. You will always be one step below. And how can they respect you when they’re always looking down at you?