Loud: Accept Nothing Less Than the Life You Deserve

by Drew Afualo

I know now that who I am and what I do should never be conflated,

It’s a book that focuses on internalized biases, and how to uproot them from our lives—but most importantly it is a book about you, all the women, nonbinary, femme, and queer people who I love, support, and will ride for, forever. And how truly life-changing showing up for one another can be.

My mom makes my dad brave and gives him courage to try things. And my dad grounds my mom and reminds her that she deserves to rest and be taken care of, too.

there’s no such thing as “lesser” work when it comes to building a family and being a good partner—it’s all important.

Some people may say I’m being contrarian, but I say better to be contrarian than die a thousand little deaths of disrespect.

He has never, in all of our years together, complained that my success has made him feel “emasculated” (another word I believe to be a fallacy, because

you can’t feel “emasculated” if your self-validation doesn’t come from overpowering your partner)—

in fact, he’s my biggest cheerleader and the reason I started posting cont...

but the only thing I hate more than a blatant misogynist is a misogynist who swears he isn’t one. Because the latter means that he’s not only a misogynist, but also a coward who won’t admit it.

“We’re all in the same boat, as a family. But it’s a canoe and we all row in one direction; if someone is rowing against us, or not at all, they aren’t being a team player in this family.”

I think (hope!) it’s normal to look back on your early teen years and cringe a little. I’d be disappointed in myself if I didn’t.

But recently I’ve started having more patience for teenage Drew.

My mom, who started a family with her high school sweetheart (though she made him wait nearly a decade to prove himself a worthy life partner, even after they had two kids together), was no stranger to the possibility of first love.

My parents clearly didn’t have that much to worry about anyway, given that Deison likes women and I can barely tolerate most men now, but by not expressly forbidding us from dating, they instead did something that was pretty transformative, especially for two girls at that age: They gave us the power to choose.

“If I open the door to trust, then I have to actually trust them.” The greatest gift you can give anyone, but especially a young person, is trust.

girls were expected to be smart but not too smart (or you’re a know-it-all), and friendly but not too friendly (or you’re a slut).

As difficult and commendable as it is to recognize just how damaging these thought patterns are, it’s even more difficult to unlearn them. It remains a journey, even for me. Knowing that is why I always center the effort and willingness to learn, and truly learn, not just co-opt the language and do none of the work.

No one is born with sexist and racist beliefs—the idea that a group of people might be superior to others based on gender or race is a man-made construction, and a core part of Western colonialism and patriarchy.

At some point, it does become our duty to seek out information, educate ourselves, surround ourselves with different perspectives, and decide if we’re going to let the status quo stand or do the hard work of pushing back against it.

It’s not our fault if we are born ignorant, but it is our fault if we die that way.

the beautiful thing about being alive is that there is something valuable to be learned at every phase of it.

Having that realization really triggered a flashback to some of my memories. How many times had I let male behavior slide in order not to kick up a fuss or seem difficult? And for what? A fleeting acknowledgment of chillness by a man with an underdeveloped frontal cortex?

If that’s what being a “cool girl” gets you, then you know what? Fuck being cool and fuck being chill. If the reward for being the “coolest” girl in the room is a sliver of attention from the world’s most mediocre men, then I would happily commit to never being chill. And never being cool.

I can’t understand why anyone, but especially women/femmes who grow up in a patriarchy and watch the violence it inflicts on them, would subscribe to that isolating and lonely ideology.

It upsets me, remembering my behavior then, because I allowed shame and societal pressures to keep me from fully expressing myself. I wasted precious time worrying about what men who were far beneath me in every way believed about me.

I have also learned the importance of practicing patience and compassion with women and femmes who display these behaviors … starting with my younger self.

There is something so magical and nourishing about female solidarity, love, and support, and having a strong group of female friends around me has always been nonnegotiable.

All my life, my closest, most loving, and most supportive relationships have been with women and femmes, who are some of the smartest, kindest, most generous, and strongest people I have ever met.

Thinking about what an emotional load women carry every day purely because even at the end of their ropes they can’t bear the thought of upsetting other people? It breaks my heart. It makes me angry. It strengthens my conviction.

In my own interactions with men, I began to realize that I needed to be a fucking bitch if I wanted men to take me seriously when I asked them to leave me alone, because being “nice” or trying to “let them down easy” meant that men saw that as a challenge, not the hard no that it was.

Support from women is a gift.

Give yourself the permission to love yourself unconditionally, because there’s nothing more radical in the eyes of the patriarchy than that … and we all know how much I love pissing off terrible men.

If you’re a homophobe, transphobe, or TERF and you don’t like me, guess what? The feeling is mutual.