Loud: Accept Nothing Less Than the Life You Deserve

by Drew Afualo

Fuck being cool and fuck being chill. If the reward for being the “coolest” girl in the room is a sliver of attention from the world’s most mediocre men, then I would happily commit to never being chill. And never being cool. But maybe the “cool girls” got one thing right after all: I wouldn’t be like the other girls—I was going to be much, much worse.

The thing I want to ask every grown woman who still participates in pick-me behavior is this: What has being a pick-me ever gotten you? What have you ever gained by actively pushing down women in order to be acknowledged by men? Male validation is the most useless and fleeting resource in the world.

Because ultimately, men will always close rank around their own, and in the most extreme pick-me scenarios, all you’ve done is alienate yourself from friends who could have supported, empowered, or comforted you.

if you think selling out your fellow girls for the attention of men is going to make you immune to it, you’re a fool.

Because it turns out that if you start to see the world through a female gaze, women are valued for much more than their looks or their sex appeal, but for their thoughts and emotions. Their drive, ambitions, and passions. They’re seen and represented for who they truly are, which is a much more complex portrait than how they look.

The female gaze allows for the apparently groundbreaking concept that women don’t exist just to further a man’s narrative or character development and that women are not only mommies or girlfriends or mommy-girlfriends, but individuals with distinct personalities and specific desires. It’s what formed the foundation of my body neutrality approach, where I aim to think of my body as a utilitarian vessel where the most interesting parts of myself, my thoughts and beliefs, are housed, and nothing more.

it was only when I fully came into my power as an independent woman that I truly began to embrace the prospect of dying alone. Because part of the work of knowing who you are is knowing what you can offer. And I was certain that what I was willing to give a male partner was nothing short of exceptional, and that I was more than capable of loving and giving that love to anyone who willingly entered a relationship with me. In fact, I felt the way that I did because I felt such a deep conviction that I was way more than enough, and I truly believed, in my heart of hearts, that no man I had ever met actually deserved what I had to offer him. It made no sense to chase after a subpar man out of loneliness, when there is actually nothing more lonely than living life in an emotionally unbalanced relationship. Rather than let that chip away at my self-esteem and self-worth, I choose to protect my own time, space, and energy, and fully live the way I want to live.

The most amazing thing about this epiphany is that once you get there, there’s no going back. The fear of missing out on a partner completely dissipates, and you’re left feeling not only confident, but free. My complete acceptance of—even joy in—the thought of dying alone has not only served as the very foundation of my self-confidence, but also paradoxically led me to find an amazing male partner who truly loves and respects me.

I think the universe has a really funny way of giving us what we want, not when we want it, but when we’re ready to receive it. And I know now with the utmost confidence that I found my person because I was ready to. My self-confidence was at a point where, with or without a partner, I was going to be okay. I was going to live a long, fulfilling, and beautiful life regardless of my relationship status, and because I’d arrived at that state of mind, I was finally ready to be with my soulmate. I genuinely believe that was the plan for me all along when it came to romantic partnership.

But what I want all of you to know and trust is that no matter how much I celebrate our love for each other, I’m never going to allow his love for me to outgrow or replace the love I have for myself. There is absolutely no one in this world worth letting go of your self-love for, and he is no exception to this rule. I believe that great relationships simply parallel the relationships those individual participants should have with themselves. First, you have to believe that you’re worth it, and the right person will come at a time when you are not only ready, but prepared on a mental, spiritual, and emotional level.