Loud: Accept Nothing Less Than the Life You Deserve

by Drew Afualo

Some people may say I’m being contrarian, but I say better to be contrarian than die a thousand little deaths of disrespect.

I don’t know about you, but the only thing I hate more than a blatant misogynist is a misogynist who swears he isn’t one. Because the latter means that he’s not only a misogynist, but also a coward who won’t admit it.

Knowing that is why I always center the effort and willingness to learn, and truly learn, not just co-opt the language and do none of the work. Men who think they deserve recognition for self-identifying as feminists but also act like that’s where the journey ends can miss me with that fake solidarity bullshit.

the beautiful thing about being alive is that there is something valuable to be learned at every phase of it.

No matter how many women you try to step on to be seen by the world’s most mediocre men, you will never be taller than any man. You will always be one step below. And how can they respect you when they’re always looking down at you?

The decision to sell out for the approval of mediocre men will often come at the expense of all women, whether they realize it or not. In addition to this kind of behavior being packaged in a pretty self-sabotaging bow, cultivating friendships with men is also just as, if not way more, emotionally taxing than showing up for the girls.

Cutting other women out of our lives with the expectation that it will propel us to opportunities for advancement typically reserved for men is not the solution. It’s a smoke screen that’ll distract you from setting true goals for yourself about where you want to be. If your professional strategy is seeking the validation of men, or putting down women who are lateral to you in order to appear more capable to these men, in hopes that they will bestow upon you their approval and permission to move up in the world, you’re resigned to giving yourself no real agency whatsoever.

If I had let that sour, misogynistic attitude that was imposed on me for so long limit my capacity to let other women in with an open heart and an open mind, I wouldn’t have the many wonderful bad-bitch girlfriends I have today.

When you grow up in a patriarchal society, men are always at the center, and you have to rip them out root and stem if you ever want to stop internalized misogynistic beliefs from growing inside you. It’s damn near impossible to cultivate unbreakable self-love when you still hold these beliefs in your heart.

Never let this patriarchal world celebrate you for taking up less space.

The male gaze has historically been how many of us determine our own worth, causing us to spiral in our perceptions of our own bodies as well as the bodies of other women, even of those we don’t know, like the famous women who we’ve been invited by our culture to objectify for eons. It’s wild to me that we are literally responsible for bringing forth life onto this earth and yet are so consistently and relentlessly devalued for the parts of our bodies that aren’t aesthetically ideal in the eyes of misogynistic men. It makes me mad, sure, but it also makes me realize that I need to be strong and steadfast in my practice.

The truth is, terrible men are the way they are in part because they feel they have no agency in their own lives. They feel overlooked and mediocre, and so they cast aspersions on marginalized people because our resilience and joy are constant reminders to misogynists that they will never be exceptional.