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“I shan’t,” Avra cried. “You can’t treat me like a silly little slut, Tev, I’m a person! A person who has been through so much—” “You’re certainly a silly little slut as well.” “A silly little slut who has been through so much,” Avra amended, because at least he knew how to compromise, unlike some people, specifically some Teveris. “In the last two days, I have been through more than any silly little slut should ever have to go through!” “You probably brought it on yourself.” “I did not! These troubles have befallen me through no fault of my own! It was an accident.”
when I beg abjectly for rescue and tremulously hold out my little bowl of orphan gruel—” “What.” Avra cupped his hands in front of him in illustration. “I am an orphan, and the only possession I have to my name is a little bowl! I ask for barely anything but a spoonful of gruel so I don’t starve to death in the freezing cold winter!” “We’re barely north of the tropics.” “It’s a metaphor, Teveri! Even in the tropics, you’re miserly with my orphan gruel!”
“I felt orphan gruel was more sympathetic, though.” “You’re a thirty-five-year-old man with, apparently, a very expensive Guild secret in his bag. Orphan gruel is a big stretch.”
Think of the possums, think of how traumatized they will be. I will be arrested right in front of them, and tortured, and killed, and dismembered, and fed to tigers, and—”
“That’s the rope you’re currently dangling from, yes. Over water infested with sharks and sea serpents and—” “Possums. Aquatic vampire possums.” “Sure,” Teveri said, far more dryly than necessary. “Aquatic vampire possums.”
“This man’s skull is empty like a new bucket,” she had said, pointing right at him. “Write this down: He does not have a single thought in that pretty little head. There is nothing going on in there.”
And then I thought about how I had the most valuable secret in the world giving me paper cuts on my nipples because I’d shoved it down my shirt.
“In the middle of the street with paper cuts on your nipples.” “Tragically, yes. That was two days ago and they’re still a little tender, do you want to inspect them?”
you are not even considered people anymore, just a particularly troublesome type of meat. Meat that moves around by itself and causes problems. Spooky, haunted meat. Honestly, who wouldn’t hack that into bits with a sword in a dark alley?”
If you decide to throw me overboard anyway, I would prefer if you do so in one of the sea serpent breeding swarms, so that you can tell people I died in a massive fuckpile like I have always dreamed of. Promise?”
“Imagine the bullshit I could get up to with a whole week of patience to spend.” “I would prefer not to.
“What kind of decorative?” “Six foot four, blond, shoulders like you’ve never seen.”
He had to be haunted. He was the spookiest thing Avra had seen since that dentist or Tev’s box of spooky dildos.
“You’re a grown man. Have some dignity, son.” “Absolutely not. I am going to stay and guard Teveri’s virtue from the depredations of this very haunted and suspicious man, thank you.”
“Oh, well, that changes things,” Avra said as Teveri made disappointed faces and muttered grouchily into their glass. “If he’s wanting to do sexy experiments on my body, then I consent.”
“Put that away,” Tev snapped. “I don’t have to. It’s my leg, I can do whatever I want with it.”
“Am I in trouble? If so, is it the sexy kind of trouble or the fighting over stale bread with the possums kind of trouble?”
Which therefore means—” “Aha,” said Teveri. “—that Julian must really fucking love sex. I’m going to swallow his dick like a python.”
“I’m going to do unspeakable things to him with my tonsils.” Teveri gave him a mean little smile. “Not if I get to him first.”
“You didn’t even keep showing him your legs. You gave up. You were being respectful of his piety. Meanwhile, I was paying attention and I just kept being alluring—” “Oh, is that what you were doing? I thought you were trying to do grotesque contortionist tricks.” “I bet he’s into that. If he swore a vow of celibacy because he was too horny, I bet he’s gagging to see some grotesque contortionist tricks in a sexual context.”
“If one holds oneself apart from others, or lives within a community without participating in the mundane troubles of ordinary life, resentment can easily take root in the hearts of those who do.”
“Serpent juice,” Avra said automatically. “It’s serpent juice, it’s juice for the sea serpents. See some serpents in the sea, give them serpent juice. No more serpents. Easy as … juice. Sea juice.”
“You’re a spy and you’re manipulating me. This is so suspicious of you. This is the most suspicious thing that has ever happened to—”
“How is your crisis of faith going?” “It’s all right,” Julian said smoothly. “I’m thinking about things.” “Like how horny you are, probably.” “Definitely. So clever of you, Avra.”
I’m going to buy an island and a lot of crossbows, and a squad of alley possums to be bodyguards, and enough rations that I can live out my days there and make sure that Araşt never finds me. I will write poetry and read it to the possums.” “That sounds lonely.” “It’s not ideal,” Avra said feverishly. “Ideal would be a villa where I could lie around drinking wine with people who want to fuck me, and also snuggle with me afterward, and all of them will like my poetry. Too dangerous. Conspicuous. Easy to find me that way. Then I will be so dead. The real kind of dead. Not the sexy kind of dead
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“I think I should have a reward. I think you should let me suck your dick.”
“This was interrogation tactics? You would pull my hair and call me a good boy and pump me for information and now you won’t even let me suck your dick?” “Yes,” said Julian, unrepentant. “That’s so sexy of you.” “Thank you.”
“Regretfully, I must decline.” “But you pulled my hair,” Avra wailed. “On purpose! With malice aforethought! You knew that you weren’t going to follow through and fuck my mouth!”
“I’ve taken a vow to swallow your dick like a python.”
“Tev, he’s a secret monk. I mean, not a secret monk. A monk who is something else, secretly. He says he used to be a revolutionary. A fake monk. That’s what I meant, Tev, that’s what he is. I have discovered this cunningly through the use of my wiles. He tried to seduce me, Teveri. He tried to do unspeakable things to my virtue.” They raised an eyebrow. “Tried?” “Succeeded. Had me in the palm of his hand. Metaphorically. Also literally. Not my dick. He pulled my hair. Tev, he is monstrous. I’m in love with him. He refused to let me suck his dick.”
“He pulled your hair and refused to let you suck his dick, and therefore he’s a fake monk?” “Yessss,” Avra said with great relish. “Yesssssss. Yes, Tev, you understand, you are following me with such precision, you are fully and comprehensively absorbing all of this intelligence, you are—” “Shut up, Avra.”
“You look pregnant.” Avra simpered up at them. “Good thing Araşt has matrilineal inheritance laws, hm? It’s doubly mine, and I don’t have to share claim on it with anybody. Are you hoping that I’ll name you the father? I don’t even know who the father is.”
“Ready, Helvaçi?” “Yep,” said Avra. “I have a new one. It’s called ‘The Wettest Pussy in the World.’”
Oskar, after a moment of contemplative silence, said, “Oh. It’s about woman parts.” This did not help the state of the crew’s composure.
“Probably from when I told him about that time that one of the ghosts tried to feel me up,” Avra said. “The first time I went through, remember? When I gibbered on you about it afterward? And made you roleplay a ghost so it’d be a sexy memory and I wouldn’t have nightmares?”
“The quality of my work impacts the quality of the sex, not the existence of the sex! That’s what you said! Hic! This is why I need a witness!”
Going to have to sleep with Avra again. Keeps sitting there silently—infuriating of him, knows I like that. Has tricked me into viewing him as fuckable by intentionally being tolerable for more than ten minutes. Intentionally. I resent this. He knows what he’s doing.
“Turtle astrology. You know astrology? It’s like that. But regarding turtles. Right? You get it.”
“Markefa,” Avra wailed. “Julian’s calling me dashing and debonair!” “Fighting words,” Markefa called from the desk where Teveri was arguing with the owner about taking rooms. “I ought to draw steel and duel for my boy’s honor.”
“I won’t fuck you if you start any riots,” called Teveri from the desk, having won their argument and snatched the key from the owner. “I will not start any riots,” Avra said immediately. “I will start zero riots. If I see a riot, maybe I’ll make it stop, actually. I won’t even nod politely on the street to the riots.”
“Ah, you’re naked, that’s very nice. Hello, naked Tev. One of my favorite kinds of Tev. All Tevs are my favorite Tev but naked Tev is a special treat to encounter. Hello. Hello very much.”
“Are you developing a daddy thing about the ambassador?” “Are you jealous?” Avra babbled. “I could have a daddy thing about you if you gave me half an hour to work myself up to it.”
Did you still feel like, um, charitably donating some sex to my fund which I will be using to maybe one day move out of the alley where I am being mobbed by possums on a daily basis and digging in the rubbish pile for scraps of edible shoe leather?
Day 14 (addendum) SIGH. Circumstances beyond my control have once again forced me to sleep with Avra. Had the absolute gall to be typically falling-all-over-himself ready to please, which he knows I like—incredibly annoying. Refuses to do me the basic courtesy of being outright shit in bed; insists on intentionally, maliciously continuing behavior that gets me hot, like “helpfulness” and “saying please” and “following directions.” UGHHHHHHH.
“Go back and tell them that they can fuck my mouth,” said Avra. “Tell them I’ll swallow their dicks like a python. Tell them I eat pussy like I’m dying of dehydration in the desert.” “How … compelling,” said the puppet delicately. “Tell them I don’t care what they’ve got going on down there, I’ll put my mouth on it.”
“I’m very politely ignoring the furious muttering happening behind me,” said Julian. “I can’t make out what you’re saying, but I can hear Avra hyperventilating, so I assume I’m being objectified.”
