Running Close to the Wind

by Alexandra Rowland

“Swears on his own dick, Captain,” she said, a little reproachful. “Oughta hear a man out when he swears on his own dick, no?”

And maybe we can talk it through as a crew

this is such an OFMD reference haha

Other takings: 3 feather pillows 1 pair good boots 4 hammocks unspeakable # bales “fancy straw” 1 stupid motherfucker (WHO CAN GET FUCKED IN THE EYE WITH A PIG DICK)

“You can’t treat me like a silly little slut, Tev, I’m a person! A person who has been through so much—” “You’re certainly a silly little slut as well.” “A silly little slut who has been through so much,”

You don’t even care that the possums are exploiting me!

“Possums. Aquatic vampire possums.”

“This man’s skull is empty like a new bucket,” she had said, pointing right at him. “Write this down: He does not have a single thought in that pretty little head. There is nothing going on in there.”

He leaned over the railing for a minute, trying not to think about spooky haunted meat, and when that didn’t entirely work, he valiantly attempted to develop a sexual fetish about it.

“I’m adjusting to my circumstances,” he called back. “It’s very difficult and I would appreciate it if everyone could feel sorry for me.” “Aww,” chorused several of the nearby pirates in a strange harmony of either sarcasm, playing along with the joke, or both.

A. clearly w/o ethical qualms abt this. Trollop.

Some may ask if it is better to be loved or feared, and I say: Neither. It is better to be pitied. Then people don’t expect anything of you.”

“Shut up, Avra!” Teveri howled at him. “I’d almost managed to fucking forget about you!” “You were just talking about me, though!”

so basically he was exactly Avra’s type, inasmuch as Avra had a type beyond “just so incredibly mean to him all the time.”

“Captain,” Avra screeched, and this time he tried to harmonize when Oskar screamed.

Has anyone ever told you that you have amazing bone structure?”

this is also an ofmd reference plssss

“Maybe you’re thinking Teveri’s compliments are the biggest you’ve ever seen. I can guarantee you that mine are bigger—”

Considering the benefits of being eaten by sea serpents.

“I am going to cause problems,” he said, smiling and nodding back. “Then Teveri will pay attention to me.”

The response, which the crew was supposed to join in on, was “Meow MEOW meow meow meow MEOW.”

Oskar, after a moment of contemplative silence, said, “Oh. It’s about woman parts.” This did not help the state of the crew’s composure.

He kept drawing The Bower, and he was starting to get both suspicious and vaguely horny about it.

“Well, it’s terrifying,” Avra said. “And also it’s turning me on. Those are unrelated.” “No, they’re not,” said Teveri calmly. “No, they’re not,” Avra said, panicking.

“It is not ideal when you nap,” said Teveri calmly. “We get a much more tedious array of ghosts when you nap.” “Well, I’ve never met any of them.” “Yes. Because you are napping.”

Going to have to sleep with Avra again. Keeps sitting there silently—infuriating of him, knows I like that. Has tricked me into viewing him as fuckable by intentionally being tolerable for more than ten minutes. Intentionally. I resent this. He knows what he’s doing.

“Turtle astrology. You know astrology? It’s like that. But regarding turtles. Right? You get it.”

“Because I am a revolutionary!” Julian said, spreading his hands. “I don’t know what to tell you! I don’t believe in monarchies! Why would I accept a pardon from a man that my companions and I once sincerely considered assassinating? Why would I accept a pardon from a man who had those companions executed?”

There was at least one ancient, decrepit crackpot of a captain who claimed that a little bit of cannibalism between friends in tough times was completely normal, and that the actual taboo was eating your own leg.

Or: “I went out for a walk the other night and no one threatened me with a knife! This place is going soft.”)

Am wondering what is wrong with me that I am going to fuck him. Will attempt to convince myself out of it; prospect grim.

“Markefa,” Avra wailed. “Julian’s calling me dashing and debonair!” “Fighting words,” Markefa called from the desk where Teveri was arguing with the owner about taking rooms. “I ought to draw steel and duel for my boy’s honor.”

“Are you developing a daddy thing about the ambassador?”

“So important. Did you still feel like, um, charitably donating some sex to my fund which I will be using to maybe one day move out of the alley where I am being mobbed by possums on a daily basis and digging in the rubbish pile for scraps of edible shoe leather?

SIGH. Circumstances beyond my control have once again forced me to sleep with Avra. Had the absolute gall to be typically falling-all-over-himself ready to please, which he knows I like—incredibly annoying. Refuses to do me the basic courtesy of being outright shit in bed; insists on intentionally, maliciously continuing behavior that gets me hot, like “helpfulness” and “saying please” and “following directions.” UGHHHHHHH.

Teveri fixed him with a look that would have made Avra fall to his knees in terror and horniness.

“Go off to Blue Dog Island, and get me another one of those blue dogs. A good one, for preference.

grinding their teeth just like the spooky dentist told them not to,

“Such pretty … plants,” he said, which was what he’d always said to the previous ambassador. “So many of them. So green.”

I have befriended a mysterious spy going by the alias Avra Helvaçi (six foot tall, fashionably dressed, the most dashing, debonair, charismatic man you could imagine, immaculately manicured and groomed at all times, with a roguish glint in his eye as bright as his emerald earring, a poet of great unsung talent)

“Julian will smile at you.” Avra glanced at Julian, who smiled.

“The dust of this substance is highly corrosive. Coughing up blood and chunks of lung will probably not help you get laid.” “I bet I could make it work,” Avra said, but Julian gave him a puppy-eyed look and he tied on the cloth.

“Good for him. I’m promoting him to Deputy Avra-Bullier,” Tev shouted back from the helm. “Shut the fuck up.”

Julian carefully scraped the white dust out onto a scrap of fabric. “Oh no, that’s terrible.” “Thank you for the attempt at a sympathetic tone.” Avra sniffed. “It sounded almost genuine.” “It almost was genuine.”

everyone mauled to death in a salty noodle orgy

“Tev had such a hard day, and now you’re dangling reminders at them of your past as a slutty revolutionary? That’s not fair.” “Don’t listen to him,” said Teveri. “You can talk about your slutty revolutionary past if you want. Feel free to be wistful and nostalgic. Homesick for it, maybe.”

“I’m very politely ignoring the furious muttering happening behind me,” said Julian. “I can’t make out what you’re saying, but I can hear Avra hyperventilating, so I assume I’m being objectified.”

Heirani gave a final smacking kiss to the dog’s forehead, which made it dance and wag like it was losing its mind from joy.

soooo true

FUCK THE SEA. IT SHOULD HAVE FEWER CREATURES IN IT.

“He’s not allowed to go on romantic walks in the doglight.

Maybe my destiny is to build a community of cooperation and mutual support amongst the possums of the alley where I live in a small rotting crate. Maybe I need to ally myself with the possums and rise up against the systems of oppression that are keeping us impoverished in alleys and fighting for every scrap of stale bread that Teveri wraps around a rock and kicks at me.”

Julian looked back at him for a long, long moment, but without the doglight Avra couldn’t see his expression at all.