Catfight: Women and Competition

by Leora Tanenbaum

“The Queen Bee who is successful in a male-dominated field feels little animosity toward the system that has permitted her to reach the top,” they wrote, “and little animosity toward the men who praise her for being so unique. She identifies with the specific male colleagues who are her reference group, rather than with the diffuse concept of women as a class.… The Queen Bee thereby disassociates herself from the fundamental issues of equality for women, while reassuring her male colleagues that she is not of that militant ilk.”44 The irony, of course, is that the Queen Bee is perfectly positioned to help women because she has unusual access to power and male favor, yet she declines to support women as a group.

Queen bee nlog

individualist rhetoric that powerful women in the film industry have used to distance themselves from less powerful women in the business.

In co-ed groups led by men, on the other hand, “women avoided active competition for leadership; rather, in a ‘ladylike’ manner, they competed for favorite status position in relation to the male [leader], reflecting a traditional framework.”

the power of negative stereotypes of women. Stereotypes influence not only the way that people regard members of the stereotyped group, they also affect the behavior of the targets of the stereotype. Being aware that one is stereotyped often leads a person to act in a way that confirms the stereotype. Cytrynbaum writes, “[M]en and women have become socialized to internalize a powerful stereotype of females as having legitimate authority only when performing nurturant tasks. When women attempt to exercise authority in areas deemed culturally inappropriate to the traditional stereotypic sex-role, and behave in nontraditional ‘unfeminine’ ways, they run into difficulty because subordinates experience disruptive feelings.” A stereotype, then, can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Niceness, of course, can serve a person well. People like to be near you. You don’t alienate people because you rarely contradict them. You are eternally bouncy and chipper and content and respectful. But in being nice, you have to walk a very fine line. Niceness can work for you or against you, and unless you are loaded with charisma, consistent niceness can spell disaster. For to be truly nice, you must veil what you really think and feel. Since being nice is really about seeking the approval of others, you slide into the habit of being deferential. You give in on things rather than put up a fight. Niceness may sound nice, but it actually can create serious consequences.

In 1969, psychologist Matina Horner reported on anxiety about success that she called “motive to avoid success” or “fear of success” among smart, high-achieving college women. She proposed that girls are raised to regard ambition as unfeminine and, as a result, become anxious at the prospect of attaining achievement.

excellence in women was associated with the loss of femininity, which meant social rejection and personal destruction—that is, no man would ever want to marry a high-achieving woman. It’s not that so many women want to fail, Horner stressed, but simply that they recognize the high price of success.

success was in a “gender-inappropriate” field,

even today, success in a field traditionally male-dominated continues to raise issues for women about their suitability for the job and about their ability to take on the job’s responsibilities while simultaneously fulfilling the requirements of the feminine role (raising children).

In this context, being too-nice is a defense mechanism—a way to have your cake and eat it too. You can be ambitious, but hide your ambition beneath a veneer of accommodation and deference. It is a way of reassuring yourself that even if you are at the top of your medical school class, you are still feminine, and no one can take that away from you.

the compulsion to flirt was, in a way, a reversal of her intellectual performance; it was the feminine erasing of her masculine achievement.

Femininity, then, “is a mask which can be worn or removed,”

adopting exaggerated, stereotypical feminine behavior is a method of distancing oneself from supposed masculinity. Being “nice” and deferential and sweet in circumstances when such behavior is counterproductive is a common strategy used by many women who, consciously or not, are anxious to please and not to be regarded as masculine.

“the strategic value of self-abnegation.”60 Self-abnegation is apparently popular among many high-level women.

some women use niceness in a manipulative manner. Wendy

“You get more out of honey than out of vinegar.” At

niceness backfires. After all, she is entering others into a contract they don’t even know they’re entering. So when they don’t respond the way she thinks they should, she becomes resentful and ultimately hostile.

Intimacy can also be used manipulatively.

Gloria Steinem has admitted that she cries when she gets angry. “Not only do I find this humiliating, but it also lessens my ability to explain what I’m angry about, leading to more anger and an even bigger lump in my throat.”

“When you cry,” she says, “it makes you the victim, so you’re the one who now needs to be taken care of. It completely shifts the dynamic. This is one way that women exert control over each other: through guilt.”

Those who withdrew from competition admitted that they ended up resenting their co-workers.

Motherhood does not automatically unify women. Other mothers look at a new mother and compare her parenting skills with their own. There is an unspoken competition over who is a “better” mother. Who is more willing to efface her own desires and needs for the sake of her child? Whose parenting style is going to produce the smarter child? Who is, in sum, most qualified for this job?

common media-generated image of the “bad” mother has been an overweight, unmarried woman of color, living on welfare with six children from as many fathers. This stereotype has served to make middle-class mothers of all races feel smug.

the emaciated white Park Avenue wife, affluent and with no job (just “charity work”), with one child but no time for her—that serves the same function.

As long as mothers alone are held responsible for raising well-adjusted children, we will feel insecure and competitive—and stereotypes of deficient mothers will continue to delight us, and divide us.

Competition among mothers leads to destructive silence about the realities of childbirth and parenthood. When one feels competitive, she often conceals information in the belief that knowing more than everyone else makes her more powerful.

any mother prefers to think of herself as “good” rather than “bad,” but the concept of “good” makes sense only when others are “bad.” So in order to secure her identity as a “good” mother, she buries her ambivalences and projects to other mothers or mothers-to-be how amazing and gratifying parenthood is. Besides, if she shares her ambivalences with mothers-to-be, the latter may be better equipped than she was to handle this huge transition.

Competition over who is a “better” mother leads first-time mothers to make poor decisions at the expense of their own physical and mental health and at the expense of the well-being of their babies. It makes them doubt everything they do.

If a mother feels insecure about her parenting, and sees another mother doing things differently, it would be reasonable to want to learn from the second mother. But that is not what happens. Instead, feelings of insecurity are transformed into a sense of self-righteousness. We go on the defensive: Our way becomes the right way. Other mothers are quick to tell you their way is the right way. Mothers feel defensive because the deck is stacked against us. We bear the brunt of parenting anxieties individually. No matter how involved a father is, it is the mother who is judged by her child’s behavior and accomplishments.

When a mother voiced her concern about being judged in front of the group, the other mothers did not try to console her.

Dr. Benjamin Spock published The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care in 1946; since then it has been reprinted hundreds of times and has sold more copies than any other book in American history except for the Bible. Unlike Holt, Spock emphasized the importance of relaxed discipline and the need for mothers to watch their children’s cues and fulfill their needs. Mothers had to be present constantly and create a stimulating environment at each developmental stage. Motherhood instantly became a lot more work. A mother was now responsible for molding happy, healthy children who would grow up free of any psychological distress. If her children were unhappy or in ill mental health in any way, it was her fault. Neither the children’s father, nor their friends, nor their culture, nor their inborn temperament was to blame: Mother alone was responsible for their outcome.

The sacrificial mother is soft and warm and pliant—not unlike children. Women and children are often lumped into one category, which explains the infantilizing language used by baby-product manufacturers even when products are directed to mothers.

But a lot of these women want to talk with me because I’m less of a threat now.” She is cast as a mother figure and disregarded by her colleagues as a formidable figure.

Pregnancy makes women innocuous? Ends with birth

In exchange for sacrificing her authority in the larger world, a mother is able to invoke moral authority in the domestic sphere,

And that's why we get frustrated in the world, put that frustration as aggression towards one another, and decide for right wing support cause at least it promises us power over the domestic

Mothers often compete with one another over who is most sacrificial. We compete in the same way that colleagues compete in the workplace. But since there is nowhere to advance to, no promotions to be had, and no end-of-year bonuses or raises to strive for, we compete for social approval from our peers, families, and husbands. Many of the choices mothers make about how to parent are influenced by the desire to be, or appear to be, as devoted as possible.

Natural-childbirth proponents, alarmed by this trend, warn pregnant women that if they choose anesthesia, they are losing the opportunity to experience one of the greatest events of their lives.

Roght wing women, in conpetition with each other over who deserves more devotion for self sacrifice

Yet advocates shower with praise the women who eschew drugs and make the rest of us feel that we have done something wrong.

Breast-feeding made my time with my son burdensome. The overromanticized “special bond” did not develop. Instead, I began to resent him. I also began to resent all the mothers who seemingly nursed so easily.

Some breast-feeding proponents can be so zealous in their cause that women who do not nurse are made to feel they are not maternal, feminine, or devoted enough.

because of the cultural ideal of the sacrificial mother, just about every new mother worries that she is not sacrificial enough, that she is not good enough—and other mothers feel entitled to call her to task for not being so.

Mothers on both sides of this issue go to great lengths to defend their position. When two mothers disagree, each tries to explain why her choice is best for her. Many times, each goes too far and ends up explaining why her choice is best for every mother.

it’s no wonder that so many Americans equate “family” with “breadwinner dad, stay-at-home mom.” This is the family that so many grew up watching on television.

As long as mothers compete over which is “better”—to stay at home or to work for pay—and being a stay-at-home mother is idealized while being a working mother is slandered as selfish, negligent, or, God forbid, feminist, our government will continue to refuse to raise the quality of day-care centers or to subsidize the tuition for the excellent ones.

full-time mothers who either work part time or not at all are systematically disadvantaged by a society that on the one hand praises them for their unpaid labor but on the other hand punishes them economically.

The wage gap between mothers and childless women is far greater than that between women and men.

Femibism has proposed equaloty, we might even believe it was achieved but yhebsystem hasnt xaight up. Unpaid domesticanlr, carer labor expect of women puts them at a disadvantage so they fel they jave less pie and realistixally have less time and means to fight against a man for wprk or recognition. Henxe its easier going agyer and conparing to someone whos also at disadvantage: pther women

Working mothers and full-time mothers, then, face enormous constraints. Both groups need to stop judging each other and band together to demand better conditions for all parents so that they can be present for their children and also continue to provide for them.

Two of the most important architects of the movement were Stanton and Susan B. Anthony. Theirs was an unlikely friendship, but because they saw past their differences and teamed up with a common cause, history would forever be changed.

life of a housewife with many children (she would eventually have seven) in an isolated, small town.

Anthony, by contrast, enjoyed being single; by choice, she never married or had children. She first became aware of discrimination against women when she worked as a headmistress of a private school yet earned a fraction of the salary earned by the headmaster.

Just as the women’s movement was gaining strength, it divided. In 1869, two separate organizations formed, each with a different ideology and strategy.