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“Scholarships, hard work, late nights, and persistence put me through nursing school, Nelson. You simply provided a life that made all of those things easier for me. Nursing school was happening whether you were in my world
or not. Did you make it easier? Yes. But I put myself through school.
I wish you the best in life. I simply won’t be there to witness it and I’m okay with that.
Today is about you, I reminded myself. Not a car. Not a man. Not his affairs. Not a friend. Not heartbreak. It’s about you, Glacier.
The sadness that flashed across his dark eyes sat right on top of my chest. I knew that pain. I’d felt it over the last six years, but it doubled with both of my parents’ deaths. It was a deep, hallowing, and unexplainable pain that only people like him and I could feel.
You did it, baby, my mother’s voice sounded in the distance.
My girl, the sky is the limit, my father’s voice trailed.
“Save that shit, Mommas. Handle your business and don’t fix your lips to beg a fuck nigga again.”
“When I said buy yourself something nice, I meant that. Don’t disobey me, Mommas. I hate that shit. If you need your rent paid, use that one.”
“Enjoy your freedom, Mommas. You won’t be free for long.”
The fire on the end of the blunt was the pathway to my contentment. Feelings. Them motherfuckers belonged in the trash and not in my chest. I peaked the sound on my stereo, hoping to drown them out. My efforts were in vain.
Weighted shoulders sagged as my father’s face appeared behind my lowered eyelids. It didn’t matter how many years passed, the pain was still present, still prominent.
“You with me, Mommas. There’s no safer, better place to be. I’ll stand on that, any time, any place.”
I relaxed against his frame, understanding that any battle I was fighting with him, I’d easily lose. Makai was war-ready. He was equipped. He was fearless. Losing, for him, wasn’t an option.
“No fear. It means no fear. If you want to stalk a nigga with those pretty ass eyes and that pretty ass face, then stand on that shit. Ain’t no need to be shy because when it’s my turn to stalk you, ain’t shit gon’ stop me.”
“One thang you can’t be around me is scared, Kiwi. I’m going to test every limit, push every button, and get that shit up out of you every time.”
As if a knife had been shoved into his gut, he winced in pain. Not verbally, but physically. That hurt didn’t just reside inside of you. It was part of your physical being, too. Even I was gutted, my stomach knotting and my chest burning upon realizing both of us were without our parents. Orphans, as some would deem the parentless youth.
“I don’t have limits. Hell is my limit and that’s because I ain’t visited that motherfucker yet. When I do, I’m almost certain I can find a way to go lower.”
“Ever felt something deep? Extremely deep and extremely scary at once? Yet, you can’t help yourself? You can’t stop yourself. And with each passing second, you’re silently praying that it’s not all for nothing and reciprocation is in your favor?”
I’m not afraid of crashing for the right reason. He’s the right reason. I’ll crash a hundred times if he’s my end result.”
“You gon’ stand there letting your mouth water or you gon’ come suck this motherfucker?”
“Put ya lips anywhere they ain’t supposed to be and I’m catching two cases, Kiwi.”
“Ayo, Chem. I think I’ve found her, big bro. I just need a little advice so I won’t fuck this shit up. I need to get it right the first time. She’d been through enough.”
I’d act a damn fool if I lose you before I’ve even had the chance to fully enjoy you.”
“That’s an invitation to my heart,”
I ain’t asking you shit. I’m telling you what it is. You can either fall in line or fall in line.
Feeling whole and complete, I recognized the missing piece to my puzzle upon its entry. It solidified so much for me, leaving hardly anything up for question. Leaving hardly anything up for assumption.
“Shhhh.” He silenced me. “Just listen to us. Just feel us. Just stay here with me, in this moment. No words.”
Wherever we are and Mommas is feeling blue, that’s where the fuck we’ll be until she’s warm again.”
“Communication is what will make this shit work. You’re not a fool for feeling how you feel
or needing to make sure you’re not alone with those feelings. We all seek validation in some area of our lives. Most motherfuckers just won’t admit it. You telling me the shit you have going on in your head is validating me, letting me know that this shit is as real as I think it is… as real as I want to it be… as real as I need it to be.”
“If you don’t want to talk to me or communicate with me, then do what you want. But not halfway. Don’t pop up on me. Don’t pull me to the side to talk about nothing. Don’t bait me in just to leave me hanging. Stand on your s-stand on your principles, Makai. I’m respecting your space. Don’t come bothering me until you’re ready to come back to me.”
I’d never known peace until Glacier. Now that I’d discovered it, I never wanted to live without it.
Perfection didn’t exist, but the thing we were building was the closest to it. Not because disagreements didn’t arise, but because we handled them head—on instead of letting things fester and create larger problems.
Falling in love with him was unavoidable and I was almost certain I’d reached that point.
“Listen to them,” Kleu added. “It doesn’t stop with them. They just find ways to get better, do better, love better, listen better… all the things. They are obsessed with progression. Not only in life but in love as well. That’s why I’m never coming up off my nigga.”
Some weight that expressed her life’s purpose and an ability that the opposite sex simply didn’t have—procreating.
“Never feel threatened by a nigga in my presence. I will kill everything breathing in this bitch about you. Don’t ever get that twisted. For you, I will clear a whole town. For you, I will lay shit down. For you, I will wage war. For you, G, hell ain’t even the limit. Fix your face, that’s your past. I’m your future.”
“If there’s nothing else you take from this conversation, step away knowing that you have absolutely nothing to fear when it comes to a Domino man exuding confidence and remaining in control of any situation they find themselves in. You’re not fucking on a bum, Glacier. You’re fucking on a boss. Act accordingly. Head high, chest out in every room you walk in, no matter who is in that motherfucker.”
“I’m your first line of defense. I’m your emergency line. I’m the motherfucker you call to handle your shit. I’m your fucking police. Me. Call me! Don’t call them. Call me! They’re going to put that nigga in the cold cell; I’m going to put that bitch in the soil. I’m sparing nothing and no one behind you. Do you understand me?”
“Restraining order, baby? The piece of paper that has spared not one woman’s life in situations like this? Nah. I’m the restrainer and the fucking order. They don’t protect y’all from shit, but I will.”
“You can cry your pretty little heart out. That nigga gots to go.”
Hoe niggas gon’ do hoe shit.”
“I’m nothing like them. I’m uncouthed. I have no fucking limit when it comes to Glacier. Fucking with her is like fucking with my money and I don’t play about my fucking money, bitch ass nigga. Consider yourself terminated. You have no traps. You have no white. You have no fucking crib. I burned that bitch to the ground. The smell is still lingering in the air this morning. Everything you’ve worked so hard to get, I’ve taken it. Everything being in business with me has helped you gain, I’ve taken it. You’re a bitch. A hoe ass nigga and that’s all you’ll ever be. I bailed you out, not because
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“That’s on Momma, nigga. That’s on Daddy, nigga. If I don’t kill that bitch, then my name ain’t Makai motherfucking Domino. Pops ain’t raised a single hoe, my nigga. He has to get it!”
“I’m a lot of things, but a hoe ass nigga ain’t one. I have no intention of fucking you over. But you won’t stop me from looking out for you. It’s your job to protect your girl, but it’s my job to protect you. Ima do that to the fullest. I don’t give a fuck how that makes you feel, either.”
“Marry me, Mommas,” I begged. “Have my babies. Please, marry me. Be mine forever.”
She’d been designed for me. Perfectly, she fit. It wasn’t until she walked into my life that I came to the conclusion that I’d been lonely before. Shielding my heart from women after the world had already broken it was my coping mechanism. I didn’t want to cope anymore. I wanted to live. That was what Glacier did for a nigga. She gave me life. She gave me purpose. She gave me hope, some shit I hadn’t had since the day my momma killed herself and my pops.
I undressed, stripping down to my briefs. It was me, this time, who needed to feel her skin against mine, to feel the pressure of our bodies as they collided in a nonsexual manner, to hear every breath she took, and to have something to hold on to. To have her to hold on to.
It was a privilege loving her.
