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Me Are you okay? Nikolai You ask as if you care. Don’t be like this. I’m asking if you’re okay. Can you just answer the question? You could’ve asked in person, but that would kill you, right?
Love it when you worry about me, baby. See you. I want to tell him I’m not worried, but even I don’t want to send that lie.
I usually make him something before I leave. Breakfast or dinner, depending on how late it is.
Gay
I leave every night when he doesn’t seem like he wants me to. He doesn’t say that out loud, but I can feel the crushing disappointment in his voice whenever he asks, “You leaving?” Every night. Every time. As if he expects the answer to change.
And every night, it gets harder to say “Yeah” or “You know I am.” So I just nod now. And even that...
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“Wanna know what you look like when you come?” He speaks against my lips, his breath stroking my skin and his intense eyes swallowing me in their depths. “You look like fucking mine.”
“Tell me something in Russian.” I cup his chin and stare deep into those eyes that have become my undoing as I say the words Grandpa said Russians take seriously and literally. “Ya nee ma goo bees tee byah zhit.” “What does that mean?” “You’re so cute,” I lie through my teeth.
“I can’t live without you.”
“Tell me something you noticed about me no one else knows.” “Hmm. You have eleven moles on your body.” “Okay…” “I’m not done. You have two hundred seventeen lashes on your right eye and two hundred twelve lashes on your left one.” His lips part. “You…counted them?” “Almost every night since you stayed over. That’s last night’s count. Might change today. You tend to lose some on your left eye.”
They’re killing me
Sofi liked this
You better remember who the fuck you belong to, Nikolai.
How dare he be so unaffected when I’ve barely been able to breathe properly since he’s been gone?
In the past, I couldn’t care less about whether or not I survived the violence and the mayhem. Now is different. Now, the thought of being without him terrifies me. Death terrifies me because it would take me away from him.
I smile, but it falters when I reach his pectoral muscle and find a new tattoo in the spot he left blank on purpose. My hands freeze as I study the artistic patterns of the lotus flower and make out the elegant font beneath it that reads Property of B. King. He had it inked on the spot that he said was for something special.
SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP
“Even if you hate yourself, I’ll love you for the both of us.”
Fuck me. He drew eyes for the first time in years and they’re mine.
“You saw…” And now you can’t look at me anymore. “Bran—” His words are cut off when I snatch the piece of glass from his hand and jam it against my neck.
I’ve never had such a visceral reaction to typed words in my life
I was begging and kissing his blue lips and asking, imploring, praying for a God I’ve never believed in to give him back to me. I’ll do anything if you give him back. If he asked for my life in return, I’d spill my guts on a platter. I don’t want a life without him. I can’t have a life without him.
As long as he comes back, I’ll murder his demons one by one until he’s ready to look in the mirror again.
My brother stops at the door. “One more thing.” “Yeah?” “Please tell me you top the motherfucker.” I let my lips curve into a smile as I shake my head. Lan’s face falls and he looks like he’s on the verge of a heart attack.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Shauna Voigt liked this
“Remember when you told me to tell you something in Russian?” “You said I was cute.” “No. I said ‘I can’t live without you,’ and we take that quite literally in Russia.”
“That scene was our beginning, as unglamorous as it was. No matter how scared I was of you and everything you presented, I wouldn’t have it any other way. You’re the purest, most passionate soul I’ve ever met. You loved me when I didn’t even like myself. You held me together when I was falling apart and helped me put myself back together one piece at a time until I became the man I am today.” He reaches into his jacket and pulls out a dark-blue velvet box, then opens it to show two rings. “I love you more than words can describe and I’ll be honored if you choose to spend the rest of your life
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I AM SOBBING
I love this man with everything I have and don’t have. I love him with my sane and insane parts. He’s my lotus flower. My Prince Charming. The love of my life. Mine.
