The Demon

by Hubert Selby Jr.

Harry was more a witness to his actions than the creator of them;

But he just sat and talked and joked and laughed and had the best time of his life as he fought the demon that was welling up inside him, growing and growling, and causing his inner eye to blink with dismay and confusion.

There are just some compromises that cannot be made without compromising the foundation of your life.

It is imperative that a corporate executive be a good family man and a responsible member of his community.

In that world, as Wentworth saw it, you had to be a family man to be trusted.

And no one would know what was said. But the feelings would be remembered, as feelings always are, long after the words and the circumstances have passed beyond recall.

Memories, like ancient history, can easily disappear when their pertinence to today is ignored, and then they eventually reappear and become current events.

And another staring-at-the-plate breakfast—the previous one suddenly vivid in the mind, the memory alive with the little tricks and techniques used the previous time—and the torturous, and time endless, ride to work and the interminable ride in the elevator and walk to the office before the door is safely closed, and a grabbing of the head with the hands and then the sudden clenching of teeth and hands and the conscious effort to abandon oneself to work and then the blessed relief of the work filling all the areas, including the dark corners of consciousness, and the day eventually proceeding at its normal pace.

And it was not with the worlds ethics and morals that Harry was compromising, but with his own. That is what produced the conflict. That is what created the pain.

Harry watched him go, overwhelmingly and nauseously aware of the fact that there had been absolutely no resistance to his suggestion. He had surrendered to it before there was an urge, before there was any hint of desire, before there was a need. He was aware of a sense of loss, of a profound sense of sadness and irretrievable loss.

He continued to swallow and to shove this demon down without ever acknowledging its existence.

There never is a real difference between ancient history and current events. There are only variations; the theme is always the same.

A power greater than he seemed to be pushing him toward the gates of insanity or death.