Dept. of Speculation

by Jenny Offill

If I had to sum up what he did to me, I’d say it was this: he made me sing along to all the bad songs on the radio. Both when he loved me and when he didn’t.

Remember it is possible to feel this way. There were twenty days on the calendar, then fifteen, then ten, then the day I packed my car and left.

I bought a warmer coat with many ingenious pockets. You put your hands in all of them.

The reason to have a home is to keep certain people in and everyone else out.

There is still such crookedness in my heart. I had thought loving two people so much would straighten it.

I lie in our bed and listen to the hum of the air conditioner and the soft sound of their breathing. Amazing. Out of dark waters, this.

Hard to believe I used to think love was such a fragile business. Once when he was still young, I saw a bit of his scalp showing through his hair and I was afraid. But it was just a cowlick. Now sometimes it shows through for real, but I feel only tenderness.