He's Not My Type (The Vancouver Agitators, #4)

by Meghan Quinn

I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck rise. “Nothing. All I can say is thank God for my generation creating the casual but professional look by incorporating sneakers with trousers because I wouldn’t have anything to wear on my feet if it weren’t for the fashion trends right now. And don’t get me started on the underwear I have to wear now.” She grips my jersey, coming in closer. “They are . . . enormous. I could wrap your head and Posey’s head together in one pair. So you can understand I need my best friend. Therefore, find your balls, man, because you are going to make my friend fall for you so fucking hard that she won’t know what to do with herself. Got it?” I swallow hard, staring down at the maniacal eyes of Eli’s girl, and I feel myself slowly nod. She pats my cheek. “That’s a good boy.” She straightens out her blouse. “Now, what is the plan?” Startled, Posey clears his throat. “Uh, what were you thinking?” “Glad you asked.”

Penny: Are you home yet? Halsey: This doesn’t feel right. I don’t want to trick her. Penny: Dear God, Holmes, didn’t I tell you to grab your balls? Posey: I witnessed the balls comment. My balls actually shriveled up from it. Silas: I’m still trying to dig mine out of my asshole after she mentioned raw nipples. OC: Uh . . . am I supposed to be on this text thread? Pacey: What’s happening? Posey: Penny is part of the Frozen Fellas now. Silas: Trust me, don’t fight it. She has raw nipples. OC: Is she taking Eli’s place? Silas: Consider Eli dead. I don’t think he can stomach the pressure. He’s softened since he’s become a dad. Penny: There is nothing soft about him! Posey: Christ, Silas, don’t anger it. Penny: It? Posey: HER! I meant her! Don’t anger her. That was my phone. Not me. I’d never call you it. Please God, don’t make my nipples raw like yours. OC: You know, I think this Frozen Fellas thing has become a bit too much for me. I was all for it until raw nipples were brought into the conversation. Penny: Are you calling me raw nipples as a nickname, new guy? Posey: Oh dear God. It’s angered. Posey: I mean she! She’s angered. Silas: Well, there go my balls again.

“Try me, Holmes.” “Let go of the door.” “Never,” she hisses.

“Fine,” I say. “Fine?” she asks, thinking she’s won. I move back into my room while she hops down from the mattress. I feel her eyes watching me walk into my attached bathroom. I reach into one of the drawers, grab a pair of scissors, and walk past her, headed right for her room. “What are you doing?” she asks. I remain silent, walking past Sherman, who now has a picture of a cat set up next to him. What the hell is that about? I’ll ask questions later. I have a mission to accomplish at the moment.

“Shit, sorry, I didn’t mean for that to be aggressive, but don’t get up.” She points at me. “Stay right there. I’ll get the sloppy joes.” “I can⁠—” She plants her foot right on top of my chest, and in a demon voice, she says, “Get up and I will bring that pan over here and use your nut sac as a trivet. Got it?” I hold my hands up in surrender. “Fine.” I am just as terrified by Blakely’s demon voice as I am of Penny’s. Who taught who? Because surely, they weren’t raised with that voice, right?

Blakely drives like she has precious cargo in the car. She refuses to go above the speed limit, and she asks if I’m okay every few seconds. “Yes . . . I’m fine. Seriously, you don’t have to keep asking,” I say as my phone buzzes with a text. Penny: How’s it going? I’m dying to know. Do we hear wedding bells? I roll my eyes. If only she fucking knew. Posey: How were the sloppy joes? I tried the recipe because I was curious. Really enjoyed the added onions. Silas: Ha! I made them too. Fucking delicious. OC: Is it weird that I cooked them as well, but only because I want to get on Penny’s good side? Penny: Very smart, new guy. Very smart.

I text them back. Halsey: Burned the fuck out of the sloppy joes because I was wrestling a mattress. I rolled my ankle, so we’re currently on the way to the arena to meet with Grace. I ended up popping the air mattress with scissors. Silas: **BLINKS** Posey: Uh . . . I don’t think that’s what we planned. OC: Wait, so you’re hurt? Pacey: Fuck, dude! Halsey: Yeah, I’m hurt, and dinner was roasted. Penny: This. Penny: Is. Penny: Perfect!!! Silas: I say this with all the gentility that I can muster, but how is our center rolling his ankle perfect? OC: Clearly, Penny knows all so we should just listen to her. Yay, you rolled your ankle! Posey: Dude, have some nuts. Pacey: I’m with Levi. OC: I’m so confused! Penny: Okay, it sucks for the team, but this is perfect for Halsey. He will be out for, what? A week or two? Blakely will be so distraught that she’ll want to take care of him every chance she gets, leading to them falling in love! Can’t you see, it’s perfect! Posey: She’s right. Silas: Huh, that does make sense. OC: See, all hail Queen Penny. Penny: Okay, pull it back, new guy. OC: Sorry.

Pacey: I don’t know Blakely well, but I know if this was Winnie, she’d want to do everything she can so that, in her mind, she’s rectifying the situation that she helped create. I agree with Penny. Let her work through this herself. Silas: Same with Ollie. Posey: And when she works through it, that’s when you take advantage of the time with her. Penny: Correct, boys. I’m proud of you. OC: I’m still thinking about how you used the word penetrate. I keep thinking about your penis. I think there is something wrong with me. Halsey: You’ve lost a lot of my respect. OC: I accept this.

Penny: He’s a smart man. Maybe this one bed situation will lead to something else. **wiggles eyebrows** Blakely: You realize I’m only a few weeks out from breaking up with my longtime boyfriend and that by no means am I even close to ready to date someone else, let alone think about it. Penny: I know . . . but he’s so yummy. Blakely: Do you tell that to Eli? Penny: No way, his man ego isn’t strong enough to handle such a sentence.

Okay . . . so Penny is very right about the whole yummy thing because . . . wow. I know I’ve seen him without his shirt on before, but now that he’s in nothing but a pair of boxer briefs, it brings our friendship to a whole new level. I mean, look at those thighs. I’ve never been a man-thigh kind of girl, but my God, his are thick and his calves and his knees and . . . oh my God, Blakely, stop looking at the man’s legs.

Because I’m apparently an absolute pervert, the first thing my eyes go to is his crotch where I catch an obvious bulge. It’s not the kind of bulge where he’s turned on, just his everyday package and . . . wow. It’s there . . . a bulge of all bulges. It’s really there.

I point my finger at him and say, “Don’t you dare do anything like that to me, got it?” “I would never. You scare me more than my mom.” “Good, keep it that way.”

“Hell, tonight is going to be rough without you though. Are you staying to watch?” “No, going to watch from my apartment. I actually asked Blakely to watch with me.” He slowly turns his head and faces me. Whispering, he asks, “Did you tell Posey this?” “No, why?” “He’s going to be so fucking obnoxious that I don’t think I can bear him knowing.” “What do you mean?” I ask. “He’s seemed really chill in the Frozen Fellas group, but he’s been bragging up a storm in a separate text about how he’s the best matchmaker to ever walk the goddamn planet. Of course, Pacey let him have it last night and said he shouldn’t be celebrating while our center is laid up with a bad ankle. We haven’t heard from him since but if he knows you have a date planned⁠—” “It’s not a date.” “Oh, he’ll call it that. Like Jesus, he’s been insufferable. It’s almost as if he’s trying to avoid something in his life so he’s incessantly involving himself in ours.” “That’s probably the case,”

“Why does it feel like if I unleashed you and Penny on the anti-fans that you would end up making them cry in minutes?” “Because you’re aware of our superpowers. No one messes with us or the people in our group.” “Am I in your group?” I ask. “I mean . . . you and Sherman are for sure in the group. Maybe Sherman a little more than you.” “I want to say I’m insulted, but I also understand the connection.” “Is it weird that I was looking up plant clothes today? There was nothing, but I did find some bowties made for stuffies that could work for him. It would be adorable. A purple one for game days. He would be dressing up just like his daddy.” “What did I say about that? He doesn’t call me Daddy.” “As far as you’re aware.”

“Hmm, okay. Well, I know that you like blueberry-flavored things. I know that you like to read and, despite liking to read, you don’t have bookshelves for all of your books, which drives me a little nutty. I know that you somehow formed a bond with a plant named Sherman.” If only she knew the truth about that. Although, when I pass by him, I do feel a kinship toward him now.

I quickly type Penny back. Halsey: What? Posey: Wait . . . hold on . . . do not fucking tell me we’ve been friend-zoned. I will chuck my bologna sandwich across the room right now! Pacey: Please chuck it into the trash, it smells disgusting. Posey: Your face smells disgusting! Silas: How is that productive? OC: I would say it’s not, but you know, just stepping in here. Anything Penny says is correct because she is queen. Posey: Seriously, dude, pull your head out of her ass before I tell Hornsby you’re hitting on her. Penny: He would not be happy. OC: Jesus, I’m not! I swear. I’m just trying to be liked here and not chewed apart by a mama bear with scary fangs.

Halsey: For the love of God, can we bring it back to the brother thing? Did she say that to you? Penny: Yes! I was talking about you, you know suggesting how great and hot you are, and she went and said that you’re like a brother to her. Silas: Not going to lie, that’s a fucking blow. Pacey: Can’t see us bouncing back from that. OC: Not that my opinion matters, but fuck, man, that’s harsh. Posey: I am dead now. Halsey: Why would she say that? We’ve been getting along great. I haven’t been giving off brotherly vibes. Penny: Have you been giving off boyfriend vibes? Halsey: Yeah, I got us cookies the other night. Posey: That’s it? Have you been doing the no shirt thing? Have you accidentally let her walk in on you naked? You’re sharing a goddamn bed, have you scooted in close and aroused her with your morning erection? Silas: The erection thing is a bit much. Pacey: And the naked thing isn’t? OC: You know, in my experience, girls like guys that listen. Posey: For the LOVE OF GOD exit the chat, OC.

Halsey: That was a fucking disaster. Posey: What do you mean? Are you ruining this for us? Halsey: No! You are! Silas: What did you say? Did you say it right? Penny: Yes, please regale us with what you said, because we did nothing wrong. This is all on you. Halsey: All you told me to do was talk about dick piercings with no guidance. And then you threatened me if I didn’t talk about it. Pacey: In Halsey’s defense, that’s exactly what happened. Halsey: Thank you!

Silas: She asked you about dick pain? OC: Are you into dick pain? Halsey: NO! Like I said, a fucking disaster. Penny: Disaster? I call that a SUCCESS! Posey: I was just about to say the same thing. Halsey: How the hell was that a success? Penny: Take it from the only lady in the group, she’s now thinking about your penis and that is step one. Posey: ^^^ Correct. There is penis thinking now. Silas: Yeah, I can see the validity in that. OC: I know it’s worked on me. **winces** Pacey: I like you more and more every day, OC. OC: I feel that hard.

Halsey: I’m not going to touch her in bed. That’s completely uncalled for. And what kind of touching are we talking about? OC: GRAB HER TIT! Pacey: Dude. OC: Right, sorry. I charged into that rather quickly. Please disregard.

Halsey: Abort. Abort. This is not going well. I fucking touched her tit! I violated her very being. Silas: How the fuck did you manage that? Pacey: Dude, that was NOT one of the zones we talked about. Posey: HER TIT?? Halsey: Yes. Her fucking tit! OC: Why was your hand that high? I mean, understandable if you were reaching for my grandma’s lower back or stomach and accidentally touched a boob since my grandma’s hang low, but Blakely? Silas: Are you really calling your grandma’s boobs low-hanging? Dude, show a little respect. Pacey: Ninety-five percent of the grandma population has breasts that are neighbors with their belly buttons, but we don’t talk about it. Those boobs have seen things . . . respect their journey. OC: Sorry.

“Look at her, not me. Blakely is the one you should be apologizing to.” The snap of his voice actually makes my nipples hard. “Right. Right.” Mr. Gorman looks at me and says, “I’m sorry, Miss . . .” “White,” Halsey says in such a dark, menacing tone that I’m slightly scared and also, God, I hate to admit it, but turned on.

Penny: I’m texting her right now. I’ll ask her how it’s been going living with Halsey. Halsey: BE SUBTLE! Penny: Don’t worry, I will. She hasn’t said anything to me, but we haven’t really talked about it other than the whole brother thing. But I’ve been nervous to give my position away, so I don’t press that much. OC: Ooo, she’s being stealth about it. I like that. Silas: I’m going to start telling Eli about how you’re sucking Penny’s ass. OC: I’m NOT SUCKING HER ASS! Jesus. Penny: It feels like a light sucking.

Posey: So what you’re saying is that we’ve made progress? Penny: I’m saying that we might need something monumental to really shift her frame of mind, because I know for a fact she’s said Halsey isn’t for her. Halsey: Fuck, she said that? OC: Ouch, why does that make me physically ill?

Halsey: You are all useless. You’ve created a situation where I’ve failed time after time and sure, some of it has been my fault, but this advice has been asinine. If anything, the only accomplishment I’ve made when it comes to Blakely is being friend-zoned. So thank you. Also, I’m not fucking her! OC: Even though I read that as a nice thank you, I think this is a situation where we’re not supposed to say you’re welcome. Posey: You’re going to be removed again. OC: Understood.

Pacey: Exactly. Anyway, Halsey, what’s the news? Halsey: Perry is coming back for a wedding that they’re both going to. Penny: WHAT?! Why? Ew, did he say he wanted to get back together with Blakely? I will riot! Posey: You’ll riot? I’ll throw a goddamn tantrum right in front of her. Halsey: No, he said he wanted to “hang out.” So it was a “DTF?” IMHO. She looked really panicked, which I took as a good sign. So I told her to take me as her date, and I’d pretend to be her boyfriend. Posey: You did?!? OC: Is it weird that my nipples just got hard? Penny: You’re pulling a Silas! Oh my God, this is amazing. What did she say? Halsey: She said yes. Posey: Boner . . . I have a fucking BONER! She fucking said yes? Slap me in the ass because I need to be woken up from this dream. OC: Should I be concerned that I didn’t get a boner but my nipples are hard? Pacey: Both of you are fucking idiots.

OC: **Eats popcorn** Just here for the storyline. Silas: Is he kicked out again? Posey: Yes. Penny: Yes. Pacey: I don’t know . . . I think he brings charm.

We move past the couch and because I’ve clearly lost all faculties, I call out, “Bye, Sherman.” The plant now has a permanent scarf around the base of his pot and a picture of my dead cat next to him. I think it’s cute that Halsey rolls with it and doesn’t mind the new additions. Halsey pauses to glance at me with a humorous twitch to his lips. “Do you always say goodbye to him?” I press my hand to my chest. “Of course. Don’t you?” He peeks over his shoulder at the plant and then back at me. “No.” “Well, looks like the nanny has become more of a mom. Maybe I need to take custody.” “If he starts wilting when you’re gone, then maybe you will.”

messed up?” Silas asks as he walks into the locker room, a towel over his shoulder. “Jesus Christ. How?” “What’s happening?” Eli says, joining us as well. “Halsey fucked up.” Posey gestures his hand in my direction. “Does this have to do with Blakely?” he asks. “Yes,” Posey says, stepping in with all the information. “Blakely had to go to a wedding last night, and her ex was going to be there, so Halsey told her to take him as her date and pretend to be her boyfriend. She agreed, they went, and apparently, he blew the one chance he had of escaping the friend zone he put himself in.” Eli winces. “Sounds brutal. What did you do that fucked everything up?” “I slept with her last night.” The boys stop everything they’re doing and slowly turn toward me. A naked man could come flying in here, do the helicopter with his wiener, and they wouldn’t even blink an eye as silence falls around us.

I lean closer to her desk, press my palm to the surface, and glance down at the floor. “Halsey Holmes has the biggest dick I’ve ever seen.” When I look up, I watch a slow smile creep over Penny’s lips. She whispers back, “How big?” I wet my lips and say, “I stopped breathing for a second when he started . . . slipping it in. Took a good minute or so for him to, you know, fully get in there.” She leans back in her chair and stares up at the ceiling. “Wow, that’s great. Good for you.” “No, not good for me.” Her smile disappears as she brings her gaze back to me. “What do you mean not good for you? Did he hurt you? Is that why you walked in here weird?” “He didn’t hurt me, but yes, I’m walking weird because I sat on a light post several times last night.” She chuckles. “Penny, this isn’t funny.”

“I was cock-shocked, and I don’t know how to handle it.” Penny snorts so hard that I see a droplet of snot fly out of her nose and right onto her desk. She picks up a tissue and wipes at her nose—and the desk, thank God—while she laughs. “This isn’t funny,” I groan. “Blakely.” She dabs at her eyes. “You just said you were cock-shocked.” “Because I was!”

“Why would he say that? That is the unsexiest thing he could have said, especially after the things he said to me last night.” I place my hand on the desk and say, “Penny, he told me to use him as my sex toy.” I watch her cheeks turn a shade of pink. “He said that?” she whispers.

“Main hole?” I yell as I look up at Posey who seems very satisfied with himself. “You called her vagina her main hole? What the fuck is wrong with you?” “Told you not to let him have your phone,” Silas says. “This is oye my dick all over again.” “You know, when he helped me, it actually went pretty well now that I think about it,” Eli says, scratching his chin.

“You want him to just . . . keep doing her?” Silas asks. “Yup.” Eli shrugs. “Keep moving forward. Keep giving her what she was taking last night. At some point, she’s going to break. Until then, show her how you have ruined her for any other man.” Just then, my phone dings with a text back. Silence falls over the locker room as I look down at the text. Blakely: Thanks for impaling me with your giant stick. My mouth goes dry as I slowly look up at the boys. Posey smiles and says, “From the look on your face, I bet you owe me a thank-you. Go ahead, I’m all ears. Lay it on me.” “Fuck off,” I say as I sit back down on the bench.

Posey: Lord, fucking help me. Are you going out with someone random? I swear to God, Holmes, I can’t take this shit. Silas: He wouldn’t do that. Posey: Oh really? Because I’ve seen him do it. You were too busy with Ollie when he started feeding his yearning with random women at bars. Pacey: Yeah, I remember that. It was Ollie’s birthday, right? Posey: It was a disaster. I can’t go through that again. Silas: Oh yeah, I recall something like that. Eli: Was I there? Halsey: The date is with Blakely, you fucking idiots. Pacey: Really? Posey: Wait . . . seriously? Silas: Dude, you asked her out? OC: Okay, is it weird that I just got butterflies?

Pacey: Do we need to go over date options? Halsey: No, I’m good. Taking it from here . . . on my own. Posey: Uh, what? Silas: Dude, that’s harsh. You’re just going to cut us out like that? OC: You seriously can’t do that to me. I’ve become invested in this. Eli: It seems like he has a handle on it. Posey: Shut up, Hornsby, no one asked you. Pacey: Eli is right. Posey: Or you, Pacey! OC: Is this how it always is in this group? You reel us in and then hang us out to dry? If so, I don’t think I can handle it. Eli: Nah, we just shift focus. So . . . how are things with Grace, OC? Posey: WHAT? Grace, our trainer? Dude . . . OC: You’re a dick, Hornsby. Silas: And . . . the focus has shifted. Enjoy your date, Holmes. Halsey: Thanks, I will. OC: Uh, I did not sign up for this. How about we talk about Posey and the girl he’s been crushing on? Silas: He’s not crushing on anyone. Pacey: Do you mean his bologna? Eli: Lady Bologna and her mistress mustard. Yup, let’s discuss. OC: He hasn’t told you about his girl? Interesting . . . Silas: Posey, what the hell is he talking about? Eli: If you’re seeing someone, I’m going to set your bologna stash on fire. Pacey: There’s no fucking way. Halsey: Who is she, Posey? Levi Posey has left the conversation. Silas: The motherfucker.

I’m tapped on the arm. I turn around to find a father and daughter duo, both wearing Agitators shirts. The little girl stares up at me with wide eyes. “Are you Halsey Holmes?” I release Blakely’s hand and squat down so I’m eye level with her. “I am,” I say. “What’s your name?” “Annabelle Markey.” I smile and take her hand. “Annabelle, it’s very nice to meet you. I see that you’re an Agitators fan.” I point at her shirt. She nods. “You-you’re my favorite player.” “Am I?” I ask. “That’s such an honor. Thank you. Can I ask why I’m your favorite?” “Because as Daddy says, you leave those sons of bitches in the dust.”

“When we got home, do you know what my initial instinct was?” “What?” she asks. “To call Holden. When you went to your room, I sat and stared at my phone, wondering if I texted him if he’d respond. I wanted to tell him that I took out my dream girl, and how it was so fucking perfect. But I knew he wouldn’t respond.

“A girl can be excited for her friend, but a friend can also be a creepy stalker who won’t stop staring.” “Uh, because I’m in awe,” Penny replies. “I’ve never seen anyone manifest anything as hard as Halsey did. I mean, look at you both. He has his arm wrapped around you, you’re all cuddled in close, you both have smiles on your faces, and there’s a tiny bite mark on your neck that you forgot to cover up.” Blakely presses her hand to her neck. I saw the bite mark before we left and said nothing because I like people to know that she’s taken. “It’s so sweet and so amazing that I’m just sitting here in wonderment. So yeah, I’m going to stare. And Eli is going to stare.” “But I’m not staring.” Penny swats at her man. “Eli, stare.” “Oh, right.” He clears his throat and looks up at us. He knits his brows together as he stares hard. “Dude, she means look at us, not try to blow us up with the force.” Penny glances up at Eli and then smooths out his brow. “Don’t be a creep about it, Eli.” “I don’t know how to stare. This is weird.” “What’s weird is that you’re not as fascinated as I am about this development. You were there for the journey.” She motions to us. “Marvel at the result.” Eli looks between us and Penny, utter confusion written all over him. “I don’t know what to do here. I’m extremely uncomfortable. Do you want me to clap?” “Yes,” I say before Penny can say anything. “Clap for us, Eli.” He lifts his hands above the table, hesitant, only for Penny to swat his hands down...

“I want to know what you want, how you want it, and when you want it. If you desire a valentine’s celebration, it’s yours, baby.” “Oh my God.” Penny clutches her chest. “He calls you baby.” She swats at Eli. “Did you hear that? He calls her baby.” “Ouch,” Eli says, rubbing his arm. “I have ears, Penny.”

The siren sounds off and I leap into the air and silently cheer because Holden is sleeping on Penny’s chest. She lightly chuckles while I sit back down. Whispering, she says, “Your nipples are hard.” “Are they?” I glance down and sure enough, there they are, standing to a point. “Would you look at that, even when we’re not in the same room he can make them hard.”

“Sooo . . .” Penny drags out. “Does that mean you love him?” I nod. “Yeah, I do.” “Oh . . . my . . . God,” she whispers, then closes her eyes. “I still can’t believe we were able to make this happen.” “Are you really taking credit?”

“What are you doing?” I ask. “You’re not sleeping alone, so get comfortable . . . buddy.” “Jesus fuck,” I say as I stand, but Silas gets in front of me. “Where are you going?” “To take a piss,” I shout. “Can I do that?” “I prefer he doesn’t pee the bed,” Eli says. “I prefer that he does,” Silas says with a smirk before I blow past him.

Posey sniffs off to the side, grabbing all of our attention. When he looks around the room, he says, “I think . . . I think there’s something in my eye.” Silas pushes his shoulder. “Just fucking cry if you’re going to cry. Be a goddamn man about it.” “Yeah, look at Halsey. He’s not trying to hide his emotions,” Pacey says. “Or Eli.” “I’m not hiding it,” Posey says as he turns away and wipes at his eyes. “You’re an idiot.” Silas loops his arm over Posey’s shoulders and guides him to the door. “See you downstairs, man.” Pacey offers me a salute.