The Devil Made Me Brew It (The Witches of Wayward Bay)

by Sarah Piper

Then, the ultimate sin: the jerk shows up in my bed, barging in on some much-needed quality time with my emotional support vibrator Mr. Wiggles, who voiced his displeasure by conking out at the worst possible moment. Unforgivable!

“In my defense, it was faerie wine.” I down the last sip, my head swimming pleasantly, money worries fading away. “Someone should’ve warned me.” “Everyone warned you,” says Emmie. “Including both grooms, the entire wedding party, us, the fae bartender, and the waiver you signed before ordering a drink off the ‘special’ menu.”

“But that sounds suspiciously Hallmarky. I can already see the trailer.” “Don’t. For the love of hellfire, do not do the movie announcer voice⁠—” “In a world where magic is real and dreams really do come true⁠—” “I’m serious, Finn. Quit while you’re⁠—” “One witch has a dream bigger than all the rest.” “Are you always this obstinate?” “A burning desire that can only be unlocked by a Prince.” “You’ve missed your calling. Truly.” “But it’s not Prince Charming riding to her rescue this time. It’s… dun dun dun! The Prince of Darkness himself

“A month? Fuck me, Dev. No, that’s not an invitation.” “Fuck yourself, Finn. That is an invitation.”

I summoned the Devil last night. And now he’s here, half-naked on my couch. Petting my cat, which is sadly not a euphemism.

Hey girl! This is your vagina speaking, what is UP? Sorry I’ve been out of touch for the past twelve to thirteen months… I was off looking into early retirement options—I mean, after the whole Brandt debacle, I really thought we were closing down for good this time. But then along comes Mr. Hot, Broody, and British, going at that sandwich like tonguing is an Olympic event, and hell-oooo! I’m baaaack! Pretty sure I speak for both of us when I say it’s high time we climb aboard that D-train and ride it all the way to Pound Town, round-trip on the daily and twice on Sundays, let’s gooo!

“Second orgasms, coming right up!” “I knew you were a fan of multiples. It’s always the quiet ones you have to watch out for.”

“But are you reading a romance novel aloud?” My cheeks flame, and I close the book at once. “Don’t judge me.” “To your cats?” “Why is that a problem?”

“Grumpy and Sunshine love romance novels. Why do you think I named them Grumpy and Sunshine?” “Because one’s an arsehole and the other one’s the furry equivalent of a clown on speed?”

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! says Mr. Wiggles, just going for the gold in there, and Devlin’s somehow keeping a straight face.

“It’s haunted. Okay? Now go back to the couch and pretend this was all a dream.” “Your vibrator is haunted?” Devlin stares at the buzzing drawer. Then at me. Tries desperately, desperately not to laugh again, which, okay, I give him at least ten points for trying.

“Does it frighten you?” “What? No way. Mr. Wiggles is the sweetest, most hard-working⁠—” “I’m sorry, did you say… Mr. Wiggles?” Oh, fuck… I did say that. Batting a thousand tonight, girl. Truly. “That’s his name,” I say defensively. “The ghost, or the toy?” “The toy. The haunted part isn’t a ghost, per se. That would be creepy.” “Right. Of course. When discussing haunted vibrators, the last thing we want is for things to get creepy.”

“I’m serious. I will not be locked in a drawer like your haunted battery-operated boyfriends. I have feelings, Violet. Real feelings. Also, we’re stuck together. Remember? Where you go, I go.”

“What a clever pattern, Devlin. They look like little snakes wearing halos.” “Put your glasses on, Jos.” Lorelei laughs. “Those aren’t snakes. They’re dicks with cock rings in the end.” “Very astute, Lorelei. I’m making a tea cozy.”

“You are so full of cow shit, I’m surprised you’re not mooing.”

“Always. Surely you can’t think I’ve got a septuagenarian witch fetish.” “Actually, I did think that. The first meeting, when Aunt Jos kept hitting on you and you were all, ‘Oh, I’ll take you on a few dates, Joslyn. I’ll be your escort, Joslyn. Unpaid, of course, as I’m no longer in that line of work, but I’ll happily bone you for free because I’m such a stellar gent!”