More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Moments before the pain in my lungs exploded and everything went dark, I saw it. A halo of light. An orb of pure sunshine. Her. I saw her. And that’s when I knew. That’s when I knew…
“You’re my favorite person in the whole wide world, and I would swap everyone for you. Even Hugh.”
“When they said someone had been saved from the water. I prayed for it to be you.” He choked out a sob and turned to look at me. “You d-did?” I nodded. “I promised God I would do all the good things in the world if he brought you back.” I beamed at him. “And he listened.”
“But your hugs feel like sunshine.” “Like sunshine?” I frowned in confusion. “How?” “Because you are sunshine, silly,”
“What’s the hots?” I asked them. “It’s when two people want to hold hands with each other and spend all of lunchtime playing together. Just the two of them,”
“So just…please don’t go, okay?” “I’ll never go, Gerard,” I replied, shifting closer so that our shoulders were touching. That was what happened when I was with Gerard. I wanted my hand to touch his hand all the time. Or my shoulder. Or my toes. I never wanted him to step back or leave. I just wanted him to stay right beside me. Even when he was super sad. “I’ll never leave you.”
“I can’t lose another person I love.” “You love me?” He nodded sadly as another tear trickled down his cheek. “I love you most of all.”
“I don’t see anyone.” His lips tipped up in the smallest of smiles before he added, “Except for you.”
“I like your face when you do that,” I told him, reaching up to touch the hole that appeared in his cheek when he smiled. “Do what?” “Smile,” I explained. “It makes my tummy wobble.” “Wobble?” “Uh-huh.” Nodding eagerly, I snickered when it happened again. “Like jiggly jelly.”
“Hey, Gerard?” “Yeah, Claire?” “You’re still holding my hand.” “I know.” A shiver rolled through him, and he tightened his hold on my hand. “Sorry. It’s just…holding your hand makes me feel better.” “It does?” “Yeah.” He watched me cautiously. “Is that okay?” “Yep.” I beamed at him. “You can hold my hand forever.” “You promise?” “Uh-huh.” I yawned, feeling sleepy. “I promise.”
Claire Biggs had a lot of things. My back. My attention. My heart. My soul. Yeah, she had all of me and that wasn’t an exaggeration.
She was the nicotine I couldn’t walk away from. The crutch I hadn’t learned to walk without.
Why be fucked-up Gerard when I could be Gibsie the fuckup? It couldn’t hurt when I was Gibsie, because Gibsie was my armor, and humor was my sword.
Oh Gibs 💔💔💔
There was only one person in my life that still saw me as, well, me. Only one person who refused to let go of the version of me from the past. The girl with her arms around me. My girl.
If I could sew this girl to my skin without causing her an ounce of harm, then I would do it in a heartbeat. That’s how vital she was to my life. How essential she was to my existence. If drugs were to Joey Lynch what Claire Biggs was to me, then there was no amount of rehab that could sway me to kick the habit. Because she was the habit of my lifetime.
I never forgot the spark. The ping. The ignited buzz that throttled my chest and caused my skin to grow hot and cold and warm and tingly all at once. It had only happened one time with one girl. She did something to me that day, gave me a sort of comfort only a person in my position could understand. I felt something. I felt for her. I enjoyed it. Her touch was welcome and wanted and wonderful. After that, I tried to forget about it for the sake of my friendship with Hugh, but I never could. Forgetting Claire wasn’t something I was capable of doing and he knew it.
Any form of intimacy I could conjure up, I wanted to both give and have with her. Just her. Because I cared about the girl. I cared to the point where she distracted my day. I cared when her cat was sick. I cared when she cried. I cared when her mam ran out of her favorite brand of cereal, and she had to eat porridge. I cared so fucking much it was hard to find where she started and I ended.
From as far back as I could remember, my mind had always been very clear about three things. One: Hugh was my brother. Two: Bethany was my sister. Three: Claire was mine.
I wanted the future I joked about with her. I wanted everything with her. Problem was, I didn’t trust the person I was. I was too fucking scared of becoming what had ruined me. Of abusing her love and breaking her heart. Because once we crossed that line, things would never be the same again. We couldn’t come back from it. And I needed the guarantee that I wouldn’t wreck it. That I wouldn’t be reckless with her heart. That I could love her the right way. Because I loved this girl. With every fiber of my being. With every beat of my poor defective heart. I loved her fiercely, solely,
...more
“Night, Gerard… Love you.” “I love you, too,” I whispered, feeling the familiar jolt of adrenaline rocket through my veins when those words spilled from her lips. Claire meant it when she told me that she loved me. That was the first of two things in life I was sure of, and I meant it right back. That was the second thing I was sure of. If I knew nothing else in this world, then I knew that I loved Claire Biggs. More than she could ever know.
Biting down on my lip with sheer delight, I gripped his forearms for dear life when he began to swing me around in circles. “Oh my god,” I squealed, feeling safer in this boy’s arms than anywhere else on earth. “Please don’t let go.” “Never,” he vowed. “Not in a million years.”
Some of the best things in life aren’t meant to last forever. That’s why we cherish them when they happen. Like your favorite chocolate in a box. Or shooting stars. We don’t refuse to eat the sweet because once we do, it’ll be gone, or stop looking at the stars after one shoots by. We enjoy the moment because we know it’s worth living in.”
We had so much fun when we were together, but when we were with our friends, he was Gibsie. When he was with me, he was Gerard. I liked to think of them as two different people. Two very different boys. I loved them both with every fiber of my being. Sometimes I wished I didn’t feel the way I did, but you can’t change the heart’s direction once it sets sight on its destination. And my heart’s destination was hell-bent toward melding with his. Toward entwining with his and never breaking free again.
Because this boy had always been my favorite boy. My favorite friend, person, human, everything.
Even when we were little, and even though he despised it, he would humor me by playing Barbies with me. Sure, he would bring along his action figures and cause as much destruction as possible to my Barbie house, but he still played with me. It never bothered him when his other friends laughed at him for playing with a girl, and he never ignored me. Not one single time in sixteen years.
He always made me feel like I was his first priority. His number one friend. From Gerard Gibson, I had been given the friendship of a lifetime that consisted of humor, loyalty, comfort, and affection.
“How’s my little diesel generator?” He slung one big arm over my shoulders and pulled me into his side. “No need to ask if you slept well.” “Me?” I laughed, digging his ribs. “Gerard, you snore so loud it’s like a cement mixer going off in bed.” “Nah, babe, that’s yourself you’re hearing.”
😅😅😅
“I’ll give you all my weekends, Claire Biggs,” His hand reached for mine, fingers entwining in that familiar way I treasured. “I’ll give you my weekdays, too.”
“Why do you do it?” “Hmm?” I mused, still nuzzling his cheek with mine. “Do what?” Gerard turning his hand over, palm up, and entwined his fingers with mine. “Waste your time on me?” “For two reasons,” I explained, feeling my heart beat harder. “First, because I happen to believe that no time is ever wasted when I’m with you.” My cheek grazed his temple as I spoke. “And second, you’re my favorite person in the whole world. There’s no one I would rather spend my time with.”
“You’re so beautiful,” I admitted because one, I had a problem keeping my mouth shut, and second, it was the truth. I’d never seen anything like her. “I swear you shine even in the darkness.”
“But when I’m with you, I feel like I have my thinking cap on.” Pondering, I folded one arm behind my head as I tried to form sentences out of my wandering thoughts. “You’re the only person who can hold my attention. It shifts and wanders off on just about everyone else. But not you. Never you.”
“You already know this.” “Maybe, but it’s nice to hear you say it.” I thought about her words for a long moment before saying, “I love you, Claire.” “I love you, too, Gerard.” A shiver racked through her. “A lot.”
“But the fact that Shan and the boys are here today, still standing, still breathing? It’s a miracle in itself. As for Joey? He’s a force to be reckoned with. I’ve never seen a more resilient human in my life. Yeah, he’ll always be an addict, but he’s got a family in there worth staying sober for. A girl and a baby that not only would he fight to the death for, but that he also wants to live for. So, fuck guarantees and don’t bet against him. He’ll forge an epic future for Aoife and AJ, just like he forged a future for his siblings.”
“I might not be smooth like the rest of ye, or a fucking mathematician like Brains over there,” I paused to point at Johnny, “but I have a heart that pumps and beats and grows feelings. I care. I feel. I love. And all of it is solely directed toward your sister.”
“Because you don’t love me the right way,” she whispered, leaning into my touch. “The way I need you to love me.” She reached up and covered my hands with hers. “The way I love you.” If I thought my heart was breaking earlier, it fucking shattered in my chest when I heard her vulnerability.
“I do,” I replied, roughly clearing my throat. “I love you in so many ways.” “Then why?” she slurred. “Why won’t you just kiss me?” Because I’m terrified. “Claire.”
I could feel my heart accelerate to a thousand beats a minute, because while I might be cradling her face in my hand, she was holding my life in hers.
“Despite my best efforts, I’ve grown regrettably attached to you.” Smirking, he added, “And all of your sixteen other personalities.” “Aw, shucks.” I grinned back at him. “Is this your way of telling me you love me, Cap?” “Whatever floats your boat, Gibs.”
“I want you to talk to me about how you’re feeling! I want you to open up to me, dammit!” “I can’t.” Devastation washed over me like a tidal wave. “Why not?” “Because I love you too much!” he surprised me by saying. Expelling a pained breath, he dropped his head to rest on my shoulder. “Because I fucking love you, Claire Biggs.”
“When you and Shannon were together,” I repeated, rubbing the back of my head. “Was it different?” Johnny nodded. “It couldn’t have been any more different.” “Really?” “Yeah, lad, really,” he replied. “Feelings change everything.”
Shannon had been born to be a Kavanagh.
“A woman should always have a bit of edge about her.” “Not this woman,” I chimed in, gesturing to myself. “I’m a glorified circle.”
⭕️
“I didn’t choose any of this, okay? I was born and there you were, and I had these feelings. And they grew, Claire,” he roared, stalked toward me. “Holy shit did they grow!” Looking more furious than I’d seen him in years, he hooked an arm around my waist and pulled me roughly against him. “Like neon fucking lit-up boomerang feelings that keep coming back no matter how far I push them away!”
It was the strangest, most perfect, most real and right feeling ever. I never wanted anything more in my life than this boy and all he could give me. He was too much and not enough all at once.
“I am so fucking scared of breaking this,” he surprised me by saying. “Of wrecking what we have.” He shook his head and exhaled a pained breath before saying, “I could sit on the fence for the rest of my life and still be nervous.”
“I’m in,” I heard myself tell her, and never in my life had I spoken more truth than I had in those two words. “I’m in, Claire Biggs.”
“Time can’t heal when it doesn’t pass by.”
She pushed the door wide open and there he was, standing in his tux, with a yellow corsage in hand. And not just any flower. “You got me a Midas Touch rose?” His gray eyes locked on mine, and he offered me an uncertain shrug. “Andie Anderson yellow, right?”
🌼🌼🌼
Being with him felt effortless because it felt so natural. Like this is what I was supposed to do. These lips were the ones my lips had been waiting for and no other lips would do. These hands were the ones my body accepted without question or doubt. This boy was the boy. The boy my heart had been created to beat for. The boy I was made to love. It was effortless.
“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, and I love the fucking bones of you, ya mad eejit.” He choked out a pained laugh. “And if you think this is going to chase me off, then you’ve another thing coming, fucker, because I’m never leaving you. Do ya hear me? Because you’re my Gibs.” “And you’re my Kav.”
😭😭😭
