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“When they said someone had been saved from the water. I prayed for it to be you.”
“I don’t see anyone.” His lips tipped up in the smallest of smiles before he added, “Except for you.”
I didn’t have to open my eyes to know that I had somehow managed to sleepwalk into her bedroom. Again. It was the only place my legs ever took me. It was the only place I could breathe.
Claire Biggs had a lot of things. My back. My attention. My heart. My soul.
She was the nicotine I couldn’t walk away from. The crutch I hadn’t learned to walk without.
I was naturally self-deprecating, never purposefully cruel, and my attitude made people laugh. My mouth spurted shit at the expense of my own character, like a cloak of self-sabotaging protection.
If I could sew this girl to my skin without causing her an ounce of harm, then I would do it in a heartbeat. That’s how vital she was to my life. How essential she was to my existence.
can you fuckin imagine a man saying this about you
If drugs were to Joey Lynch what Claire Biggs was to me, then there was no amount of rehab that could sway me to kick the habit. Because she was the habit of my lifetime.
Forgetting Claire wasn’t something I was capable of doing and he knew it. Any form of intimacy I could conjure up, I wanted to both give and have with her. Just her.
After the accident, once I learned how fickle life could be, how quickly a person you loved could be snatched away, it caused the feelings I had for Claire to deepen rapidly, growing wilder and stronger with every day that passed, spreading in intricate, permanent patterns around my heart like ivy.
“It’s all about priorities, babe.” “And I’m yours?” I teased. “Always,” he confirmed sleepily, tightening his hold on my waist. Jesus.
“Yeah, but you’re not just friends with Gibs,” he argued. “You’re in love with him.” “So?” I’d given up denying it a long time ago. Besides, I was a terrible liar. “What’s your point?” “My point is that you’re not damaged,” he urged, tone laced with sincerity. “And I don’t want that to change.”
Because Lizzie affected Hugh badly, and she always had. For some reason, my brother had been infatuated with my prickly bestie since the beginning of time. And for some even stranger reason, the feeling had been mutual for Lizzie.
I gripped his forearms for dear life when he began to swing me around in circles. “Oh my god,” I squealed, feeling safer in this boy’s arms than anywhere else on earth. “Please don’t let go.” “Never,” he vowed. “Not in a million years.”
Some of the best things in life aren’t meant to last forever. That’s why we cherish them when they happen. Like your favorite chocolate in a box. Or shooting stars. We don’t refuse to eat the sweet because once we do, it’ll be gone, or stop looking at the stars after one shoots by. We enjoy the moment because we know it’s worth living in.”
“I’m fine.” “Yeah,” he snorted. “What’s that saying for the word ‘fine,’ babe?” “Fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional.”
Which brought me to my person. Gerard was bristling with a mischievous sort of energy that emanated from him in waves. It was as enticing as it was addictive. He was the type of boy you wanted to spend all your time with, regardless of the consequences because it was instant, delayed, and prolonged gratification combined.
he had a tattoo on his left rib cage with the word Resilience in italic font that was decorated with a feather in black, and then a tiny Care Bear on his right hipbone.
Claire bear
She was so fucking beautiful that it made my chest ache. Honest to God, looking at this girl for too long caused a physical ache to develop in my rib cage. Even the back of her head. That was all I could see from my current viewpoint, and still, my heart bucked wildly in response.
“I promise,” Aoife replied, though she had to clear her throat several times before adding, “Today is another good day, Ols.” I was quite certain that I felt my heart crack in my chest. This wasn’t an everyday conversation that I was listening to. This orphan child was asking for reassurance that his heroin-addicted brother was still clean.
Ugh
I guess that’s what true love was, though. It wasn’t perfect. It didn’t come in the perfect gift-wrapped box. It was messy and raw and pushed you to your absolute limits.
“You know, I think I’d love a daughter.” He scratched his jaw as he spoke. “I’d be delighted with sons, too, of course, but I’d love to raise a little girl with Shan.” Shrugging, he added, “You know, show her how different it should’ve been for her.”
Love him
“And he’s not in love with my sister, either,” Hugh interjected. “He just thinks he is.” “Don’t you start,” I warned, turning to glare at Hugh. “I might not be smooth like the rest of ye, or a fucking mathematician like Brains over there,” I paused to point at Johnny, “but I have a heart that pumps and beats and grows feelings. I care. I feel. I love. And all of it is solely directed toward your sister.”
“And I’ll have you know that I would never do anything to hurt your sister. I would rather peel the skin off my bones first.”
Seriously, I had learned more about sex in the last few weeks I’d spent hanging out with Joey’s baby mama than I had in my entire sixteen years on earth.
Aoife a freaaaak
“Because you don’t love me the right way,” she whispered, leaning into my touch. “The way I need you to love me.” She reached up and covered my hands with hers. “The way I love you.” If I thought my heart was breaking earlier, it fucking shattered in my chest when I heard her vulnerability.
“No,” Lizzie countered heatedly. “What would be going too far is telling him that Peter Biggs saved the wrong child from the wat—”
Bitch
Returning to the couch with his mug, he sank down on it next to Lizzie and stirred his coffee with a ferocity that assured the rest of us that he was privately battling another craving. It wasn’t nice to know that Joey ached so badly on the inside, to witness him battling the demon of addiction that almost destroyed him, but it was incredibly fortifying to see him kicking said demon’s ass daily and coming out on top.
If I had a shred of anything about me, I would open my mouth and talk to this girl. Tell her how I felt. Show her how highly I valued her as a human. Love her the right way. Switchfoot’s “Only Hope” was as accurate as a song could be if I had to explain my feelings for her, but I would never play it for her.
I felt incredibly exposed and vulnerable. But I liked it. I wanted to be vulnerable with him. I wanted him to have me, I realized. “Gerard.”
“You’re such a fool.” Lizzie shook her head. “He’s going to ruin you.”
Stfu
“I know you paid off my drug debt.” Clear-eyed and sober, Joey stared right at me. “I owe you a lot more than this.” “You don’t owe me anything, lad,” I replied, feeling weirdly emotional.
“You could have come to me,” Hugh repeated, eyes locked on hers in what felt like a blazing stare-down. “You can always come to me.”
Gerard’s love for me wasn’t something I ever needed to question. It was his unwillingness to offer me more that plagued my every waking hour.
“You had your chance, lad. You let her go.” “I didn’t let her go,” I argued, coming as close as I ever had to blowing a head gasket. “I’ve never let her go a day in my fucking life.”
“You haven’t asked the girl out yet?” When I shook my head in response, she looked at me like I was sporting flowers out of my ears. “Why in the name of God not?”
To anyone else, it might look like she was staring into his eyes with loving affection, and hell maybe she was, but I had a feeling that she was checking for something. His sobriety.
My parents had loved each other since childhood, and Mam continued to love Dad even when he didn’t have the strength to love himself.
“I know you’re better off without me, Claire. Okay? I know that.” Releasing a shaky breath, he held his hands up and shrugged helplessly. “But I also know I’m not better off without you.” He raised his hands in a helpless motion. “Not better off one bit.”
“Oh my god,” I cried out, beyond confused. “I never know where I stand with you.” “In front,” came his quick response. “On top. Number one. Fucking always, Claire.”
Kissing him felt like I had suddenly remembered the answer to a question that had been tormenting me for hours.
“I am so fucking scared of breaking this,” he surprised me by saying. “Of wrecking what we have.” He shook his head and exhaled a pained breath before saying, “I could sit on the fence for the rest of my life and still be nervous.”
The minute Mark landed on Lizzie, she started to scream, and it was the worst, scariest, most feral noise I’d ever heard. “Get the fuck off her,” Gerard roared, momentarily calling a truce with his longtime nemesis as he rushed to her aid.
“Because I want to end up with her, Dad.” I sighed heavily. “I really love her, Dad, and I want to tell her, but I’m so fucking scared of her walking away from me.” I hung my head in shame. “I feel like I’m wrong on the inside.” A shudder racked through me. “Like I’m infected.”
Still, no matter the path I took, whether it was my body, heart, or mind in the driving seat, I always ended up at her door. That had to mean something. It had to be a sign.
“If Caoimhe was here, I would tell her that what happened to her doesn’t define her.” Darren looked me dead in the eyes when he said, “It defines him. He’s the monster in the story. The shame is on his doorstep.” He reached up and stroked his jaw before saying, “And I would tell her that it’s never too late to disclose.” His eyes burned with sincerity. “Never.”
“From here on out, I will follow you anywhere.” My heart leapt in my chest. “What do you mean?” “I mean it’s yours,” he ground out hoarsely. “Whatever you want from me. It’s yours, Claire.”
This time, when he reached for my hand, it felt distinctively different than all the other times. It felt more important. It felt like I was being seen and my feelings were being validated. It felt like forever.
“I’ve never felt safe around boys or men,” Shannon admitted, brow furrowing as she spoke. “For obvious reasons.” I winced. “Yeah.” “But I feel safe around Gibs,” she told me. “Aside from Johnny, he’s the only other boy whose hands I would willingly put my life in.”
Please don’t let there be more to come. I just want him, God. Let me keep him.
