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For all the girls whose daddies broke their hearts before any boy ever had a chance to…
My father always said that people are paper and memories are ink.
I had nothing against my assistant. In the same way I had nothing against people who wore Crocs. Just because I found them fundamentally tasteless did not mean they did not deserve to breathe. Or so society insisted.
Actually, it’s you, too. For being my mental clone. I already have sex with myself. It’s called masturbation.
There was nothing more dangerous in this world than a smart woman.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then I’ve got news for you. My personality will only deteriorate from here on out.”
Normally, I jerked off for the sole purpose of healthy sperm circulation. Not to fantasize over Farrow’s lips rolling down my shaft.
“People sue companies every day. If they can find a reason to sue a diaper company, what makes you think they can’t find a good reason to piss on a site where anyone can say they’re over eighteen and create pornographic content?”
a reformed psychopath and a fuckboy with more mileage than a used car.
“Laugh again,” I ordered. Her delicate brows crashed together. “Make me, then.” “Impossible. I have no sense of humor.” “Develop one.”
I’d forgotten rule number one in life: never expect anything from anyone. It only leads to disappointment.
There are prisons easier to escape than this group chat.
What does reading have to do with anything? I’m talking about porn.
“Kittens are a generic choice. Bunnies belong in Hugh Hefner’s mansion.”
and had mistaken LGBT for Let’s Get Boba Tea.
“You get turned on every time you see The Scream.”
A trip to Aldi and a fentanyl overdose?”
Here was the thing about loneliness—there’s no such thing as a loner. Only someone who has tried to give others a chance and ended up thoroughly disappointed.
“Nice ego. Do they make you pay extra for overweight luggage when you travel?”
he no longer looks like life is pushing lemons into his rectum, two at a time, twenty-four hours a day.”
“As I said before, von Bismarck, I won’t be intimidated by a fat bank account and the mediocre dick it’s compensating for.”
“Yet, you ran away.” “Bitch, I drove.
“And because I have the emotional palate of a Veggie Straw.”
“To have some fun.” Dallas tipped her cowgirl hat and winked at him, all good vibes. “It’s this thing where you laugh and have a good time and don’t plot the mass murder of people you disagree with. Look it up on Google. I swear it exists.”
“Now go ooga-booga in front of someone else.”
Not every girl wants a dress to feel pretty. Some dazzle with combat boots and a sword.
credit cards are not a cocktail dress. You can’t borrow them.”
The last thing your criminal record needs is you jumping out of places completely naked.
Much to my horror, you could set the entire world aflame and I’d hold your fucking earrings and cheer you on from the sidelines.
I knew I should’ve stayed in bed with hot cocoa and my Kindle.
drinking before nine a.m. made me a pirate not an alcoholic
Being angry isn’t a bad thing. It means you’ve accepted that you deserve more.
Frankie, whom I considered as reliable as the pull-out method.
