The Quit List

by Katie Bailey

My eyes land on a familiar brunette among the dining crowd. It’s hard not to recognize her, honestly. She’s here every single Saturday night, always with a different guy, and always wearing a look of concern on her face, like she’s not quite sure how she got here.

“I can honestly say that I’d never seen a truly terrible date until tonight.” Jax lifts his gray eyes to meet mine. “At that point, it wasn’t so much ‘job description’ as much as it was ‘humanitarian obligation.’”

“No” is my favorite complete sentence, and in my opinion, people don’t utilize it enough.

We’ve been renting this place together for the past three years, but our lease is up in the summer and she’s been talking about moving in with Alec, her ER Doctor in Shining Armor. Which makes sense—they’re getting married soon.

Dylan wasn’t only my boss… back in college, he was my boyfriend.

We broke up when he graduated, Dylan tearfully citing a promise that “it just wasn't our time, but one day, we would find a way to be together, for real.”

When at first you don’t succeed… do better.

I stare at him. “Rick Astley… the singer.” “That’s the one.” “Like, one-hit-wonder, never going to give you up or let you down, Rick Astley.”

“Find a man who wrecks your lipstick, not your mascara, am I right?” Jax smirks. “I always heard ‘break her bed, not her heart.’”

“No, he’s Superman.” I slide back onto my stool, pen in hand. “Maybe that should be the new first thing on my list: If you’re not Superman, take a hike!”

There might also be a part of me that weirdly almost… wants her to know this dream of mine. For no real reason at all.

I frown. “I want to quit wasting my time on someone who would never love me back, quit letting my life pass me by, and quit being afraid to step out of my comfort zone.”

“I… I want sparks. Fireworks. Adventures.” I swallow. “Romance that makes me feel like I’m on a rollercoaster, but with someone safe next to me, holding my hand.” I say this all in a burst, then press my lips together, surprised by my own admission.

“That’s it, Hol. You need to find someone to complement you, not complete you. You’re already a whole person all on your own, but to find your equal partner, you first need to pursue who you are and what you want in life. Find what brings you joy and makes you happy, and then find a person to share all that with you and even add to it.”

My hit list may not be watertight, but I have to face the literal facts: Jax doesn’t want marriage, or kids, or even to settle down, anytime in his future. And I’m not going to make the same mistake of developing feelings for a guy who can never love me back the way I want to be loved, all because I’m being dumb enough to think that the other person might change their mind.

The only way I’ll stay ahead with Jax is to remember that he’s my dating coach, and keep said dating coach firmly in the friend zone.

A tent that I will be staying well away from. Because, well, maybe I like her. Maybe a little too much. But I also know what she’s searching for and it ain’t me.

I, on the other hand, feel strangely sour for an entirely different reason. Namely, a certain situation that is currently taking place at the other end of the restaurant.

Because, yes. I like Holly. A lot. That much is clear to me—I’m not in complete denial of how I feel when I’m around her.

Holly wants long-term. She wants love and commitment. And I, above all else, want her to be happy. Even if the thought of her finding happiness with someone else is starting to give me a stomachache. So when I try to say no, it’s not Holly…. I can’t.

“I think that, up until now, you’ve only ever dated boys. And that right now, you’re wondering what it would feel like to actually be kissed by a man.”

In a few short weeks of knowing her, Holly Greene has become the first person I think about when I wake up in the morning, the laughter that keeps me going through my day, and the person I crave when I go to bed at night alone.

“You want to find a man who kisses you like he’s going to move heaven and earth for you. Bring down the sun, moon and stars. You deserve to be kissed like that, and you shouldn't settle for less.”

Avoiding feelings like this. I grew up with such a twisted idea of what love looks like—that it hurts, no matter if you stay or leave. There’s no winning.

“I won’t,” I tell him, puffing out my chest with mock bravado. “I’ve got this. I’ll crawl there if I have to, but either way, I’m doing this.” He leans down and tucks a stray, damp lock of hair behind my ear. “That’s my girl.”

“I think I want another lesson,” I manage to choke out. “And who do you want that lesson from?” “You,” I practically whimper. “Good girl,” he says with a smile, and then, his lips meet mine.

Because now that I’ve had her out here with me, the thought of returning here alone, without her, feels… strange.

lines of what she was looking for. Finding someone like him was always part of her plan. And my plan was always to be alone. But plans can change, can’t they?

And while I may have no idea how to be everything she wants and needs, I’m going to try my damndest.

Because I’ll give her anything she wants. Happily.

Everything I never knew I wanted. Everything I never knew I needed.

I realize with startling clarity that I already know how I’m going to do this. Because, when it comes to Holly, I no longer want to be the temporary distraction. I can’t bear even the hint of a thought of another man with Holly. Another man holding her, kissing her, touching her… It makes me want to lose my damned mind. I want to be the real deal for her. Everything else comes second.

I miss her presence—her laughter filling this cabin, her smile lighting up the evening darkness—and this feels like an incomplete moment without her by my side, soaking it in with me.

all I want to do is tell Holly face to face that I’m the one who misses her.

Show her that I’m serious about making this work. That I don’t want to just fit a relationship around my life plans, but have my life plans fit around her. Us at the center, together.

“You drove three hours back to the city in the middle of the night because Rick begged you to?” “Sure, let’s go with that.”

“Let’s go with that and not that I was so happy to talk to you again. That when you texted me, it made me miss you so much that I had to come see you tonight. Even if it was just to quickly say good night.”

“I’m not great with feelings, but I need you to know that you mean the world to me, Holly.”

“I spent all this time helping you tackle your quit list, but it turns out, I can’t quit you, Holly. And what’s more, I don’t think I want to. I know I don’t want to. I want to be here for you, through everything.”

Funny how I used to always say no, but all she makes me want to do is say yes to her. Anything she wants, ever, I’m there.

Holly has lived out her quit list and moved on. With me. End of story.

That’s the kind of love I want, and the kind of love I have with Holly. Selfless. Putting the other person first.

Find someone to complement you, not complete you.

“I realized I couldn’t leave today without first telling you that… I love you. I’m in love with everything that makes you who you are, Holly Greene.”

“The perfect man still doesn’t exist, Hollywood, so I can’t promise perfect. But what I can promise is to be your partner. Your co-pilot. Your equal. To choose you, every single day, always.”

Our relationship isn’t perfect—because, as Jax says, perfect in itself doesn’t exist—but it’s perfect for us, because we’re perfect for each other. And that’s what matters.

“Which was a good thing. Because turning back was never an option. I only want to move forward with you, Holly. Forever.”

“I told you once to find a man who kisses you like he’s going to move heaven and earth for you. Bring down the sun, moon and stars. But what I didn’t tell you is to find a man who also loves you like that. Who wakes up every day in your corner. Who’ll do anything for you, go to the ends of the earth for you.”