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There was a big brown one and a small white one. Hugh said that Gerard’s daddy, Joe, was in the big brown one, and his sister, Bethany, was in the little white one.
“Hi,” I mouthed, waving at him. His eyes looked so sad, and his cheeks were streaked with tears, but he raised his hand and waved back at me. “Hi.” My heart started to beat super-fast, like I had been running a race, and my belly flip-flopped like a pancake in a frying pan.
“I prayed for it to be you,” I said quickly, needing to tell him all the things that I had saved up in my head since the boat. Since the drowning. When they said someone had been saved from the water. “I prayed for it to be you.” He choked out a sob and turned to look at me. “You d-did?” I nodded. “I promised God I would do all the good things in the world if he brought you back.” I beamed at him. “And he listened.”
“Claire, come back to us, please,” Daddy interrupted, catching up with us and placing a hand on my shoulder. “You can’t be with Gerard right now.” I opened my mouth to complain, but Gerard answered for me. “Please don’t take her away from me.”
“What about me?” he whispered, as a lone tear trickled down his cheek. “Who’ll keep me safe?” “I will, silly,” I replied, releasing his hand so that I could give him a hug. “I’ll keep you safe, Gerard.”
“Hey, Gerard?” “Yeah, Claire?” “Do you need time?” “Time for what?” “I don’t know.” I shrugged and readjusted the knot holding my cardigan to my waist. “Caoimhe said that you need lots of time and that we’re to leave you alone.” “No, no, don’t go,” he blurted out, snatching up my hand in his. “Okay?” “I wasn’t going anywhere, silly,” I chuckled, staring down at how his hand made my hand look super tiny. “I would never leave you, Gerard.”
“I mean it,” he urged, turning to look at me now. “I can’t lose another person I love.” “You love me?” He nodded sadly, as another tear trickled down his check. “I love you most of all.” I beamed up at him. “Even more than Hugh?” He scrunched his nose up in disgust. “I don’t love Hugh.” “Even more than Patrick?” “I don’t love Feely, either.” “You don’t?” “Just you.”
Gerard, if you ever get super sad, I can be your sister, too. Hugh won’t mind sharing.” “You can’t be my sister, Claire.” “Why not?” “Because you can’t have the hots for your sister.” “You’ve got the hots for me?” My tummy flipped like a pancake again. “Not Lizzie? Because I heard Hugh say that she’s super pretty once.” “Lizzie? Ugh. No way,” he grumbled, lip curling up in disapproval. “I don’t see Lizzie.” “You don’t?” “I don’t see anyone.” His lips tipped up in the smallest of smiles before he added, “Except for you.”
“I can’t breathe,” Gerard strangled out, turning to look at me, gray eyes wild with panic, as he began to suck in deep, sharp gulps of air. “I can’t breathe, Claire.” My eyes widened in horror. “You can’t?” He shook his head, looking terrified. “I’m drowning.” “You’re drowning?” Yelping out a startled cry, I sprang to my feet and pulled him with me. “It’s okay, Gerard. You just have to open your mouth and let the air go in.”
“No, don’t l-let g-go of my h-hand!” “I won’t, Gerard.”
teardrops
“I like your face when you do that,” I told him, reaching up to touch the hole that appeared in his cheek when he smiled. “Do what?” “Smile,” I explained. “It makes my tummy wobble.” “Wobble?” “Uh-huh.” Nodding eagerly, I snickered when it happened again. “Like jiggly jelly.” “Huh.” Gerard’s brows furrowed together, and he looked like he was concentrating super hard. “It’s the same for me.” “Hey, Gerard?” “Yeah, Claire?” “You’re still holding my hand.” “I know.” A shiver rolled through him, and he tightened his hold on my hand. “Sorry. It’s just … holding your hand makes me feel better.” “It
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Claire Biggs had a lot of things. My back. My attention. My heart. My soul. Yeah, she had all of me and that wasn’t an exaggeration.
There was only one person in my life that still saw me as, well, me. Only one person who refused to let go of the version of me from the past. The girl with her arms around me. My girl.
Any form of intimacy I could conjure up, I wanted to both give and have with her. Just her. Because I cared about the girl. I cared to the point where she distracted my day. I cared when her cat was sick. I cared when she cried. I cared when her mam ran out of her favorite brand of cereal, and she had to eat porridge. I cared so fucking much it was hard to find where she started and I ended. I knew her favorite song every year since August 7th 1989. I knew her secrets, her little habits, and traits that nobody else noticed. I wanted to waste my time on her. All of my time. All of the time.
From as far back as I could remember, my mind had always been very clear about three things. One: Hugh was my brother. Two: Bethany was my sister. Three: Claire was mine.
The girl was everything to me and that wasn’t me being dramatic. It was a fact. The thought of letting her down made me feel physically sick. The thought of any form of harm coming to her, be it emotional or physical, made me feel homicidal.
Hugh didn’t want me near his sister for all the reasons he didn’t need to worry about. Because, as sure as there was a cat in county Cork, I would never cause harm to Claire Biggs. She was too important to me. She was everything to me.
I wanted the future I joked about with her. I wanted everything with her.
“Night, Gerard … Love you.” “I love you, too,” I whispered, feeling the familiar jolt of adrenalin rocket through my veins when those words spilled from her lips.
“Snuggling my Claire-Bear equals a happy Gibsie. Running laps on the treadmill until I puke equals a very unhappy Gibsie.” The feel of his big body pressed to mine set loose what felt like a cage of wild butterflies in my chest. “It’s all about priorities, babe.” “And I’m yours?” I teased. “Always,” he confirmed sleepily, tightening his hold on my waist. Jesus.
It was fair to say that Gerard Gibson was all man now, and that piece of knowledge caused something to stir inside of me. I liked it, I realized – maybe even more than liked it.
Completely aligned, with my back to his chest, Gerard buried his face in my neck and inhaled deeply before whispering the words, “Stay with me,” in my ear. Oh God.
Gibsie belonged to the rest of the world. Gerard belonged just to me.
“Good luck with your interview, Claire-Bear.” Gerard pressed a featherlight kiss to my cheek before toeing on my at-least-five-sizes-too-small slippers.
“Whatever you say, lad. See you later for the beach trip, baby mama.” Snickering, I held up a hand and waved at his retreating frame. “See you later, baby daddy.” “Why do that?” Hugh demanded, tone resigned. “Why encourage the crazy?” “Because I love his crazy.” I laughed, still grinning from ear to ear. “And so do you.”
“Two words, Claire,” he shot back, “Joey and Aoife.” “That’s three words.” “Fine,” he countered,
“Yeah, but you’re not just friends with Gibs,” he argued. “You’re in love with him.”
“And you’re sure you don’t want to ask one of the boys to check it for you?” I asked in a much calmer tone than I was feeling. “You wouldn’t feel more comfortable with Hugh or Johnny, or—” “No,” he choked out. “Jesus no. It can only be you.” “Okay.” He looked at me uncertainly. “Okay?” “Okay,” I confirmed with a determined nod. Climbing off the bed, I dropped to my knees in front him and reached for the waist of his shorts. “I’m ready.” “Wait, wait, wait,” he choked out, batting my hands away as he squirmed in discomfort, “I’ve changed my mind.” “Gerard, come on, don’t be a baby. You’re in
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“Gibs, I’d let my ma adopt the whole bleeding school if it meant that I got to keep that girl.” “Little Shannon, huh?” I grinned. “What a number she did on your heart, lad.” “Tell me about it.”
“Yeah, well, if I’m found mangled in my bed some morning, with cat scratches all over my body, don’t say I didn’t warn you,” I huffed, as I shrugged on my shirt, not bothering to button it. “Because you’ve had plenty of warnings, woman.” “That will never happen.” “It could.” “You’d have to sleep in your bed for that to happen.”
“Okay, okay,” he laughed, surprising me by how quickly he forfeited, and set me down on my feet. “You win.” “I do?” I replied, breathless. “Since when?” “Since I can’t take it,” he chuckled, still smiling down at me. “Can’t take what?” “Being touched there.” It was only then that I realized that I still had my hand in his shorts. “Oh crap.” Cheeks flaming, I quickly yanked my hand free and grinned up at him. “Oops.” “Oops,” he mimicked affectionately, hands resting on my shoulders.
“Come on,” he chuckled, draping his arm over my shoulders. “Let’s take that moonlight stroll.” “This is entirely inappropriate behavior.” “Duly noted. Should we continue?” “Of course.” “Okay then.”
Shifting our bodies so that he was behind me, he wrapped his arms around my waist and leaned in close. “‘In the Summertime’ by Mungo Jerry.” Mimicking the singer’s voice, he broke into the chorus, giving me a hilarious rendition of one of my favorite childhood songs. “Is that the one?” “Yes!” Biting down on my lip with sheer delight, I gripped his forearms for dear life when he began to swing me around in circles. “Oh my God,” I squealed, feeling safer in this boy’s arms than anywhere else on earth. “Please don’t let go.” “Never,” he vowed. “Not in a million years.”
Pulling her close to my chest, I dropped my hand to rest on her hip before leaning in close to press a kiss to the tip of her nose.
“Yeah, well, it was either dip you or kiss you,” I admitted, setting her back down on her feet. “And then I remembered I’d promised Kav a peaceful night.” Grinning wolfishly, I added, “I didn’t want to start World War Three with your big brother over there.” “Liar,” she teased, tipping my nose with her finger. “You chickened out and that’s all there is to it.” Well, how could I argue with that?
“I just miss him so much.” With her cheek resting on her boyfriend’s shoulder, Shannon clung to him like a baby monkey would to its mother. “I want him home, Johnny.” Her voice was slurring and her eyes were closed as she spoke, letting me know that she was a little beyond tipsy. “I know, baby,” Johnny, who was equally drunk, soothed, as he rubbed soothing circles on her back. “Joey will be home on Monday.” “I just … I love him so much,” she mumbled, clawing and pulling at him like he would disappear at any minute. “Oh God, but my heart loves you most of all.” “Right back at you, Shannon like
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“Just try to get rid of me.” Chuckling, he stood up from the sand in one swift move, taking my bestie with him. “I’ve got you, my little darling.” “And I’ve got you, binding thirteen,” she cooed, attempting and failing to ruffle his hair. “So pretty.” “We’re going to call it a night,” Johnny announced, as he carried his baby monkey back to their tent and disappeared inside. “Night, all.”
“Jesus, they’re disgustingly loved up, aren’t they?” Feely mused, taking a swig of his beer. “So bad,” Katie agreed with a chuckle. “It’s nice.” “It’s epic,” I chimed in. “And so incredibly deserving.” “And permanent,” Gerard added with a nod. “Mark my words, lads, come what may next summer after graduation, we’ll all be back in this town in a few years for their wedding.” “You really think so?” Katie asked. “No thinking necessary,” Gerard replied, tapping his temple. “It’s already a done deal. Knowing Johnny, he already has his grandmother’s heirloom engagement ring waiting in the wings for
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“I speak only the truth,” Gerard continued, unfazed. “I nearly died of boredom while Cap was away on tour, with only the two of you for company.” “Hey!” I huffed, poking his side. “What about me?” “Male company,” he was quick to correct, leaning in to press a kiss to my cheek. “You’re perfect.”
“You two have been joined at the hip this summer.” “This summer?” Hugh snorted. “Try every summer since nineteen eighty-nine.” “Damn straight,” Gerard agreed, leaning in to press another kiss to my cheek. “My little Leo.” “No lips on my sister,” Hugh grumbled, but it was a defeated sound, having clearly consumed too much alcohol to care anymore. “Dammit, Gibs.” “Thank God for this one,” Gerard continued, wrapping an arm around me. “I thank my lucky stars every day for her friendship.”
“Ew, don’t even say it like that, Gerard,” I added. “Getting his hole.” I grimaced in disgust. “What a horrible reference to the physical act of love.” “Wow,” Hugh deadpanned. “What a horrible reference to sex.”
“Hey! That was an easy mistake, and you know it.” Gerard shrugged noncommittally. “Could have happened to anyone.” “Funny how the things that could happen to anyone usually only happen to you, Gibs.”
“I love you, Gerard.” “I love you, too.” His lips were so close to mine that if I leaned in just an inch, we would be kissing. I wanted to. Desperately. But I held back.
Because this boy had always been my favorite boy. My favorite friend, person, human, everything.
“You’re both as bad as each other,” Johnny chimed in. “Our tent is next to yours. I could hear ye all bleeding night. Like an old married couple. Communicating through snores in your sleep, the pair of ye.”
“I think we would be,” Shannon offered, still looking a little worse for wear from last night’s antics. Lounging on her boyfriend’s lap with his hoodie swamping her small frame, she folded the sleeves up absentmindedly as she spoke. “At least, I would hope to be in your tribe.” I smiled warmly back at her. “Always, chickie.”
“I hear what you’re saying, Shan,” Johnny added. “But for me, I find it really hard to tolerate Lizzie’s behavior when I’ve seen how you carry yourself.” Shifting around in the backseat, he draped a protective arm around her shoulder. “You’ve been hurt more than anyone I’ve ever known, and still, you spread kindness. You wouldn’t harm a fly – and certainly not intentionally.”
“Can we please stop talking about the viper?” Gerard begged from the driver’s seat. “Honestly, lads, I love the three of you, but if ye don’t shut the fuck up about that girl, I’m going to open the door of this car and throw myself out.” “Then pull the car over first,” Johnny replied. “In fact, do you want to just pull over now and let me drive?” “Nope, I’m perfectly capable of driving my own car, Jonathan.” “Gibs, lad, you’ve coasted over the middle line three times already,” Johnny tried to coax. “I really think I should drive.”
“Get ready to be a backseat bitch, Gibs.” Assuming position, Johnny linked hands with Gerard and smirked. “One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war.” “Five, six, seven, eight, I use this hand to masturbate.” “Gerard,” I yelped at the same time Shannon choked out, “Gibsie!” “And that’s the end of the thumb war,” Johnny muttered, abruptly dropping Gerard’s hand. He wiped his hand off his shorts and shuddered. “You win.” “Who’s the backseat bitch now?” Gerard laughed,
