A Quiet Mind to Suffer With: Mental Illness, Trauma, and the Death of Christ

by John Andrew Bryant

Shame, dread, fear, emptiness, and isolation threaten to veil the Lord’s presence from the believer.

This vast network of cognition and self-deception is my place of enslavement. It is where I am misshapen. And it has made my life lonely in ways I do not know how to explain to the people I love most.

love Jesus and am still very much mentally ill. My love for Jesus has not fixed that. And Jesus’ love for me has not fixed it either.

It is the patient, quiet trust I have in Christ. It is the patient, quiet understanding of who Christ is. A capacity to quietly hand myself over to who I know Christ to be and to know I am okay.

This is not, of course, what I wanted. What I wanted was better thoughts and better feelings. The absence of Suffering. I wanted my brain to provide better experiences. And what I got was a better understanding of who Christ is and who I am;

I will have to depend on Christ instead. There has been nothing in my life more beautiful and harrowing than having to become that patient, quiet understanding.