Exiled (Unlucky 13, #11)

by Jessie Walker

“Turns out I like dick. Who knew?”

I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with food. Textures and temperatures can make or break something for me. And if there’s one food group that’s unpredictable as fuck, it’s fruit.

Fr!!

He knows once we get going, we can’t stop. Not that he’ll ever hear me complaining. Who needs food when you’ve got a big sexy mountain man to suck and lick and fill you up?

“Scream, Sky!” And I explode. He releases me, giving me a wide berth.

For the first time since I was a kid and didn’t know better, I don’t try to get myself under control. I don’t hold back. I just do what Nolan said and let it all out in a fury of ragged, searing screams.

Pushy. And for some reason, because it’s him, it doesn’t bother me. Why? I have no idea. If it was anyone else… Not good.

“It’s something I did growing up. My uncle and I. He’d take me hiking, and we’d find a cave, and just…scream. It felt good.”

“Yeah. And it’s a physical thing too, not just mental. Like my thoughts…they genuinely hurt when they get that loud. And then it spreads, and it’s external stuff, too, that hurts, stuff that shouldn’t hurt. Someone’s voice will pitch in a way that feels like a knife scraping over my brain, my bones, my skin… Same when it gets too cold, or too hot, usually unexpectedly. When everything just gets too…much, it hurts me.”

The description of all of these things related to sensory issues and sensory overload in this book are so painfully accurate. As an AuDHD person, I loved every second of feeling so very seen reading this book.

“Physical pain is…different. It’s confusing, more than anything. I don’t really know how to explain it. What should hurt…doesn’t always.”

All these so-called storms he’s had, and never, not once, did anyone think to just…comfort the kid. Hold him. Tell him it’s okay. Not even when he was hurt.

“It’s like magic,” he murmurs. “You touch me, and it all quiets. You hold me, and it all stops.”

No… No, Skyler Sinclair doesn’t scare me. That much is true. He terrifies me.

Feeling the remorse, holding ourselves accountable, suffering… It’s what makes us not only human, but shows we’re capable of healing. Changing. Being better.”

“It’s why rock bottom is such a pivotal moment in recovery. You might know you have a problem for years—admitting it to ourselves is rarely the issue; we know we’re addicts well before we seek out help—but sadly, it’s oftentimes the case where it takes something horrible and life-shattering to give us the kick in the ass we need.”

The portrayal of recovery and addiction in this book was also painfully accurate & so so so appreciated

“And it’s always when we least expect it. We let our guards down once, and that’s when it strikes. Addiction is…insidious. It’s a liar. It’s a trickster.” Kevin squints, looking around the circle. “And we’re not invincible to its charm, no matter how strong we think we are. No matter how far we think we’ve come. It will always be there, lying in wait. That’s just fact.”

“We can’t forget. We have to remember what we did. What led us to this very moment. The thing that haunts us most. But it doesn’t mean we can’t forgive ourselves. It doesn’t mean we have to live a life of penance, never allowing ourselves anything good again.” Kevin pauses meaningfully. “We deserve good things. Say it with me.”

I’m going to miss this. Miss him.

“And we deserve love.”

My voice is gone this time as I mouth the words. And in the corner of my eye, Skyler’s lips shiver as he fights to do the same. We both know Kevin doesn’t mean love in the romantic sense. That’s not at all what this is about. And yet… And yet.

God, how quickly and hopelessly I’ve become addicted to this. To him.

If I could spend the rest of my life curled around his legs, mouthful of the best and only cock I ever tasted, holding him to me, I don’t think I’d ever crave a drink again. Consider me cured. I found my new vice, and he’s sweeter than the sweetest of bourbons.

And just like that, my entire earth crumbles into a million pieces with two syllables, spoken by the most precious sound to ever grace my ears. “Da-da!”

It’s like we’ve…I don’t know, grown into our skin or something. We…changed. At least, I know I did. I’m stronger. Wiser. More confident than I’ve ever been in my life. More me than I’ve ever known myself to be. He gave me that.

I’m not sure why I just know he’s down there in our cove. Call it instinct—a sixth sense—a built-in radar for anything Nolan… Somehow, I just know that’s where I’ll find him. The why of it doesn’t even matter. I just need to find him.

I’m not…angry, but I am confused, and I don’t like that. Not one bit.

Like I knew he was down here, somehow, I just know he senses me too. Like there’s a thread tying us together, keeping us on the same frequency, ensuring we’re always in tune to the other whenever we’re in each other’s orbit.

Our gazes collide, and it hurts—God, does it hurt. He has to see how much it’s hurting me. Except, now that I’m looking at him, I see he too is hurting and wonder if maybe he feels it after all. Maybe I’m not alone in this for once.

“You…you have to go. You wouldn’t be the man I lo⁠—” My voice hitches, my mouth gaping, fumbling. Time stops. Everything stops. Frozen, all I can do is stare wide-eyed, unblinking at the base of his throat. I don’t even think he’s breathing. Pursing my lips, I say more slowly, steadily this time, “You wouldn’t be the man I know if you stayed.”

Everything in me stills. The beach fades. The entire world fades away, and it’s just us…marooned to this space where he exists and I exist and somehow we’ve found each other in the void. “Don’t,” I whisper. But it’s too late. Nolan grabs my cheeks roughly, dives forward, and he slams his lips to mine.

And he’s…. He’s kissing me. Nolan is kissing me. He pulls back, swiping his thumbs over my cheeks, cupping my face so gently, it’s like he’s afraid if he changes the pressure even the slightest bit, I’ll shatter, and his gentle touch is the only thing keeping me together now that he’s finally broken me. Like he was always going to break me. I knew it. He knew it. And yet we risked it all anyway.

“I’m so, so fucking sorry.” And I just…crumble. I’m gone.

For tonight, I’ll pretend it’s just us. Me and my champion. Me and my Tarzan. United under a starless sky.

He didn’t have to kiss me. He’s fucking leaving me. He never should’ve crossed that line. I said no. We had this rule for a reason. And yet all I can do is kiss him harder—so hard our teeth knock and rip into our lips. So hard, my face has to be scratched raw from his beard. But I can’t stop.

Forget the ocean—let me drown in him. Engrave me in his bones. Bury me in his veins. Let me die as I lived—as his.

It starts off with a low growl that intensifies to a roar, and then whatever little scrap of control he was hanging onto? It doesn’t just snap. It disintegrates. As if it never was even there. And he’s falling, falling… Sinking deep inside me, right down to the hilt. And I’m flying.

Somehow, I just know, in this moment, I’ll never find this again.

I don’t know how to say goodbye to him. I don’t know how to reconcile this empty feeling with my relief. How the hell did this happen?

Seven steps. That's how far he gets before he comes to a sudden stop.

I can’t do this. I can’t just leave him, not knowing if he’ll be okay. Who’s going to hold him when it gets too loud? Who’s going to still his fingers when he’s feeling stressed? Who’s⁠— “Nolan, it’s okay,” Skyler says just loud enough to be heard over the rain, cutting into my spiraling thoughts. “I know.”

“Fuck,” I choke out, bowing my head to his. “You beautiful, beautiful boy. You’re gonna break so many damn hearts, I just know it.” I would know, seeing as mine is shattering as I speak. “Because you’re not going to settle for the first one who hands theirs over. You’re not going to settle for just any guy who does the bare minimum of what you should’ve gotten all along.” A sob crawls up from his chest and I wrap an arm around him, holding him. He’s shaking, and I know it has very little to do with the rain. “Someone is going to come along and love you, storms and all.”

I’m not okay. And I don’t know if I ever will be. Nolan made me okay… And now he’s gone. And I am lost.

The loneliness I feel when I remember it’s just me here, treading these waters alone, is…gutting, to say the least. Even after all this time, but especially this time of year. Hell if I can explain it. Not that I really want to try. It just is what it is at this point.

Losing Skyler… It was an ache I never prepared for. A gaping wound I don’t think I’ll ever be free of. My newest vice, and a solace all in one. You could’ve gone after him… Yeah, well, hindsight’s a bitch.

“Fuck, Nolan. You’re not a bad guy. You’re not gonna get in trouble for pursuing a younger guy. He was eighteen.”

“You have no idea what’s going on in his head, so stop living your life like you do.”

“Some loves come and go,” he’d told me once, rolling the gold band around his finger, gaze far-off in memory. “And some sink their teeth into you. Never let up. Physically, they’re gone, but their ghost lives on in us.”

And quietly, I murmur an echo of what I couldn’t voice last time, “And we deserve love.”

“Mel, there’s nothing wrong with other people drinking.” Grabbing her shoulders, I push her back, holding her in front of me. “There’s just something wrong when people like me drink.”

It’s not a problem—it’s a disease. At some point, it was no longer a choice for me.

Disease. Not choice.

“Your addiction and my storms…people always want a quick fix—they want to make it go away, even if it means ignoring it. All because they don’t want to have to feel bad about not wanting anything to do with it. It’s about them, not about us. And we can take it or leave it.”