Exiled (Unlucky 13, #11)

by Jessie Walker

book

That’s all anyone ever does. They only see themselves. They see the truth they want to believe in. Or… They look away.

I am stronger than I was, stronger than these storms that plague me, and I will not let this place break me. I will not let stupid, sexy, grumpy men who speak cruel, ignorant words be another thing that tears me down He doesn’t know me. They don’t know me. No one does. I survived death, and I can survive this too.

Why couldn’t they just let me go if I’m this much of a burden?

I think I get it now, like really get it—that whole “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” thing people say sometimes. Maybe I didn’t die because I’m already in Hell. Maybe Pastor Gabriel was wrong, and I’ve already been damned all along.

“We’re just trying to help you,” he says for what feels like the millionth time. It sounds so… empty. Hollow.

How can I prove them wrong… If they’re right about me?

I find myself rubbing my ring finger, right over where there’s the faintest strip of slightly paler skin. It’s been months now since I wore a ring, but it still feels so heavy sometimes—the absence of it. Proof of my failure.

I don’t even remember all that I told them when I found them seated at the dinner table. It spilled from my lips like a dam had broken. Everything that was done to me. What Adam did. What the Pastors did to me.

Just once I wish someone would see me for me, beyond all my issues. Beyond my age. I just want someone to take me seriously.

I try to feel guilty, I do. But it’s hard to do that, when I’m pretty sure I’ve already reached my quota of remorse. I’m tapped out. All that’s left now is festering resentment.

What the hell is this? What is he doing to me? This isn’t me.

I wish I got to kiss him. Wish I got to know what it was like to be loved.

Stars dance across my vision, and I think of the tattoo on Nolan’s shoulder. The night sky. If there’s a heaven, I hope that’s where it is. Embedded in his skin.

broken sobs. “It’s okay,” I whisper, my voice cracking. “It’s over now. You’re safe, sweetheart, you’re safe.”

It’s something I didn’t even know I craved, not until this very moment. To be owned, wholly and completely. To be devoured, so consumed by another person that no fiber of my being is left untouched by this man.

“Don’t regret this when it’s over,” he whispers. “No matter what. I want this to be a good thing, Nolan. Please don’t… ruin it.”

I rock my head up and down against Nolan’s. His nose brushes my cheek. “Tell me.” “Y-yeah!” I gasp, arching into him, thrusting my cock deeper into his hand. “Yours.” Nolan groans. “Fuck, I love hearing that.” He

“While we’re here, this is mine. No one else’s. Understood?”

“You…you have to go. You wouldn’t be the man I lo⁠—” My voice hitches, my mouth gaping, fumbling. Time stops. Everything stops. Frozen, all I can do is stare wide-eyed, unblinking at the base of his throat. I don’t even think he’s breathing. Pursing my lips, I say more slowly, steadily this time, “You wouldn’t be the man I know if you stayed.”

“I’m sorry,” he chokes out hotly, wetly against my trembling lips. “I’m so-so sorry,” he murmurs, kissing me. Over and over and over again, he kisses me, and he apologizes, and then he kisses me some more. And I’m frozen. For the first time in my life, I’m completely and utterly still, both outside… And inside.

He’s kissing me. Nolan is kissing me.

Forget the ocean—let me drown in him. Engrave me in his bones. Bury me in his veins. Let me die as I lived—as his.

I’m not me anymore. I’m his.

Bending down, he nuzzles my groin, inhaling and rubbing his scruff all over me like he’s trying to embed his scent into me. Leave his mark. Doesn’t he already know, he’s stuck here forever? Tattooed into every fiber of my being.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I bury my face in his neck, nearly sobbing at the scent wafting over me, knowing it’ll be the last time I ever get a taste of this—sea salt and soap and Skyler and mine.

One second I’m standing there, just outside my door, and the next I’m striding forward into the pouring rain, and he’s whirling around and rushing toward me. We collide, arms tangling, hands on each other’s cheeks, lips slamming together. Rain mixes with our tears, making it easier to pretend this doesn’t hurt so bad. That this isn’t killing me. Killing him.

For someone who claims to struggle with reading a room, he sure knows how to fucking read me.

“Someone is going to come along and love you, storms and all.” Fingers bite into my shoulders. “And you don’t accept anything less than that. If they can’t love you at your worst, then they sure as fuck don’t deserve you at your best. Clichéd, I know, but it’s true. People like that don’t deserve a single, damn thought of yours.”

“Why does no one ever want to keep me?” I choke out, my voice breaking off into heaving sobs. Finally giving voice to the question that’s plagued me for my entire existence. So stupid. So, so stupid, to think this wouldn’t end badly.

I realize⁠— I didn’t keep my promise to him either. I’m not okay. And I don’t know if I ever will be. Nolan made me okay… And now he’s gone. And I am lost.

Losing Skyler… It was an ache I never prepared for. A gaping wound I don’t think I’ll ever be free of. My newest vice, and a solace all in one. You could’ve gone after him… Yeah, well, hindsight’s a bitch. But that was all then… And now I’ve got toothpicks, a nail gun, and my grumpy ol’ sponsor to keep me in line when all else fails.

“You know, Nol,” Hal says with an air of disappointment. “I’ve half a mind you enjoy believing you’re the predatory asshole you say you are.” I stare at him. “And since the guy’s not here to stand up for himself, I’m going to say it. You’re a dumbass, and you need to give people more fucking credit.” He gives me a knowing, arched look. “You’re so damn scared of being left in the dust, that you’re the one doing the leaving, and look where that’s got you.”

“Some loves come and go,” he’d told me once, rolling the gold band around his finger, gaze far-off in memory. “And some sink their teeth into you. Never let up. Physically, they’re gone, but their ghost lives on in us.”

“Everything we want is in here. But we gotta work for it. Day by day.” “Day by day?” I repeat skeptically. He spreads a hand “Second by second if you have to. Until you believe it.” “Believe what?” “We deserve good things.”

I was running to him. The memory of seeing Nolan only moments before surges forward, spearing me right in the chest, like it’s happening all over again. I suck in a sharp breath, and blink a couple times to try to keep the tears at bay. He was never gonna come for me. I was just a distraction. I was just a fling.

For two years, I’ve been on my own, making my way without any help from anyone. Now is not the time to turn into a pathetic, lovesick, codependent fool, just because he’s in such close proximity.

Why can’t I let you go? Why don’t I want to?

“Sky,” he says. “I should get back to work.” “Sky.” “What?” I ask, flicking my eyes to his, then away again. A long beat passes. “How long have you been here? In Vermont.” My throat clicks with my hard swallow. I force myself to meet his gaze, and whisper, “Six months.”

Something in his gaze softens and he looks away, clearing his throat. “So you came all the way to Vermont. Moved to my town. And you never thought to come see me.” I blink. Oh.

Feeling my cheeks heat, I keep my gaze averted as I tell him. “I did come here to see you…I needed to know. Closure and all that, you know how it goes. You never…I just, I needed to see it for myself.” Tears sting my eyes, and I shake my head, trying to keep my emotions at bay. “I thought maybe…” I trail off, my voice failing me. “Skyler… what are you talking about? Mel and I are not together. We were divorced before you and I even got together. You know this.” “But I saw you,” I whisper. “What?” “I saw you my first day here. I was going to grab lunch at that diner down the road, and…make a game plan, or psych myself up to go and find you. I found your business online, and the address. I was g-gonna find you. I don’t know, but there you were. Walking out of the restaurant I was headed to. Like you were…dropped right in front of me, a-a-and⁠—”

Speaking of coming out… They’re still watching me with varying expressions of shock, curiosity, and just straight up confusion. Frank, another work buddy and mutual friend of Hudson’s nods from across the table. “He’s cute.” My vision turns red, and I lean across the table, snarling, “Back the fuck off.” His eyes widen, swimming with mirth. Someone coughs in a poor attempt to mask a laugh. “Damn, now I’m out five bucks,” Cort mutters.

This possessiveness he brings out in me… it’s bone fucking deep, impossible to get a hold of, and seemingly more intense than ever after three and a half long years of just going through the motions. It’s taking literally everything in me not to go over there and throw him over my shoulder like I used to, and get his sexy, half-naked ass away from here. Preferably back in my bed where he belongs.

Fuck, he’s adorable. Even now, three years older, broader, sharper, more filled out…he still carries this sort of…light to him. A youthfulness I don’t think he’ll ever fully shake.

I can’t fucking believe he’s here. Skyler’s here. In Vermont. Minutes away from where I live. For six fucking months, we’ve probably walked the same streets—not that I come downtown much, but still. He’s here, and he’s been here, and I run into him at a strip club of all fucking places.

Maybe it’s wrong, to crave to be possessed as much as I crave to be possessed by him. But if it is… Then I don’t want to be right.

“So that’s it then?” I say roughly, hating the way my voice breaks. “You’re just gonna…never let it go. You’re just gonna let this guilt eat at you for the rest of your life, stripping you of anything good? And not just you, but me.” He watches me, his scruffy jaw quivering. “Because that’s what you did. What you’re doing now,” I tell him. “This isn’t just about you.” My face bunches, tears rushing to my eyes. “Yeah, I was eighteen. But I’m not anymore, and guess fucking what? You were wrong. You were so fucking wrong. And you wasted over three years.”

“You promised. And you lied. You said you wouldn’t regret it or ruin it. You promised me I’d forget. That I’d move on.” My teeth start chattering, and I can’t be sure if it’s from the cold or the storm igniting my senses. “But you lied. You broke your promise, just like I said you would, and now you’re tainting the memory too.”

“I didn’t move on. I didn’t fucking forget. I’m still there.” I jab him again in the chest. “I’m still there and I never left!” I scream.

“I won’t let you be, and I won’t let you ruin this or regret us, because no one else has ever looked at me the way you do. Touched me the way you do. Held me the way you do.” His face bunches up, as does mine. “No one’s ever listened to me and talked to me the way you do. So to try and take all that from me, and become just like all the others?” My fingers flex, blunt nails biting into his face. “It hurts like nothing else. So much, I can’t breathe. I could handle it coming from anyone else, but I can’t handle it coming from you. So please, Nolan, please just….” I choke on a sob.