In the Tall Trees (Little Voices #1)

by Angel N. Van Atta

Daddy pajammies.

Peter was named after this magical hero who lives in New York City and saves people with his magic webs. Only people don't know it's Peter ‘cause he dresses like a spider all red and blue and that makes me think of Daddy, too. ‘Cause nobody knows Daddy is also the bad man. Only Peter is a hero and saves people from the bad mens. And Daddy is the guy that people need to be saved from.

Daddy’s words are weird to my brain and make me take a second to think. Sometimes I feel like I can remember a before place and before people, but just like the bad man, those thens live in shadows and, anyway, they scare me. Sometimes Momma tries to talk about the back then. It’s always at night when the lights are off and when the fan is on. She talks in ssssssshhhhh voices when she tries to say about it all, but I never wanna hear it. I don’t wanna listen. Back then scares me to know, but I can’t say why. So when she starts to talk about the people and the houses from before, I always put my hands over my ears and start singing Hush Little Baby until she stops. She always has that sad face when I do this. I know it’s important to her heart for me to hear, but I can’t. It’s a scaredy place in my brain.

Momma tries to tell me that the outside has wonderful places, sometimes, in the dark night, when I’m s’posed to be sleeping. I hate it when she tells me this stuff 'cause she has to whisper it all shhhh quiet so Daddy can’t hear on the cameras. I hate it when she tries to tell me these things 'cause they’re lies, and Daddy says we’re not s’posed to lie. Never, ever, ever.

“She fuckin’ spilt her food all over my pants and on the fuckin’ chair,” Daddy yells at Momma, and I know he’s mad at me and not at her, but he always makes his mads be at her, no matter if it’s ‘cause of me or not, and my heart feels bad again

I hate Momma for not loving him, but mostly I hate me. I hate me for hating her. But mostly I hate me for not being enough for Daddy. Why do I have to be the secret and Tina gets to live with Daddy and go to school and have friends and do all the things they do in the t.v.?

I hope he doesn’t have the bad man inside him now, even though I know he is the bad man always and why do thoughts and knowings have to be so hard inside my mind? Why can’t everything just make sense all the time instead of hardly ever?