Hate Mail

by Donna Marchetti

Dear Naomi, I hope you get struck by lightning and die in the middle of your next weather report. Wouldn’t that be ironic? —L

Dear Naomi, I wrote this one more slowly so that your simple Oklahoma mind can keep up. I’m sorry to hear that your parents are brother and sister. I’ve heard that incest can cause a lot of birth defects, which explains why you turned out the way you did.

Dear Luca, This must be the tenth time you’ve said that you’re not going to write to me again so I don’t really think I believe you. But just in case I don’t hear from you again, I want you to know that if anyone ever did those things to me, it would be because he’s a shitty person and he doesn’t deserve me. Not the other way around. And if I saw someone treating one of my friends like that, I would kick him in the balls. Love, Naomi

“Whose kid is that?” “No idea,” I say. “She lives in the building and thinks my name is Gnome.” “Gnome? I’ll have to remember that.” “Please don’t.” “Are you excited to fly for the first time, Gnome?” “I’m a little bit nervous, Anette.” Anne cringes. “Okay, fine, sorry. Forget I ever called you that.”

She made the hottest girl at my own high school look like a mushroom in comparison.

“You thought TSA was going to make you strip down and check your butthole for weapons?”

“Let’s fly to Georgia then. Next weekend. You can have your date Friday, then fly out Saturday morning. We’ll be back the same day.” “You’re serious about this whole adventure thing, aren’t you?” “I clearly have nothing better to do.” “You need to get laid.” She sighs. “You’re probably right.”

I got a call from an old friend the other day. If you go to Georgia again, tell Maxwell I said hi. Who knew you would go that far to find me? You must like me too, or something. Love, Luca

“I don’t think there’s anything you could do to scare me off, Naomi.” “What if I just started peeing? Right here. Standing up. Through my shorts.” “I would assume you got stung by a jellyfish and I just didn’t notice.” “What if I told you that I was a robot?” “Then I would say whoever built you did an excellent job.” I can hear his hand scraping the sand as he writes our names in it. “What if I told you that I hate kids?” “Then I hate them too.” “And if I told you that I want a baby right now?” “I would say ‘let’s start trying’ but if you’re a robot, then we might have to adopt.”

Speaking of that offer, is it still valid? Because I’d like to come hide away with you if you’ll have me. Just say the word and I’m yours. Love, Luca

I think anyone who reads them would know that I’m in love with you. Love, Luca Dear Luca, How can you say that you’re in love with me when we’ve never even met? If that’s how you think you feel, you should have told me a lot sooner. It’s too late now. Love, Naomi Dear Naomi, It’s not too late. Love, Luca

“Naomi? Can we please talk?” “About what?” she snaps. I can tell by the closeness of her voice that she’s right on the other side of the door. “About how you’ve been lying to me? Or about how you’ve been stalking me for the last six months?” “I didn’t stalk you,” I say. “And if that’s the reason you’re mad, then I feel like I should remind you that you went to at least three different states to try to find me.”

“Do you really think you’re the only one who’s hurting over this? I fell in love with you, and I lost you.”

“It’s too bad you’re also just as mean in real life,” he says. “I guess I dodged a bullet.”