Unravel Me (Playing For Keeps, #3)

by Becka Mack

“I fucked up.”

I don’t miss her. I miss the love that was once there, the body I held against mine each night, the way my heart soared every time she smiled at me. I miss the way she loved me before she… Stopped. She stopped, and now I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone who loves me for me. Not Adam Lockwood, superstar goalie. Not the NHL’s golden boy, the ticket to luxury, A-list events, vacation properties, and never having to work another day in your life. Just…me.

“I’ve never, ever seen this before. She hasn’t really warmed up to any man. The only person she’s so relaxed with is, well…me.” “Don’t worry.” He nudges my shoulder with his. “I won’t replace you.” I giggle. “Promise?” “Promise.” His gaze moves over me in a slow sweep that heats my insides. “’Cause you’re irreplaceable, Rosie, aren’t you?”

How she’s unable to hold that smile back when it wants to break free, and the way it drags mine out like a magnet, because when she smiles, everything feels right.

“Why do you keep doing that?” I twine my hair around my finger. “Doing what?” “Covering your laugh.” “It’s not a laugh. It’s some sort of strangled, dying animal sound, and it’s embarrassing.” “Okay, well that’ll be weird.” “What will be weird?” “When someone asks me what my favorite sound is, and I have to describe it like that.”

The dim glow of the stars shining on the ceiling from Connor’s favorite light illuminates the most magnificent, sleepy green eyes, and my favorite man smiles up at me as I step inside. Connor shifts on his feet, reaching his tiny hands into the air, grabbing for me. “Mama!” I scoop my son into my arms and cuddle him close, my eyes fluttering closed against his fine, blond wisps. “Hi, baby,” I whisper. “Mama missed you.”

“I guess I wanted to feel that way again, like I was…captivating. For someone, at least.” Captivating? But she’s so much more than that. She’s…fascinating. Dazzling. Fucking hypnotizing. Doesn’t she know that?

Our front yard was a rainbow. Everybody stopped to look at it when they walked by.” “Like you, then.” She looks up at me, a noticeable swallow in her throat as she catches the intensity behind my gaze. “Like me?” “The burst of color and life everyone stops to look at.”

But with Rosie…I’m not the stars, lighting bits of her sky. I’m the rising sun on the clearest day, touching every inch of her world, lighting the bleakest, darkest parts where she hasn’t seen light in far too long. She looks at me like I’m everything good and bright. She looks at me like she’s…grateful. Grateful to be here with me. Grateful for the patience, for the understanding, for every kindness and every smile. It’s nearly painful how heavy the weight of her stare is. Because I know, even on our best days, the way Courtney used to look at me could never compare, and it makes me feel a little…empty.

But what matters most, Rosie, is that you’re your own first choice. Love yourself for exactly who you are and where you’re at, mistakes, imperfections, and all. The people who are going to choose you will love all your pieces, not just some of them.”

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve wondered why loving ourselves is one of the hardest things we’ll ever do.

You stand there in their wake, gripping the love you carry so tightly in your hands, unwilling to let it go. But sometimes the harder you grip it, the easier it is to let it sift through your fingers like sand, falling to your feet.

I fell for this smile first, because there was no other choice but to fall.”

Think it’s gonna be the best sleep I’ve ever had, and I’ll never let you go again.” I don’t think I want him to, because as sleep threatens to pull me under, lulling me toward a peace I haven’t known in ages, there’s one thing I know with certainty. This is how you fall in love.

I’m glad I can give her something she’s been missing, something she so desperately craves and so wildly deserves. Because I know, in her, I’ve found something I’d given up on. I’ve found love.

“My parents died in a house fire when I was eleven. My house was destroyed. My entire life was lost. I was the only one who survived, because my dad chose to save me first. He chose me.” Slowly, Rosie’s gaze lifts to mine, and the never-ending grief that shines in her eyes like shattered glass, far too fractured to be repaired, rocks me to my core. “That was the last time I was anyone’s first choice.”

“I want you, Rosie. I want all of you. And there is no other choice.”

“You’re not my first choice, Rosie. You’re the only goddamn option.”

Hope sparks in my chest, a frantic pounding that hurts the way hope can sometimes. “It’s not good-bye? Not forever?” Her mouth quirks with a sad smile. “I don’t like good-byes.” I bury my trembling fingers in her hair and bring her forehead to rest against mine. “Promise me. Promise me, Rosie.” Her eyes flutter closed, lashes lying against her rosy skin as tears cascade down her cheeks. “I don’t think my forever exists without you somewhere inside it.”

You’re the first recipient of the Stardust Lane Scholarship.” It’s hard enough to wrap my head around being gifted a scholarship at the last minute, allowing me to finish my schooling when I’d just about given up hope. But hearing the name of the scholarship is what brings the tears streaming down my face. Because Stardust Lane? That’s the name of the street I grew up on. The last time I was home with my parents.

I don’t want to, but I give in to the pain, burying my face in my shaking hands and letting it go. Like I did right here on this bench in the safety of the arms of someone I loved and trusted, I fall apart.

He lets me feel what I need to feel, and he makes me feel safe while I do it. But I’m still so hurt. He was my safe place, but I wasn’t his.” I swipe at my cheeks. Of course I’m crying again. Feels like all I’ve done these past two weeks. “I want to be someone he’s proud to be with, but instead, it feels sort of like I was his dirty secret rather than his first choice.”

Adam Lockwood breaks hearts everywhere: he’s taken!

“So, Mr. Lockwood, everyone wants to know…is there someone special in your life?”

“So, do I see myself settling down with her? Yeah, I really do. And starting a family?” Adam looks directly into the camera, and for a moment, it feels like he’s looking right at me. “We already have one, but I can’t wait to keep building it.”

My gaze traces the lines of those initials, the numbers that mark the time I spent here with my parents. And finally, my eyes coast down. Down the trunk, where the tree meets the earth. Where stems of bright pink peonies lie scattered around it, making this tree impossible to miss. Because even when he’s not here, he’s everywhere. And I don’t think I want him anywhere else.

“Adam? I think you could call me Lily-bug. Like my mama did.” “That would make me feel really special to share something with you that you only shared with your mama.” “I think she’d like it if I shared it with you.” She lays her head against me, sighing softly. “You feel safe, just like my mama.”

“It’s okay to be scared, Adam,” Jennie murmurs. “Because when you have trouble loving your own broken pieces, nothing seems scarier than giving them to someone else.” Her eyes flit to Garrett, and something soft moves across her gaze. “But sometimes those people show you exactly how to love the broken bits of yourself. To them, you’re not broken at all.”

“I love you, Bear,” Adam whispers to him. “You’re the best dog in the world, and my best friend.” He presses one last kiss to Bear’s head, and on the way out the door, his fingers find mine, tangling together, squeezing tenderly.

“You will never lose me, Rosie. As long as you want me here, there’s nowhere else for me to be.” I press my lips tenderly to her temple as she clings to my shirt. “I promise.”

I know I hurt you, and it’s no excuse, but fuck, Rosie, having you choose me…it fixed something inside me. For the first time in a long time, I felt worthy.”

“I don’t need perfect. I need the mess, the chaos, all your fears and your insecurities. I’ve given you mine, and you’ve walked me through all of them. Let me walk with you through your chaos.”

And as for Stardust Lane? I wanted to find a way to honor your parents’ role in your life and your future. Because I know they’ve been with you every step of the way, proud as hell of their daughter.”

“Ready to spend your days waiting on a woman, huh?” “If that woman is you? Absolutely.” He drops a kiss to my cheek, soft lips finding my ear, lingering there with his whispered words. “I’m gonna marry you someday, after all. Batman always gets the girl.” He backs away, a proud smirk on his face, before he heads to the elevator. Playful eyes come to mine before the doors slide closed, and he winks. “Night, trouble.”

I’ve waited too long for this, a partner to walk through life with, a love I haven’t had to earn but simply deserved. Because, fuck, we all deserve to be loved without condition.

Now, I get to live my life knowing that somebody has seen it all and still chose me. That’s Rosie. She unravels every string, and when she puts me back together again, I’m better than I was before. Whole, finally, and I don’t think I’ve ever been whole.

Sometimes life has a funny way of reminding you that the permanence of death isn’t quite as all-encompassing as we believe it to be. That despite the lack of physical evidence, the people we part ways with are never all that far. That they linger with us, show up sometimes at the strangest, most inconsequential moments.

Why should I wait on something that brings me so much happiness?”

“No,” Cara growls, stepping between Rosie and Courtney. “Don’t you dare talk to her like that. In fact, life would be immensely better for everyone if you just. Shut. Up.” She swings her hip out, pinning her arms over her chest. “You should be ashamed of yourself for ruining such a special night for five minutes of fame. Like the woman told you, this conversation is over. Now get. The fuck. Out.” “You’re a bitch,” Courtney spits out. “Proud of it, babe.” Cara wiggles her fingers at her as she storms down the street.

Jaxon’s chest heaves as Marchanbo slumps to the ice at his feet. “Don’t touch my fucking goalie.” He tosses my mask at my chest. “Here. Your face is too pretty for black eyes.”

“We don’t only choose you when it’s convenient and easy and happy. We choose you through all the hard, challenging moments in between. That’s how families love each other, Adam. And Connor and me? We’ll always be by your side.” She swipes at the lone tear running down my cheek before pressing her lips to mine. “There’s no better view than right here beside you.”

“You’re suing me?” “For two-point-five million,” he confirms, pointing out a spot on the document. “But you-you…you can’t do that.” “I can, actually. Your bullshit sob stories have accomplished nothing but harm my reputation. I might’ve let it go, but then you dragged people I love into it. You know, I really can’t comprehend how you thought dragging my name through the mud was the best way to get to me, but then again, you haven’t always made the best decisions.”

“And no offense, Courtney, but fuck you. Fuck you for using me to make you happy until you decided you didn’t need me anymore. For taking what you wanted and leaving me with nothing. For staying for everything I gave you and giving me nothing in return. You gave me nothing. Not love, not happiness, and sure as hell not your respect. You took my confidence and all my self-worth, and I hurt someone I love because you made me feel like she wouldn’t be able to love me for me. You did that. And I fucking let you.”

“You gave up the right to your happy ending with him the moment you chose to hurt him instead of love him. Now I’m going to give him the happy ending he deserves. Every day, I’m going to choose to respect him. Every day, I’m going to choose to lift him up instead of tear him down. Every day, I’m going to choose to stand by his side. Every day, I’m going to choose to love him. Every damn day, Courtney, I’m going to choose him, and he’s going to choose me back. And that’s our happy ending.”

“If I’m your happy ending, you’re my heaven. There’s nothing else I need from this world. I could live here forever, in this place where I’m yours and you’re mine. There’s never been anything more beautiful than this version of paradise. I’m certain of it.”

It’s soft and sweet, unhurried and tender, and it tastes like freedom. Freedom to love with everything I have. Freedom in letting go. Freedom to be who I am and to know with certainty that all of me is loved. Then, our friends come around us, winding arms and tender squeezes. And this? This feels like family.

“Puzzle pieces,” Bev murmurs beside me. “Hmm?” “I’ve always thought people were like puzzle pieces. That we spend our lives searching for someone who’s shaped almost as if they’re just for us. You find each other, and you get this funny, excited feeling in your stomach the closer you get, the more you learn about them. And then, suddenly, something slides into place, this perfect fit, like you had this space saved just for them. And when they squeeze themselves in, it feels like your puzzle is finally complete.”

“Sometimes you’re not born to your family, not your forever one. Sometimes you are, and tragedy strikes and separates you until you can be together again. And sometimes, despite it all, you find your family. You choose each other every single day, over and over. When you find the people who come into your life and make it whole, you don’t hesitate, Rosie. You grab it before it’s gone, because life without them is no longer living. It’s simply existing.”

And then he grins, scooping Connor into his arms, helping me up, and tucking me into his side. He takes my chin in his hand, tipping my face, dropping the sweetest lips to mine as another puzzle piece slowly clicks into place. “Welcome home, Rosie.”

Thank you for trusting me with all of you, your fears, your insecurities, your past, and your future. Thank you for letting me into your life, for making me feel like I belonged there.” He hangs his head, breathing out, and I reach forward, running my fingers through his soft curls until he gives me his eyes again, electric blue and shining with tears. “Thank you for giving me a second chance. Thank you for taking the time to see all of me, to know all of me, and thank you for loving it all. Thank you for showing me what it means to be loved without reservation. Thank you, Rosie, for being you.”