Audited by the Anubis (Monstrous Meet Cutes #1)

by Wendi Guff

I'm drawn to this monstrously handsome being. It's just because he didn't call you a fat cow.

He looks like a nerdy sex god sent from above to taunt me—or maybe it's from below.

“Please excuse me while I go make a phone call.” And by phone call, I mean puke.

Because the only thing worse than being audited by a monster is one that breaks your house.

the scent of her arousal perfumes the air. Down boy, I caution my body, which thrums with awareness.

But if I didn’t know any better, I would swear I’m going into rut.

“What do you mean you haven't filed my taxes for two years?!” Mom's voice morphs into whining. “Fern! That was a rough time for me, too!” My jaw goes slack. “It was my divorce!” “And Chet is like a son to me. I consider him family—and you tore it apart!”

In the darkest recesses of my mind, I acknowledge that dry humping a client is the lowest of lows. It guarantees my termination from the IRS, but I couldn't stop myself if I tried. Especially when Fern bites her lips and cries out.

And I receive my first kiss.

“Tell me I'm a good boy.” The redheaded darling in my arms doesn't even miss a beat. “Ah, you’re such a good, good boy, making me so wet—”

“You made me come.” It’s a statement, but laced with wonder.

You’re a rare and sparkling gem, Fern, never forget that.”

“That’s exactly what happened. Fern came—again and again. It’s not urine staining her pants. It’s slick.” I never knew silence could be so deafening.

“That's a dangerous habit,” he rumbles. “What is?” “Apologizing for others. You don't control another adult's actions, and you clearly have disassociated yourself with them—so why should you be taking the responsibility of what they say or do?”

“A date? Like a real one?! I’m not sure—” “I’ll make you come again, even harder.” Shit, why didn’t he lead with that?

To Anubis, offspring are sacred—a privilege, not a right.

Starting by promising her more orgasms.

“Tune them out. Their gossip isn't your truth.”

“Listen, your mom's voice isn't your own. I've heard her words often enough to know the poison she feeds you, and it's not right, Fern.

She's just masking her cruelty as concern.”

If she called me ‘fat’, would that be ok?” “No, definitely not!” “Then why is it alright for her to say it to you?”

“I knew you would look phenomenal, but damn girl, you’re a veritable goddess in that! I almost feel bad for your date.” I smirk at her antics. “And why would you feel bad for him?” “Because he’s going to have the biggest boner in public when he gets a glance at you!”

“I was born with a PhD in Sexual Gratification.”

My arousal intensifies at the vision my thoughts invoke, and I realize I'm sitting in a diner booth that's four times too small for me, with my tongue lolled out while panting loudly.

Her sweet offer hangs between us, and I know if I go back to her house, the only thing I’ll be eating is her.

I promised I wouldn’t push Fern, and I won’t…but I also promised her more orgasms. And Anubis never go back on their word.

He rattles off five choices, all of which sound delicious, and I could kiss the man for being so helpful.

“No, making you realize that your body size isn’t something shameful, but something to be celebrated.

“Nothing could stop me,” he swears. His words are laden with a promise, and it reminds me of his previous vow. To make me come even harder.

“Does my good boy want to come all over me?”

I feel bad, she offered for me to live in Aunt Denine’s old house, but I see ghosts and my aunt is still there.” “Yikes.

Usually I don’t mark my clients and make them come until they pass out.

I stifle a groan at the unimaginative slur.

“Are you too stupid to know I’m insulting you?” “Oh, no, I understood, but since your insult was incorrect, I figured I would help you sound more intelligent. It’s ironic, really.”

I’m…not. I’m more like an omega, I suppose, wanting to be submissive.” “Why can’t you be both?” Her question flummoxes me. “Erm, because you’re one or the other?”

“Why? Are you going to come in your pants again? Because that really turned me on.”

“You have no idea how attractive I find you.” “Thank you. You make me feel beautiful.” “You are beautiful, kianga.”

“Fuck, lock up the café and get home. I’ll get rid of your ex.”

“It's a surprise—but it’ll be something naughty,” she promises.

“You just had to make me come in my pants again, huh?”

“Do I have your permission?” “You can have whatever you want if you make me come again.”

And then he—finally—fucks me like I’ve dreamt about.

“I’ve never come so hard in my life. What are you doing to me, Fern?”

“Are you kidding me? Eckert said I was the only woman he took here!” “Oh, please! Eckert was a whore,” Francine says succinctly, and Seraphina loses her cool.

“Who?” “Uh, the leading lady from Hercules.” “Hercules?” “Honey, I think you mean Hunkules!” “What is going on right now?” Seraphina shakes her head in disgust, disapproval stamped on her features.

He does it again, and I finally catch onto the game. Better late than never.

This man is far too sexy to just be on the loose around the general population.

Ahnou pulls out his gold spectacles, and I remind myself something important is happening, and now’s not the time to jump the man.

Oh, crap cannoli, please don’t tell me we’re related.