Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion

by Marlene Winell

The loss of relationship with God can feel devastating, as though your parents have died; you no longer have a Heavenly Father. If you were deeply involved in a personal relationship with Jesus, you have also lost a best friend and lover.

We had a sense of cosmic purpose.

For me, the notion of free will had always been a problem in the context of an omniscient and omnipotent God.

A-fucking-men.

I was becoming tired of twisting everything to fit. But I tried to hang on. Jesus was still precious to me.

I remember the horror of realizing that no one was listening.

I am convinced that we all need to listen to the wisdom of our children.

As you look back at your religious experience, you may feel puzzled and ashamed or embarrassed to tell people about it.

no one deliberately plans to create unhappiness.

The truth is that children will adjust their views of reality to survive, sustaining a belief in their parents no matter what, because that is all they have. To question is essentially to risk death.

In the fundamentalist framework, decision-making is a matter of discerning God's will, to the point of looking for God's blueprint for your life. The only clear desire that you are really permitted to have is to love God and do His bidding, as in “Not my will, but thine be done” (Mark 14:36).

Individuals who do not trust their own judgment can use religion for self-control

In the charismatic variety of fundamentalism, church meetings can be almost party like, with exuberant singing, dancing, and speaking in tongues. Shared hugs and tears, testimonials, and prayers provide great emotional release and bonding.

Intellectual ambiguity can be very uncomfortable. It is always easier to be sure of something. A religion that neatly provides all the answers saves you the frustration and anxiety that inevitably accompany a struggle with difficult questions.

For those deeply immersed in religion, it becomes an escape from the world. As described by Father Leo Booth (1991) the religious addict uses heavy church attendance and religious behavior as an avoidance of life. The payoffs are real and addicting.

Did Mom and Dad merely want an escape, a way to avoid the responsibilities and consequences of life?

Even Christians who decry violence will secretly enjoy the belief that inequities in this life will be settled in the hereafter.

And believers in karma, such as Buddhists, Hindus, and other eastern-originated beliefs.

Suddenly I recognized my experience. It was like reading old letters from a lover I had left.

Group members can be so brainwashed themselves that they are unconscious of perpetuating mind control techniques in indoctrinating others.

Understanding how mind control mechanisms work is about insight, not blame.

And, as if the danger of Satan weren't enough, God is a source of fear as well, often portrayed as jealous and vengeful in the Bible.

However, the rules are fuzzy; no one knows where the line is.

The implication is that you must not relax. You should live in fear about being right with God at all times. Especially for a small child, this can be terrifying.

Fundamentalists are generally unmotivated to better the world because they see it as doomed. In fact, believers are often excited when war breaks out, particularly in the Middle East, because it could mean “the end” at last.

How many times have you heard that Christ died for you for your sins? This is a heavy responsibility, especially for children.

It is seen as wrong and sinful to be aware of your feelings, honor your intuitions, or seek to meet you needs.

In the fundamentalist system, the self must be rejected because it is essentially bad and cannot be trusted.