Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion

by Marlene Winell

In this type of love, there is no desire to know or be known, which in our everyday understanding, underlies the condition of love.

Emotionality is muted. Because it is not acceptable to pursue personal pleasure in raw form, feelings of sheer exuberance are suspect.

The difference in the fundamentalist context is the strange degree to which words are treated as real. Christians become paranoid about the mere utterance of a word, worrying about the consequences of blasphemy, which carries a threat of eternal damnation.

There is no question for which there is not some kind of answer, and these answers are not disprovable, using the internal terminology and assumptions of the system

The new convert is often enormously impressed with the seasoned believer who can repeat all of the canned responses, most of which either “answer” simply by denying the validity of the question or by evoking the perfection of God and the sinfulness of mankind,

you may feel as though you are much younger than your years, like a child or adolescent. While this may feel frightening and perhaps make you angry, the good news is that you will learn and grow quite naturally when the mental obstructions are removed and you learn to trust yourself. You are not wrong for moving on.

What I came out with was that God hates who I really am. What he loves is somebody who’s totally submissive to him, totally dominated by him, totally him. There’s no room left for any human being.

The most common struggle is with depression because a person’s normal joy in living is suppressed in order to be faithful.

When I first started college, it was an interesting experience to read, let’s say, Plato. I thought “Man, he says some things that weren’t like what they told me back home! But they make a lot of sense. This guy’s got to be right!” And then, two months later, I was reading some other person, who was pretty much contradicting Plato, and I thought “Gee, this guy’s got to be right!” The best thing I learned out of all that philosophy was not distaste for philosophy, but a strong feeling that one has a right to reserve one’s judgment. As a scientist, you reserve judgment on enormous numbers of things, and it’s important to keep very clear in your head as you’re working that you don’t know this and you don’t know that. It feels like a better way to go through life for me than the old way, which was to not allow myself to doubt, not allow myself to question.

generally enjoy life without constant censorship.

There’s a sense of freedom, control of your own destiny, of nothing being forbidden. You set the rules. You decide what’s good for you and what’s bad for you, and you learn, through damage to yourself and other people, what things are harmful.

I’m glad I’ve been a part of the religious life, as difficult as it’s been. It’s rather colorful and dramatic and bizarre. It’s made me what I would call a healthy skeptic. It’s made me who I am.

In rebuilding your life now, a useful step will be to recognize those aspects of your religious past that have been valuable experiences. No matter what you may consider to be the damage, there are probably things you have learned that you can appreciate and build upon.

You learned to think broadly

you are probably able to consider things beyond yourself

gives you the freedom and courage to hold views that differ from popular opinion.

You also learned to consider things deeply.

As a result, you may always desire some depth of meaning in your life. Ambition and materialism will not be primary motivators. You are not likely to fall prey to keeping up with the Joneses.

these notions of human potential can be inspiring — not discouraging impossibilities, but guiding dreams that provide direction for personal growth.

I am striving to achieve this dream of a full life. I don’t know anyone who has it, but I must say that I would rather spend my life working for something that might not ever materialize in its entirety than just give up and have nothing.

Jesus, on the other hand, is a vivid and significant alternative role model for men and women in Christian circles. The content of his preaching and the way he lived communicated values of humility, gentleness, and forgiveness. He accepted people for what they were and reached out a helping hand. He did not manipulate or exploit, but rather empowered the powerless. He saved his judgment for the self-righteous. He expressed his feelings: love, anger, fear, sadness, and commitment.

evoke concern on your part instead of immediate judgment. This can make you a more whole, feeling person, with the potential for connecting with people on an emotional level, instead of relating simply to their overt behaviors. In other words, the other side of seeing human weakness is the tenderness you can have for others. You can assume they are struggling and “falling short of glory.” Your mercy is a needed quality in a world of harsh expectations and judgments.

Because of your background, you have probably escaped the “center-of-the-universe” syndrome in our society.

It’s true that we have many important decisions to make and many options. We have both the freedom and the burden of having to choose career, family, location, possessions, personal tastes, and pastimes. But there are many things that cannot be completely controlled — the opinions of others, our own emotions at times, employment conditions and economics, relationships, the weather, and many other circumstances. There is a lot to be said for the art of surrender, the ability to let things be.

You can be glad that you understand important aspects of being childlike, with openness and trust.

In your life now, you may not be attributing everything good to God in the same way. Yet you can still have an awareness of receiving wonderful things from life.

Remembering to be thankful heightens the joy of living.

More generally, you probably still retain certain life principles that you learned originally in a religious context. For example, you may still hold to “Do unto others...” “Love one another,” or “Let he who is without sin...” As you progress through your recovery from indoctrination and evolve your own approach to life, some of these principles may well turn out to be strengths in your character.

While your outlook may be quite different now, you might still retain the courage of your convictions. Any skills you developed as a result of your involvement in the church are still yours!

With healthy skepticism, you can now be more open, flexible, and fair. These qualities are greatly needed in a world full of bigotry and arrogance.

The strengths that you retain from your experiences with religion are very significant. In spite of the confusion, sadness, and discouragement you may be feeling, you have a breadth and depth of being that others do not have. You are likely to have important values, positive personality traits, and a spiritual capacity. You can now challenge yourself to use these strengths to help overcome your difficulties.

Then the child learns that his is but one of lots of religions. In fact, most people aren’t what he is. So can this God condemn all those others, as he had been led to believe? It wasn’t their fault where and when they were born.

Children are seen as small adults, with the same sinful tendencies and the same need to be saved. There is little recognition of child development, that children are different from adults and that they progress through various stages of cognitive, emotional, and moral development.

The emotions permitted are not human feelings, but instead are “fruits of the Spirit,” as if from an external source.

ability to feel free, open, and joyous; to express yourself, to identify and process feelings like anger, sadness, and fear is probably limited. But these are skills essential for human mental and emotional health. Healing in these areas will produce a remarkable change.

Feelings are needed for decision-making. It’s pretty hard even to choose from among thirty-one flavors of ice cream if you have no feelings. More seriously, you need your feelings as an internal gauge to decide among vocations, relationships, leisure activities, and other choices in your life. In the past, you may have relied on religious guidelines, church leaders, or “God’s will” to make your decisions for you. Now, to be more inner-directed, you need to develop your feeling ability so that you can “read” yourself.

Your feelings help you discern between things that are satisfying for you and those that aren’t. For example, you might decide to travel for a year instead of going to college. That does not make college wrong for you — and it is certainly not wrong for someone else! Your feelings simply help you make a choice about something that will work for you at the moment, given your awareness at a particular time.

If you decide it warrants action, you can assertively address the issue with this person. On the other hand, if you decide the issue is minor and not worth the hassle, you can choose to let it go. If you choose the latter, you need to be able to truly release your anger, relax, and stop thinking about it. Your anger has served you by focusing your attention, but it’s usefulness is finished.

Anger is very useful when seen in this way. It is neither bad nor wrong, but merely and importantly, a signal about something gone awry.

Allowing yourself to feel joy means that you accept its fluctuation. Some people hold back from happiness because it’s never quite enough or they fear missing it when the feeling is gone.

A key to accepting and feeling joy in your life is to have faith that you can handle other more difficult feelings. Being truly involved with life always brings a mix of feelings; along with joy you get sadness, anger, and anxiety. Confidence with all of these lets you enjoy the times of happiness.

Your brain works so automatically that if you do not interrupt your usual thought patterns; you will continue to have exactly the same feelings and reactions over and over again.

If you ever in your Christian background felt that security — ”Let go and let God” or “It’s okay, trust the Lord; it’s in his hands” and those kind of things — that made you feel like you’re not alone, like there was some rhyme and reason, somebody holding the reins, but that’s not your belief system anymore, where does that leave you?

A craving for protection and security is natural, but life offers no guarantees. No one knows what life will hold or what happens after death. We all have to live with uncertainty.

So rather than worrying about your anger or trying not to be angry, it works better to continue taking charge of your own life. Because you are clearer about what was not okay in the past, you can proceed now with making things different for your child in the present. Your anger can be a great energizing force, giving you the determination you need.

Many ex-believers look back and feel sad about experiences that they missed because of a rigid and repressive lifestyle — dating, dancing, movies, and “fun” in general. You may also feel losses related to decisions made as an adult. If you made career and marriage choices based on “God’s will,” you might now mourn what might have been. These are all losses that need to be grieved. Your inner child needs your comfort like an injured child needs a parent.

You’re brought up with people telling you “God wants you to become like dirt so He can use you, so He can form you into this vessel that He can use for His glory. You’re nobody, He’s everything, and you’re nobody.” I still don’t feel like anybody.

Underlying all of these areas is a deeper assumption that you are real. You do exist. While that may sound strange to say, it is not at all obvious after you were taught to diminish yourself. Religious training in self-annihilation can leave you feeling invisible, without substance.

To properly appreciate your worth, you need to begin with validating your existence; “seeing” your core self as a child can help you do this.

Nowhere in the Bible is the body discussed with respect.