Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion

by Marlene Winell

As each of us proceeds with personal development, we return again and again to family issues. Little else in life has the same profound impact. In a sense, you carry your original family inside you. Father, mother, and other primary caregivers become internalized and form a permanent part of who you are. Thus to ignore family is to ignore yourself. Understanding your family experience is to understand yourself and move on with your growth.

In a recent Christian book entitled The Dangers of Growing Up in a Christian Home, psychologist Donald Sloat (1986) discusses individual differences at length and points out that some people are more prone to struggle with their Christian lives than others who are less sensitive by nature. This book is a good source for information on personality factors in a religious family. He also describes the way families and churches can unknowingly hinder emotional and spiritual growth by practices such as the following: Instilling a fear of God rather than a love for him Using guilt to manipulate Failure to “practice what they preach” Neglect of feelings and individual personalities Refusal to listen to questions and doubts Forcing a list of do’s and don’ts that cloud a true understanding of God and sinfulness

“AMK’s [Adult Missionary Kids] and children of alcoholic parents have almost identical problems.” Other conclusions include the following: Fear of intimacy ruins many MK marriages. AMKs tend to be so protective of hurts experienced in childhood that they render their spouses powerless. Eighty-five percent of MKs go into service-related careers, perhaps to compensate for feeling deprived as children. Among other traits, AMKs are emotionally repressed, often with feelings of guilt for their anger and resentment. A Christian white wash produces messages like “Everything is fine” or “It’s God’s work. How can you be critical of God’s calling?”

The most serious problem in a fundamentalist family is the prevalence of shame.

In contrast to guilt, where we feel bad from doing something wrong, we feel shame from being something wrong or bad. Thus guilt seems to be correctable or forgivable, whereas there seems to be no way out of shame...”

In fundamentalist families, there is a core belief that people are basically bad. Therefore, human errors are interpreted as sins instead of as innocent mistakes. Children are seen as small adults, with the same sinful tendencies and the same need to be saved.

Children in religious families are often disciplined through shame. Such messages include “Shame on you,” “You’re so selfish. What’s the matter with you?” “You know Jesus sees you when you do that,” “How would you feel if Jesus came back when you were doing that?” This kind of belief system and these kinds of statements can obviously take a heavy toll on a child’s self-esteem.

well that was unexpectedly triggering

The distribution of power is a major issue in these families. Obedience is stressed as a primary value, similar to the obedience to God that is stressed in the Bible. Parents thus feel justified in their use of power tactics with children. Mimicking the harsh God of retribution in the Old Testament, parents may punish children with a self-righteous attitude of doing their duty. To bolster their own authority, they use Scriptures such as Ephesians 6:1 where Paul says that children should obey their parents.

feel that my parents withheld praise and unconditional love as a means of controlling us. We tried hard to be perfect so they would love us, but I felt it was sinful to feel good about anything that I had done.

I desperately sought out my parents approval in everything but also tried to be humble and modest which left me unfulfilled

The fundamentalist belief system is one that purports to have all the answers. It also claims to be the only way — all deviations lead to hell. It follows then that parents who believe this would be very concerned about what their children believe. Any alternative ways of thinking about major life questions would be highly threatening. Consequently, the fundamentalist household rarely encourages children to explore their own thoughts, to be open-minded about ideas, or to come to their own conclusions. In fact, fundamentalist parents are typically vocal in their opposition to the teaching of critical thinking skills or values clarification in schools.

In the family, feelings are more likely to be punished than heard. Conflict is considered sinful instead of an opportunity for learning. Yet feelings are inevitable, and without understanding or skill they can be very painful to handle. Individuals can learn self-hatred for having feelings, as well as helplessness for not knowing what to do.

it me

Another common pattern is for the family to avoid handling conflicts until the point is reached when emotions boil over. Then chaos reigns as explosions of anger, producing much pain and even abuse. This is followed by intense feelings of guilt, and sometimes apologies, but the damage is already done. With continued avoidance, this pattern is repeated many times, producing a family of deeply scarred individuals. Despite their belief in the grace of God, these family members may feel confused and guilty for their behavior, as well as frustrated that God does not produce changes that heal. The deep sense of personal inadequacy can be very real, yet inevitably denied, because that would mean doubting God. Feelings are repressed again and the cycle continues.

What happens when children become secondary to a greater good is similar to the neglect that happens to children in families where one parent is addicted to drugs, alcohol, work, or money. Religious devotion, however, tends to involve both parents and can thus be especially problematic. Even more troublesome is the insistence that devotion is a higher calling. Children cannot question this without feeling guilty, selfish, or absurd. With other kinds of neglect, society is more likely to respond with censure or punishment, require treatment or suggest alternatives, but this kind of intervention is very unlikely within a religious family system.

In fundamentalist Christianity, the spiritual kingdom of God is described metaphorically as a family. God is a heavenly father, Jesus is the dutiful son, union with God is called marriage, the church is a bride, people who are saved become his children, the church community is called a family, and fellow members are called brothers and sisters in the Lord. (Notice that there is no mother. I find this puzzling and disturbing.)

continuing family dysfunctions merely reinforce teachings about original sin and human depravity. Yet when behaviors do not match stated beliefs, children see the contradiction, and they suffer the damage. The metaphor of the family is subverted by the reality of the family.

Since the entire fundamentalist system of thinking is absolutist in character, it is very threatening, and often impossible, for fundamentalist Christians to admit and examine areas of unhappiness in themselves. Problems or doubts are simply considered sin, and the Christian strives to be “victorious.” There is no value placed on reflection or awareness of areas for personal growth. Thus important emotional and behavioral issues are not examined and a pattern of denial develops. Troubling philosophical questions, feelings of unfulfillment, and “un-Christian” experiences such as anger or greed have to be denied.

Denial is not only easier and less painful in this kind of belief system, but absolutely necessary, a matter of life and death. For families who lean entirely on religion for their security and meaning, the creation of fantasy well being becomes critical and omnipresent. A child who tries to say that the emperor has no clothes doesn’t stand a chance.

I asked Mom about our early years, about what it was like to have three small children and be so busy with work. I tried to empathize with the pressure she must have felt in juggling family and career, but to no avail. Mom said, “I didn’t neglect my children!” She couldn’t even imagine that there was any issue that could have affected her children. In another conversation, I pointed out that there were no close relationships between the siblings. Some of us barely speak. We avoid each other, and when there is contact, the hostility is so close to the surface that it flares up at the slightest provocation. She denied every example. She only felt criticized and incredulous that I would make things up. In her mind, the family was fine in the past and is still fine. The next day she avoided me. After that, when I indicated that we were not finished, she smiled her dismissal, kissed me, and said that we should look forward to good things in the future. Slam. End of story.

I dont understand any of this

a family system focused on control rather than nurturing, enforcing obedience can become so all-important that abuse occurs. The abuse can be emotional, mental, physical, and even sexual. The religious belief system may not directly cause the abuse, but it does provide the basic assumptions that lead to the prevailing power orientation in the first place. The fundamentalist worldview fosters the personal insecurity and interpersonal distrust that can contribute to this family dysfunction. Principles are considered more important than persons. Soon people, especially children, are dishonored and hurt.

As you read the list, think about what your family was like on each dimension. You might also want to underline those words and phrases that apply to your family.

You are probably also very concerned about your present relationships with family members. Leaving the fold can have a huge impact and you will want to sort out the changes. This is understandable and will require your attention in time. Bear in mind that after you have achieved some personal healing and growth, you will be more able to improve relationships with others, including family and friends. You will need to resolve the issues that have developed, either directly with them or within yourself.

Developing new friendships will mean changing some of the attitudes you have learned about other people and letting go of perfectionism.

I don't have to be perfect to be loved by my friends, nor would I expect that from them

I found out I’m not just full of the devil and in a dark dungeon; there’s a lot of light down there inside of me and there’s this innocent little girl in there. She was a scared little girl and I needed to learn how to take care of her so she won’t be scared anymore or guilty. I needed to find my spiritual core and ask my inner advisor to guide me. The first time that I tried that, I found myself trapped in this dark, locked dungeon, like Daniel in the lion’s den, with my parents screaming and telling me I was a bad girl. Then pretty soon, this door opened and I went through this dark tunnel where all my fears and everything are, and then I came out into this light. That never happened to me before. It was always dark for me. I had never felt that feeling that hope, that peace. So that’s one of the ways I got rid of the nightmares — getting help from my inner advisor, my wise inner self.

this somehow got rid of the nightmares

I think it’s sad that a six-year-old girl goes to bed at night in mortal fear that the Rapture is going to take place and God is going to leave her behind. Just total, total fear. Those fears stayed with me. I would go shopping with my parents and if I lost them in the store, I was sure that Christ had come back and I was left. I’ve never talked to anybody who felt so frightened; who felt so scared all the time. That’s no way for a little girl to grow up.

Your child loves and wants to be loved; needs to be loved and cared for. This inner child is a useful and beautiful metaphor for your true self or core essence.

The concept of the inner child also applies perfectly to the problem of religious damage. Convincing a child he or she is bad does untold harm to basic self-esteem.

Very small children are especially vulnerable to this and can incur long-term damage to their feeling and thought patterns. Because these early experiences are so embedded in the subconscious, you may have troubling thoughts and nightmares even now that you are out. Your inner child may still be scared.

Years later, she has anxiety attacks when her inner child remembers certain teachings and worries about death.

triggers i avoid

If your inner child were your own biological child, wouldn’t you want that child to feel good and valuable? You would want this to be a natural, comfortable assumption.

But many humans live their lives as though happiness has to be earned. Your damaged inner child tries hard. Your child tries to do the right thing to be loved and be happy. Somehow it doesn’t feel like it’s enough simply to be. To be good, it seems that life should require effort. This is the child within you that needs to be recognized and accepted. Finding your child again will be your first step in your healing process. You need to love your inner child unconditionally!

The monster of these ideas takes on a life of its own, popping into consciousness, criticizing and harassing you. Many of the messages are personal criticisms, such as, “You’re so weak, you can’t succeed without God’s help,” “You don’t matter to anybody,” and “You’re stupid.” Other negative thoughts can be about other people, life, the world, and the future. They also tend to be over-generalized and extreme, for example: “Life has no meaning anymore without God,” “There’s no such thing as real love; people are too selfish,” and “The world is dangerous.” Research has shown that this kind of negative thinking can have a devastating effect on mental health. A variety of terms have been used to describe it, such as “irrational beliefs,” “automatic thoughts,” “dysfunctional thinking,” and labels like “the judge” and “the critic.” The term I like to use for this negative voice is “idea monster,” because it implies a dangerous creature that is not you and that must be rejected.

In a strange way, your idea monster has been a pseudo-friend. For instance, if you tell yourself that you are inadequate, you can withdraw from risky situations. If you are bombarded with dire warnings and threats about the world, you learn to live very cautiously. Hounded by “should” and criticized for mistakes, you learn to restrict your behavior. Like following the “do’s and don’ts” of a religious system, listening to idea monster talk can seemingly protect you from danger.

In secular culture, people learn to pay attention to their feelings as indicators of what is right and wrong for them. But notions such as “trust your gut,” “doing what feels right,” and “following an instinct” are not allowable in the fundamentalist context because they would mean looking to yourself instead of God.

The Bible does not offer any guidance for processing feelings. You may remember feeling frustrated and being told, “When God closes a door, he opens a window.” The Christian Church has developed many such clichés. In being faithful, you learn to twist very normal emotions and reinterpret them beyond recognition.

Anger is very useful when seen in this way. It is neither bad nor wrong, but merely and importantly, a signal about something gone awry. But again, the mature adult skill of assessment is vital, so that you can use anger appropriately.

Healthy guilt is the negative feeling you have when you have crossed your own values. This information is enormously valuable. Like guardrails on the side of a highway, you can use guilt to get back on course.

Guilt is a signal to do something differently, and this is functional for survival.

Neurotic guilt,” like that often fostered by religion, is a different matter. It tends to be excessive and inappropriate, based on the expectations of others instead of personal values or dwelling on the error rather than using the guilt feelings to make a change. In

The first step in processing feelings cannot be overemphasized: stop everything and take a time out. Your brain works so automatically that if you do not interrupt your usual thought patterns; you will continue to have exactly the same feelings and reactions over and over again. So when you have a strong feeling, just stop. Give yourself a chance to look at it. You may need to get away from the situation by physically removing yourself from other people.

After the security of fundamentalism, you may have attacks of fear that are quite irrational. You were taught to fear the world and to fear hell. Now you feel like you are without the “armor of God” or the “blood of Christ” to protect you, and this can leave you feeling naked and vulnerable. Like a little child without a guardian angel, you may have intense feelings of abandonment. Apart from the church family, you may feel as if you face life alone, and this can test your coping abilities. You may even have moments of panic or nightmares. You might also experience a persistent free-floating anxiety or paranoia. These fears are all based on restimulation of old conditioning, not analysis of real threat.

Former believers often feel angry because they feel wronged. This anger can be a healthy reaction to work through, because it means you are taking a stand.

If you were raised in a very punitive religious environment, you may be understandably angry about the fear and guilt that you continue to live with.

These angry feelings probably feel “bad” to you. You may be trying to repress your anger and be forgiving. This is what you have been taught. Yet if you do not acknowledge your anger, it can “go underground” and stay with you. Thus it is more productive to accept, understand, and process your anger consciously. In doing this, it is critical to realize that your anger about your life experience is about your survival — not about the wrongdoing of others. We are not talking about blame.

To make this distinction, it may help to consider that your parents or church leaders did their best. Everyone does. They raised you or taught you in a particular way because they believed they were doing the right thing. Understanding that and forgiving them, however, are completely different matters.

when you address a real person, you should not attack their core being. This would be the same as the abuse you received. Instead, you can focus on behavior.

you need to be aware of the full range of possibilities and be prepared to handle them. Do you have a strong and protective relationship with your inner child? What will you do if you are treated badly? Are you ready to mitigate the hurt by providing your own comfort? If you assess the likelihood of a negative response to be high, you need to think about what you hope to accomplish and decide accordingly. If you still feel unsure of your ability to care for yourself, perhaps the confrontation can wait. If you do feel capable of caring for your child, the communication might be worthwhile no matter how it turns out. In fact, the most valuable part might just be your act of expressing yourself. Getting a positive response would then be icing on the cake. If you try to improve a relationship and do not get a favorable reception, you will still know that you tried. Your child will feel loved that you made the effort, and you won’t wonder about “What if...?”

good questions to ask if you are considering initiating a confrontation

positive sense of self is essential for mental health. Followers of fundamentalist Christianity achieve this vicariously through the goodness and forgiveness of God. But now you are faced with this issue directly. Although you may want to love and respect yourself, you are probably carrying some old, negative assumptions about who you are and what you are like. This is one of the most insidious outcomes of conservative Christian teaching. Even though you were taught that God is love and Jesus is the good shepherd, you could never be loved unconditionally. You were not okay just as you were but were intrinsically bad, weak, needy, and incomplete — all due to events that happened long before you existed. You were saddled with “original sin” before you even had a chance.

The significant aspect of the damage to self in this system is the sense of shame. This is in contrast to guilt, which refers to behavior, or feeling bad because of what you have done. Shame is feeling bad for who you are. This feeling can last long past the time you leave your religion.

guilt and shame, my ever present friends

Major assumptions that you once had can be understood in three categories: identity, worth, and ability. For each of these, you need to learn new assumptions, which emphasize wholeness instead of holiness.

Nowhere in the Bible is the body discussed with respect. Health and beauty and physical pleasure are treated as nothing compared to the eternal things of the Spirit. Rather, the natural urges of the body are always highly suspect. You are expected to keep careful control of yourself and beware of the trouble your body can cause. Even where the Bible refers to the body as God’s temple, the context is a discussion about immorality and the sinfulness of sex. And note that your body is not yours — it is owned by God