Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion

by Marlene Winell

Sometimes we accidentally slip into avoidance of responsibility, when we get enamored with the origins of our problems and forget our creative power to make change in the present.

Life transitions in general are challenging because of the loss of the familiar that occurs when you let go of accustomed places, roles, and relationships. This is true of geographical moves, career changes, divorce, and other major transitions. Changing your religious point of view is equally significant, if not more so, because your entire life can be affected.

The leaving can range from the traumatic to what seems relatively easy. Nonetheless, deep changes are occurring.

may now feel like an empty shell, without any core, and you may still have a residual tendency to look outside yourself for security and satisfaction.

Since the source of all the benefits offered is external, requiring dependence on God and the church, internal resources atrophy. This process degrades the self and becomes a serious threat to human well-being.

You never have to learn self-reliance or turn to yourself for strength and wisdom.

residual power to the former belief system.

So if you are having a problem, it is you who are wrong and you must rearrange your perceptions. This is a masterful manipulation, sufficient to make you feel crazy if you do not mold you mind.

If you are prevented from developing your critical thinking abilities and trusting your own feelings, it is very hard to evolve. You stay stuck in a dogmatic, authoritarian framework, which operates on a simple dualistic basis of right and wrong, reward and punishment.

At this point, however, you may feel as though you are much younger than your years, like a child or adolescent. While this may feel frightening and perhaps make you angry, the good news is that you will learn and grow quite naturally when the mental obstructions are removed and you learn to trust yourself. You

It was as if I had awoken from a dream state and saw reality for the first time. In the midst of the ensuing confusion I was left with the task normally reserved for adolescents: the search for who I am and what I am to do with my life. The nagging doubts that I had been able to hold at bay for years were finally slipping through.

Then I found out the world was fun. It was great fun. You could have a good time and really party. That was quite a discovery after the stifling, confined, being-nice kind of existence that had been my whole life up until then. So I kind of went wild for a while. I was going through my teenage rebellion in my twenties.

It is important to realize that there is a full continuum of experience ranging from “walking away” to serious trauma.

In a family system focused on control rather than nurturing, enforcing obedience can become so all important that abuse occurs. The abuse can be emotional, mental, physical, and even sexual. The religious belief system may not directly cause the abuse, but it does provide the basic assumptions that lead to the prevailing power orientation in the first place. The

When you were a child, you were unable to perceive your family dynamics accurately, and so you probably felt responsible for things you could not control.

You may have been very good and cooperative, or you may have been frequently ill or disruptive. Or perhaps you used some other strategy. When these didn't work, you probably concluded that you failed.

“There’s no such thing as real love; people are too selfish,” and “The world is dangerous.”

Out of embarrassment, former believers often say things like, “I’m relieved. I don’t miss a thing about it. The only feeling I have is anger about wasting my time.” Circumventing grief work only delays the process of healing.

number of symptoms can occur during a period of grieving including anxiousness, loss of appetite, digestive problems, insomnia and nightmares, poor concentration, fatigue and weakness, rapid mood changes, lack of contact with your emotions, loneliness, helplessness, depression, lack of interest in sex, anger, guilt, self-criticism, and suicidal feelings. Knowing these symptoms can help you understand and take care of yourself.

You do exist. While that may sound strange to say, it is not at all obvious after you were taught to diminish yourself. Religious training in self-annihilation can leave you feeling invisible, without substance.

I was given clear messages that any focus on myself was sinful. I tried hard to be a good Christian girl, accepting that selflessness was my goal. Yet my needs did not go away! The double-bind was constant and painful but completely beneath my own awareness.