Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Sidney Neel
Read between
March 16 - March 16, 2024
The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t being said. —Peter Drucker
Too often, we hear others with defensive ears that are ready to argue, prove a point, stake a claim, or rebuttal. In doing so, we miss out on the significant things that are being communicated to us. We automatically become ineffective listeners if we listen to respond or if our listening is based solely on what we hear instead of everything else that comes with conversation.
When we talk to others, the leading intention should be to create a safe environment where mutual listening, interpretation, and comprehension can thrive.
Ultimately, the power of communicating is in listening and validating other people more than we need to be heard.
Listening and validation are integral parts of any interaction. The aim here is to improve these two things and create deep connections in the process. When you listen and validate what someone else is saying, you make them feel comfortable to continue expressing themselves.
Keeping respect at the center of verbal communication is also crucial. You might not always agree with the speaker, and they might not always agree with you, but the truth is you can both learn from one another. So, every conversation should be met with that sort of perspective.
Saying words like “I hear you” or “Help me understand your perspective a bit more” can also be ways of validating a person because these phrases show your interest in what’s being communicated.
Think of having a good conversation as your chance to enrich your mind with information that is unique from your own.
A huge cause of miscommunication and conflict during conversations is showing disinterest in what the speaker is talking about.
Making someone feel as though their emotions, thoughts, and experiences don’t matter is known as invalidation.
Invalidating someone occurs when you act dismissively toward what they are communicating.
It doesn’t mean abandoning your own emotions for the sake of agreeing with someone else and always following the other person’s lead.
Compromise happens from all parties involved, and it’s for the benefit of everyone. Also, there can be no compromise in communication if there’s no kindness.
Being kind isn’t about agreeing with everything or doing things to make others happy.
You can be upfront and confident in your responses and still deliver your message in a way that considers the emotions of others.
You can’t build strong relationships if you aren’t willing to be vulnerable with people, as it’s the best way to connect with the world around you.
That means being honest with them about what your boundaries are, how you feel, and what you need from the relationship.
Another way that you can practice vulnerability is by taking accountability for your emotions and actions rather than blaming others. Accountability can look like owning the outcome of things. For example, if you and your friend are having a fall out, being accountable would look like understanding that it’s not all your friend’s fault because there are some things that you could have probably done better to prevent the conflict.
You can’t suppress your needs or hide your emotions out of fear. People aren’t mind readers, so it helps any relationship to progress when we are open and vulnerable with one another.
For example, saying “I feel hurt when you walk away in the middle of a conversation” makes for a more productive dialogue than saying “There you go, always walking away when we speak”
By highlighting how something makes you feel rather than focusing on the behavior, you set the scene for a resolution to happen.
Being curious is about wanting to hear someone out, instead of forming your own assumptions about what they are thinking or experiencing.
Experiences of social anxiety make it challenging to communicate clearly and confidently, and it can hinder a person’s ability to form deep connections with others.
Social anxiety makes you want to avoid situations where you have to socialize, so it increases the possibility that you’ll find more distanced ways of forming connections.
“I can see how you would feel this way.” “I hear how frustrating it can be.” “I’m here for you.” “I feel the same way.”
For instance, if you’re shouting something to someone in an aggressive way, it’s likely to communicate frustration instead of excitement.
When you aren’t caring or loving yourself properly, you will struggle to care for and love other people, too.
When you don’t care for yourself, there’s no way of fully expressing what you desire to make a relationship work for you.
Boundary setting is a great form of self-care, as it helps you protect yourself from low standards while still letting people in and forming genuine connections.
Flexible boundaries are connected to support and warmth, but at the same time, they allow you to have the control and assertiveness necessary to stand by them because they offer stability.
Whereas rigid boundaries are the opposite—these are inflexible and closed off. When you set this type of a boundary, it means that you hardly allow anything into your space
Rigid boundaries make it difficult for people to engage and interact with others in a ...
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The best type of a boundary that you can set for yourself is a flexible and clear one because it helps you communicate what you need with confidence while leaving sufficient room for you to change your mind as you get older and more mature.
Be as straightforward as you can about what you expect without shouting, being harsh, or unkind. Be direct about your needs, rather than focusing on what you don’t like about something or what you don’t like. Ensure that your communication focuses on what you expect, instead of causing confusion by communicating the opposite. Be comfortable with the discomfort that will arise every time you express your boundaries to people. It may feel weird and not fun to share your expectations, but stand by them without guilt or judgment, there’s no shame in protecting yourself and your space.