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Addiction is exhausting for both the users and the ones they use.
Her graying skin is like the bark of a tree, deep creases from a lifetime of stress and grief. She embraces them, though. She always has, proudly saying, “The wrinklier the skin, the harder the life.” It’s a badge of honor for her, evidence of her hardships.
“Hi, Mom,” I say. I’m trying to say Mom as many times as I possibly can because I know I’ll never call another person that again. It’s reserved only for her. There is no replacement.
She knew death was coming, but even so, its arrival is always puzzling. It’s like we’re all standing in one big queue waiting for our number to be called, thinking that day won’t arrive—but it will, and it has.
It’s true what they say about the lights going out when a person passes.
But I also don’t blame them for their envy. When you shine brighter than the sun, it’s hard for others to look at you, so you have two choices: look and be blinded with resentment or look away.
We just stand there, worlds apart, glancing at one another. He’s my family but he’s also a stranger. A familiar stranger, what an odd thing to be.
guess you can only grow so much when you’re stuck in the same place—like a house plant that’s never been repotted.
Dad raised us to be strong and stoic. I remember his words, If you can control your emotions, you can control anything. He made it seem like it was some sort of superpower. But really it was just a terrible coping mechanism—one that left us unprepared when he disappeared.
Some things are just better left unsaid.
I’ve actually never understood that saying. Going crazy . . . because crazy isn’t a place you go, it comes right to you.
He sips his whiskey. “What about the funeral?” “What about it?” “Well, what did Mom want?” “I don’t know.” A tear escapes the corner of my eye. I quickly wipe it away with the back of my hand. “She never told me.”
Definitely should’ve had arrangements shared in the event of death for the immediate family
He overthinks, overanalyzes, and then keeps it all to himself, amassing clever little secrets. It’s probably why he’s done so well with his life.
I wonder how she can do a job like this, meeting people in their final days just to watch them die. It has to take a toll on her. I think that as humans we can only carry so much death with us.
Mom always said bad things came in threes.
sometimes there is no gap between an action and a regret.
He doesn’t say anything, but I know what he’s thinking. Money changes people the same way death does. If you don’t know how to manage every aspect of it, it’ll bring out the worst in you.
When you chase all the wrong things, you’re bound to end up in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Her eyes skim over me, carefully noting each injury. It’s how she always looks at me now, like a claims adjuster appraising the damage and deciding whether or not I’m salvageable.
Even if I tell her no, she won’t believe me. You can’t trust people with an addiction because in many cases, like mine, their addiction is stronger than their word.
My parents said I was cursed with an active imagination because I could close my eyes and imagine the worst possible thing happening. Maybe my mind wasn’t overly active. Maybe it was preparing me for the broken life I’d live.
As we age, we shed layers of ourselves, disintegrating like any other organic material, but some of us just break down faster than others.
It’s hard to see someone when the memory of them is stronger than the person standing directly in front of you.
He closes the door behind him, leaving me to fend off the monsters on my own. But they’re not under the bed anymore. They’re in me.
Craig straightens out the papers. “Elizabeth, your mother has left most everything to you,” he says, matter-of-factly.
Wow! She high key deserves it though
Mom didn’t get what she wanted in life, so the least I can do is give her what she wanted in death.
“Just because you were here doesn’t mean we didn’t lose her too,” Nicole argues. “She was just as much our mom as she was yours.”
Exactly
it’s important to remember both the good and the bad because together they keep us grateful and grounded.
Because I know now is guaranteed, but tomorrow may never come.
Dad would never hurt anyone. But he did. He hurt all of us when he picked up and left.
“Guilt can eat you slowly or swallow you whole.”
I guess it’s hard to stay healthy when you have a broken heart.
But I think when you fall in love with a person and never fall out of love, they always look the same as how you first saw them.
Even the most perfect things crumble under pressure.
think that people dislike something for one of two reasons: we truly dislike it, or we dislike it because it gives us an opportunity to value something else more.
“Just because you’re a parent doesn’t mean you can’t do bad things. Ted Bundy had a daughter and so did the BTK killer. I’m sure their children told themselves, But he’s our dad. He could never . . . Anyone can do anything at any time,” I say, staring directly at my sister.
I can spot my children from anywhere, regardless of the distance, even if my eyes were blindfolded. Mothers just know.
But I know the worst things always happen in an instant, and once you’ve experienced it, you’ll forever be on the lookout, bracing yourself for it to happen again. It’s both a blessing and a curse because it forces you to live in the moment while also fearing the next.
At the top of the driveway, I briefly look across the street where his childhood home sits. Only it’s no longer a home. It’s a house. A home has joy, but they were robbed of theirs back in 1999.
It’s a bond that can never be severed, for the love between a mother and her child is infinite.
“Feeling dead while your body still walks this earth is far worse than being dead.”
It’s easy to become a cynic when you live in a cynical world, where best intentions are not true intentions, where trust feels more like a religion—not one you practice, just one you go along with in case there is a God in the end.
Emotional tears are thicker, fatty sacks of protein. They fall slowly, clinging to our cheeks, declaring to those around us that we need help, that we cannot cope on our own.
You can know a person your whole life but never really know them. Because they only have to show you what they want you to see.
So true!!
Parents have a blind spot for their children.
I’ve always had a tendency to look for the highs in life, even before the car accident.
Addiction is like having your arm in a vise. You can’t loosen the grip. You can’t pull away. You just have to learn to live with it.
Sometimes life gets old before we do.
