Relationships: A Mess Worth Making

by Timothy S. Lane

No human being was ever meant to be the source of personal joy and contentment for someone else.

When I remember that Christ has given me everything I need to be the person he has designed me to be, I am free to serve and love you. When I know who I am, I am free to be humble, gentle, patient, forbearing, and loving as we navigate the inevitable messiness of relationships. Is there evidence that you are looking to your relationships to give you things you have already been given in Christ?

Our hearts are always under the control of something, and whatever controls your heart will control your behavior.

Real love and esteem for other people are always rooted in our worship of God.

To love you as I should, I must worship God as Creator

If I do not see the wise work of the Creator when I look at you, it will affect the way I relate to you.

You are the creature you are because of his beautiful plan.

If I am going to love you as I should, I must worship God as Sovereign

If I fail to honor God’s sovereignty in the influences he has placed in your life and the way those influences have shaped you, I will attempt to take God’s place and clone you into my image. I will tend to think my way is better than your way, my culture better than your culture, and my customs and manners more appropriate than yours. I will be constantly frustrated by you and even more frustrated by my attempts to remake you into my image.

We simply are not the same because God decided to write different stories for us. And he has placed us next to one another because that is exactly where he knew we needed to be for our good and for the fulfillment of his loving purposes on earth.

To love you as I should, I must worship God as Savior

Worshiping God as Savior means that I acknowledge that I am a sinner in relationship with other sinners.

When I fail to worship God as Savior, I am too casual about my sin and too focused on yours.

The character developed in a thousand little moments is what you carry into the big, important moments.

Your everyday communication influences the shape, quality, and direction of your relationships.

Because our talk lives in the world of the ordinary, it is easy to forget its true significance. It is easy to forget the impact our words have on every relationship.

“Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.

Words, in short, have a high and holy calling.

Therefore, if we hope to transform the way we talk with one another, the heart must change first.

God is working in every situation and relationship to reclaim our wandering hearts. He wants to make us people who are more interested in what he wants for us than what we want for ourselves. He will not relent until we are free from our slavery to an agenda of personal happiness. And he calls us to speak in a way that has this reconciliation agenda in view.

Here is the point: Your words are always in pursuit of some kind of kingdom. You are either speaking as a mini-king, seeking to establish your will in your relationships and circumstances; or you are speaking as an ambassador, seeking to be part of what the King is doing.

When we use words to establish our will rather than submit to God’s, we plunge into difficulty. If we are ever going to be helped, this is where we must start.

Wholesome communication is other-centered communication.

Since God is focused on remaking you into his image, I should speak in a way that builds you up.

The words of an ambassador are always other-centered.

An ambassador is always asking,

“What is the problem at this moment?” Before I speak, I must think about what you are struggling with and what you most need.

An ambassador’s words always address the person’s true need of the moment.

Ambassadorial communication is not just about the content of our words, but the manner in which they are spoken.

An ambassador seeks to speak the right thing in the best way.

Conflict with others is one of God’s mysterious, counterintuitive ways of rescuing us from ourselves. God uses it to get us where he wants to take us before we die. Because we don’t usually think that trials can be used in such a positive way, this truth catches us by surprise. But it shouldn’t. All kinds of suffering, including conflict with others, can be redemptive because of the grace of God. By redemptive, we mean that God can use conflict (as well as everything else in our lives) to defeat sin in us and make us more like Christ, with a love for him and others that reflects his nature.

It’s inevitable. If you live with other sinners, you will have conflict. The closer you are to someone, the more potential there is for conflict.

Relationships are costly, but so is avoiding them.

And if what we have been saying about the triune God is true, you must move toward people, not away from them.

All you need is a heart that is ready and willing to hear the answer.

Why do we fight with one another?

Our typical response to conflict is to point the finger at our opponent. We feel justified because the person often has done something annoying, frustrating, or even downright sinful! But James doesn’t let us off the hook that easily. He makes it clear that even if someone has sinned against us, the reason we

fight is because there is something wrong going on inside us!

All desires are not wrong. But a selfish desire is.

These things are not sinful in and of themselves until they turn selfish.

As soon as they are divorced from God’s glory and the needs of others, they become self-glorifying and self-serving. In other words, God’s glory and love of neighbor have been replaced with self-glory and self-love. Do

What has become more important to me than my relationship with God?

An absolutely holy God, who will not and cannot tolerate sin, has made us his bride and friend through Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection!

What was more important to me than God’s glory?

Question 3: What does God do with people who forsake him for something else?

So it is with God. God is not indifferent when we are unfaithful to him. He is a jealous God who cares deeply about his relationship with us. Even when we stray and find ourselves in the arms of false lovers, he is roused to act on our behalf. God pursues us for our good,

What do you think God typically uses to regain our affection? Ironically, he uses other people! That is one of the blessings of conflict. He uses the difficult seasons in our relationships to allow us to see what we typically live for besides him.

God uses other people to mysteriously and counterintuitively rescue us from self-glory and self-love. Why does he do that? Because he loves us more than we love ourselves!

4: Once we are rescued, what should we do?

grow in the joy of daily repentance and faith. Seeing, admitting, confessing, and forsaking sin (repentance), in combination with seeing, acknowledging, and adoring Christ (faith), is the only dynamic that can change a war-maker into a peacemaker.