Gender Theory

by Madeline Docherty

I think you have to be good at talking about your feelings to be a poet. He laughs. Okay. Don’t love that you laughed at that. You can tell that he’s smiling when he replies, Sorry, sorry. Rude of me.

You try to interrupt but he talks over you. No, let me say this. I know you don’t want me to help, but I want to do things for you. I want to help you. I’m sorry if that embarrasses you. You smile. It doesn’t embarrass me; it makes me feel cared about. That’s good.

We’re on our own here. You nod. So am I.

You are not supposed to be someone who thinks this way anymore, you are supposed to be new. Dr Simpson told you to disclose your condition to your next employer and discuss reasonable adjustments that would make it easier for you to be a good employee. She told you that endometriosis is classed as a chronic pain condition that can make it difficult to work, that you are not lazy, just sick.

You can’t believe how exhausting it is to keep yourself together every day, to cook nourishing meals, to walk outside and keep your room clean. You listen to a podcast about mindful drinking as you walk back to your flat and wonder if trying to like yourself will always be this hard, this constant.

You realise now that nobody has ever forced you to do this, that you made the decision to erase yourself all on your own. You can blame drugs, or alcohol, or sex, but you never had an issue with those things, not really. You have spent years using anything you can find to hurt yourself.

i realise now how much pressure that is to put on someone, especially the person i love the most. that feels strange to write because we never say it but i do love you. i know now that you never felt my love, you just felt my need. that must have been maddening.

i was vindicated knowing that there was something physically wrong with me. that I was separate from other people. i know that’s self-absorbed.

i want to be in your life in a way that isn’t draining for you. i don’t know how to do that yet and i’ll probably fuck up loads but i am asking you anyway, even though i feel so vulnerable I want to die.