When the Body Says No

by Gabor Maté

In proximate separations the parents are physically present but emotionally absent. Such parent-child interactions are increasingly the norm in our hyperstressed society. The levels of physiological stress experienced by the child during proximate separation approaches the levels experienced during physical separation. Proximate separation affects the young child on the unconscious physiological levels rather than on the conscious thought-feeling levels. It will not be recalled later as the adult looks back on his childhood experience, but it is entrenched as the biology of loss. Experiences of proximate separation become part of the person’s psychological programming: people “trained” in this way in childhood are likely to choose adult relationships that re-enact repeated proximate separation dynamics. They may, for example, choose partners who do not understand, accept or appreciate them for who they are. Thus the physiological stresses induced by proximal separation will also continue to be repeated in adult life—and, again, often without conscious awareness.