The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Proven Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind

by Daniel J. Siegel

Likewise, when she is in a state of integration, she demonstrates the qualities we associate with someone who is mentally and emotionally healthy: she is flexible, adaptive, stable, and able to understand herself and the world around her.

The drive to understand why things happen to us is so strong that the brain will continue to try making sense of an experience until it succeeds.

Memories shape our current perceptions by causing us to anticipate what will happen next.

Notice that the main thing Tina did here was to tell the story of where her son’s fears came from. She used narrative to help his implicit memories become explicit and full of meaning, so they wouldn’t act on him with such hidden power.

When the images and sensations of experience remain in implicit- only form, when they haven’t been integrated by the hippocampus, they exist in isolation from one another as a jumbled mess in our brain. Instead of having a clear and whole picture, a completed jigsaw puzzle, our implicit memories remain scattered puzzle pieces. We therefore lack clarity about our own unfolding narrative, which explicitly defines who we are.

Studies have clearly shown that the very act of recalling and expressing an event through journaling can improve immune and heart function, as well as general well- being. More to the point here, though, it gives kids a chance to tell their stories, which aids them in the meaning-making process that improves their ability to understand their past and present experiences.

One of the best ways to begin orienting kids to what’s on their rim is to help them learn to SIFT through all the sensations, images, feelings, and thoughts that are affecting them.

But happiness and fulfillment result from being connected to others while still maintaining a unique identity.

The point is that you’re helping your kids demonstrate acts of love and contrition that show they’ve thought about another’s feelings and want to find a way to repair the rupture in the relationship.

Too often we forget that “discipline” really means “to teach”—not “to punish.” A disciple is a student, not a recipient of behavioral consequences.

While it’s not exactly a revelation that kids do better when they enjoy strong relationships with their parents, what may surprise you is what produces this kind of parent-child connection. It’s not how our parents raised us, or how many parenting books we’ve read. It’s actually how well we’ve made sense of our experiences with our own parents and how sensitive we are to our children that most powerfully influence our relationship with our kids, and therefore how well they thrive.