The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Proven Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind

by Daniel J. Siegel

One trick for younger school- age kids is to play a guessing game when you pick them up from school. Say, “Tell me two things that really happened today, and one thing that didn’t. Then I’ll guess which two are true.”

“mindsight,” and as he explains in his book of the same name, the simplest meaning of the word comes down to two things: understanding our own mind as well as understanding the mind of another.

What You Can Do: Introducing Your Child to the Power of Mindsight Whole-Brain Strategy #8: Let the Clouds of Emotions Roll By: Teaching That Feelings Come and Go

feelings need to be recognized for what they are: temporary, changing conditions. They are states, not traits.

Rain is real, and we’d be foolish to stand in a downpour and act as if it weren’t actually raining. But we’d be just as foolish to expect that the sun will never reappear.

“I’m not dumb; I just feel dumb right now.”

Whole-Brain Strategy #9: SIFT: Paying Attention to What’s Going On Inside

They can learn to recognize stomach butterflies as markers of anxiety, a desire to hit as anger or frustration, heavy shoulders as sadness, and so on.

if we are thinking hostile thoughts, we can increase a feeling of anger that in turn can make our body’s muscles tense up.

They can then see that they don’t have to be victims of the sensations, images, feelings, and thoughts within them, and decide how they think and feel about their experiences.

So while we want to help our kids integrate their left and right brain, their upstairs and downstairs brain, their implicit and explicit memories, and so on, we also need to help them understand the extent to which they are connected to their family, friends, classmates, and other people in their communities.

Mirror neurons may also explain why younger siblings are sometimes better at sports. Before they ever join their own team, their mirror neurons have fired each of the hundreds of times they’ve watched their older siblings hit, kick, and throw a ball.

In short, they learn whether relationships will leave them feeling alone and unseen; anxious and confused; or felt, understood, and securely cared for.

Game.” Researchers who study human personality tell us that shyness is to a large extent genetic. It’s

What You Can Do: Helping Your Child Integrate Self and Other Whole-Brain Strategy #11: Increase the Family Fun Factory: Making a Point to Enjoy Each Other

The basic concept is similar to what improv comedians do when the audience gives them suggestions and the comedians have to take the random ideas and combine them in funny ways that make some sort of sense. If you and your kids are performers, you can actually do this kind of improv together.

See Through the Other Person’s Eyes: Help Kids Recognize Other Points of View

We see what we see, and often only what we want to see.

Listen to What’s Not Being Said: Teach Kids About Nonverbal Communication and Attuning to Others It’s great that we teach

Repair: Teach Kids to Make Things Right After a Conflict

We know the importance of apologizing, and we teach our children to say they’re sorry. But kids also need to realize that at times, that’s only the beginning. Sometimes they need to take steps to right whatever they’ve done wrong.

However you do it, it’s important that you begin getting clear on your own story, because through mirror neurons and implicit memory, we directly pass on our emotional life to our children—for better or for worse.

For a moment, close your eyes and imagine your child holding his child, and realize the power of what you are passing on.

INTEGRATING THE LEFT AND RIGHT BRAIN • Left + right = clarity and understanding: Help your kids use both the logical left brain and the emotional right brain as a team. • What you can do: • Connect and redirect: When your child is upset, connect first emotionally, right brain to right brain. Then, once your child is more in control and receptive, bring in the left-brain lessons and discipline.

Name it to tame it: When big, right-brain emotions are raging out of control, help your kids tell the story about what’s upsetting them, so their left brain can help make sense of their experience and they can feel more in control.

INTEGRATING THE UPSTAIRS BRAIN AND THE DOWNSTAIRS BRAIN • Develop the upstairs brain: Watch for ways to help build the sophisticated upstairs brain, which is “under construction” during childhood and adolescence and can be “hijacked” by the downstairs brain, especially in high-emotion situations.

What you can do: • Engage, don’t enrage: In high-stress situations, engage your child’s upstairs brain, rather than triggering the downstairs brain. Don’t immediately play the “Because I said so!” card. Instead, ask questions, request alternatives, even negotiate.

Use it or lose it: Provide lots of opportunities to exercise the upstairs brain. Play “What would you do?” games, and avoid rescuing kids from difficult decisions. • Move it or lose it: When a child has lost touch with his upstairs brain, help him regain balance by having him move his body.

Make the implicit explicit: Help your kids make their implicit memories explicit, so that past experiences don’t affect them in debilitating ways.

What you can do: • Use the remote of the mind: When a child is reluctant to narrate a painful event, the internal remote lets her pause, rewind, and fast-forward a story as she tells it, so she can maintain control over how much of it she views.

Remember to remember: Help your kids exercise their memory by giving them lots of practice at recalling important events: in the car, at the dinner table, wherever.

The wheel of awareness: When your kids get stuck on one particular point on the rim of their wheel of awareness, help them choose where they focus their attention so they can gain more control over how they feel.

Let the clouds of emotion roll by: Remind kids that feelings come and go; they are temporary states, not enduring traits.

SIFT: Help your children pay attention to the Sensations, Images, Feelings, and Thoughts within them. • Exercise mindsight: Mindsight practices teach children to calm themselves and focus their attention where they want.

INTEGRATING SELF AND OTHER • Wired for “we”: Watch for ways to capitalize on the brain’s built-in capacity for social interaction. Create positive mental models of relationships. •

What you can do: • Enjoy each other: Build fun into the family, so that your kids enjoy positive and satisfying experiences with the people they’re with the most.