Total Forgiveness: Achieving God's Greatest Challenge

by R T Kendall Ministries Inc.

1 Being aware of what someone has done and still forgiving them

Total forgiveness is only fulfilled when we know what someone has done without any denial or covering up for them – and yet still refusing to make or let them pay.

Total forgiveness is painful. It hurts when we kiss revenge goodbye. It hurts to think of that person getting away with what they did and nobody knowing. But when I know fully what they did, and accept in my heart that they will be blessed without any consequences for their wrong, I have crossed over into the supernatural. This means I have begun to be a little bit like Jesus.

2 It is a choice to keep no records of wrong

Love ‘keeps no record of wrongs’ (1 Cor. 13:5). Why do we keep records? To use them. To prove what happened. To wave it before someone who doubts what actually happened. A husband may say to his wife in a moment of anger, ‘I’ll remember that.’ And he does! She may say to him, ‘I can never forget this.’ And she doesn’t! So many marriages could be healed overnight if both parties would stop pointing the finger. Pointing the finger, a common problem in human history (Isa. 58:9), shows that one has kept a record of wrongs. Love is a choice. Total forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling – at first – but an act of the will. It is the choice to tear up the record of wrong. As we observed above, we clearly see the evil that was done, but we erase it – or destroy the record – before it becomes lodged in the heart. This way, resentment does not have a chance to grow. But when we say, ‘I’ll remember that’, when we have been hurt or maligned, we fertilise the soil then and there for an abiding resentment. When we develop a lifestyle of total forgiveness we learn to erase the wrong rather than file it ...

3 Refusing to...

By nature we cannot bear the thought that they have got away with what they have done; it seems so unfair. Therefore we want vengeance – namely, their just punishment. The fear that they won’t get punished is the opposite of perfect love. This is why John said: ‘There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The man who fears is not made perfect in love’ (1 John 4:18).

When perfect love – the love of Jesus and the fruit of the Holy Spirit – enters, the desire for our enemy to be punished leaves.

Therefore total forgiveness is refusing to punish. It is refusing to cave into the fear that this person or those people won’t get their ‘come-uppance’ – the punishment or rebuke we think they deserve.

Vindication is God’s prerogative and God’s prerogative alone. Deuteronomy 32:35 – ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay’ – is quoted twice in the New Testament (Rom. 12:19; Heb. 10:30). Vindication is what God does best. He doesn’t want our help. So when we refuse to punish – and God likes that – it sets him free to decide what should be done. But if we manœuvre our way into his expertise he may well let us do it, but neither divine vengeance nor true justice will be carried out – only our personal grudge.

We must ask ourselves, how much in what I am about to say or do is but an attempt to punish?

4 Not telling what they did

there may be a need to tell somebody about your own hurt, and this can be therapeutic. But you should tell maybe only one other person and be sure that person will never repeat it. Telling a person with the purpose of hurting another’s reputation or credibility is but wanting to punish them. That is why we usually tell – not so much for therapeutic reasons but to keep our enemy from being admired. I tell what that person did to me so that you will think less of them. It is my attempt to punish

But when I recall that total forgiveness is forgiving others as I have been forgiven it means: (1) I won’t be punished for my sins; and (2) nobody will know about my sins, for sins under the blood of Christ will not be exposed or held against me. Therefore when I blurt out what ‘they did to me’ I am apparently forgetting that God will not tell what I did to him.

If you do share your hurt with someone, I would urge you to be very sure that you aren’t doing it to punish the ‘offender’ by making them look bad:

Who steals my purse, steals trash; ’Twas mine, ’tis his, and has been slave to thousands. But he that filches from me my good name Robs me of that which not enriches him, And makes me poor indeed. From Othello, by William Shakespeare

5 Being m...

‘Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown me...

how can God be just and merciful at the same time? By merciful, it means that God does not want to punish us; by just, it means he must punish us because we have sinned against him. So how can he be both simultaneously? Answer: he sent his Son Jesus Christ – the God-man – who died on a cross for us.

When it comes to being merciful, this is our Lord’s command: ‘Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful’ (Luke 6:36). In the Greek language this is the opposite of wrath or justice. Being merciful is not giving justice, but the opposite. One difference between grace and mercy is that grace is getting what we don’t deserve (favour) and mercy is not getting what we do deserve (justice). So when we show mercy we are withholding justice from those who have injured us. That is godliness.

There is a fringe benefit in this for us if we show mercy: we will be shown mercy. This goes to show that total forgiveness is not devoid of an element of self-interest: ‘The merciful man doeth good to his own soul’ (Prov. 11:17 AV).

6 Gracio...

This is showing grace and mercy at the same time. There is an interesting Greek word erikes, that means ‘forbearance’ or ‘tolerance’. It comes from a root word that means the opposite of being unduly rigorous. In Hellenistic literature Aristotle contrasted it with severely judging. The ide...

‘graciousness’. It is an exceedingly rare quality. It is a word that cuts right across a legalistic spirit (which comes naturally to many of us). It is a concept that is quite threatening to those of us who don’t suffer fools gladly, we who feel that being inflexible for the truth is the ultimate virtue.

When a group of self-righteous religious leaders led a woman to Jesus who was found in the act of adultery, there was no question that sin had taken place. But what was our Lord’s attitude? Graciousness. They wanted to see if he would throw the book at the woman. ‘When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her” ’ (John 8:7). One by one, the accusers slipped away. ‘Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no-one condemned you?” “No-one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin” ’ (John 8:10–11). In this case it was not a question of whether wrong had taken place. But our Lord’s attitude was to be gracious.

But graciousness is withholding certain facts you know to be true. It is demonstrated by what you don’t say, although what you could say would be true. Self-righteous people find it almost impossible to be gracious; they claim always to be after ‘the truth’.

Total forgiveness is graciousness that will sometimes mean overlooking the truth, and not letting on that you know anything that could damage a person in any way.

7 It is an inner ...

Total forgiveness must take place in the heart for otherwise it is worthless. ‘For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks’ (Matt. 12:34). If we have not truly forgiven, in our hearts, those who have hurt us, then it will come out – sooner or later. But if f...

It is for this reason that reconciliation is not always essential to total forgiveness. If it takes place in the heart, one does not need to know whether one’s enemy will reconcile. If I have forgiven him or her in my heart of hearts, and he doesn’t want to speak to me, I can still have the inner victory. It is true that it is far easier to forgive when we know that those who maligned or betrayed us are sorry; but if I must have this before I can forgive, I may never ever have a victory.

If someone tells me that I am not required to forgive unless the other person repent first and says, ‘I’m sorry’, then I answer: Jesus’ example on the cross is good enough for me. ‘Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots’ (Luke 23:34). If he had waited until they felt any guilt or shame for their words and actions, then Jesus would never have forgiven them.

It is my own experience that most people we must forgive do not believe they have done anything wrong whatsoever; or if they did something wrong they believe it was justifiable. I would go so far as to say that 90 per cent (at least) of all the people I’ve ever had to forgive would be indignant at the thought that they had done something wrong. If you put them under a lie-detector test they could hone...

Total forgiveness therefore must take place in the heart; and if it is a genuine experience in the heart, I will not be devastated if there is no reconciliation. For if those who hurt me don’t want to make up,...

‘Dear friends, if our hearts [my italics] do not condemn us, we have confidence before God’ (1 John 3:21). Confidence towards God is ultimately what total forgiveness is all about; it is he I want to please at the end of the day. He cares and knows whether I have truly and totally forgiven, and when I know I have his love and approval I am one very happy and contented servant of Christ.

8 It is the absence of bitterness

Bitterness is an inward condition. It is an excessive desire for vengeance that co...

and is one of the most frequent causes for people to miss out on the grace of God: ‘See to it that no-one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many’ (Heb. 12:15).

A high level of bitterness is a virtual guarantee for having no peace of mind, but getting rid of it is an open invitation for the Holy Spirit to give you his peace, joy and knowledge of his will.

This is extremely important when it comes to the matter of reconciliation. Let us say, for example, your best friend has had an affair with your wife. Must you forgive him? Yes, but it does not follow that you will remain close friends. If I have totally forgiven the person who has hurt me – that is, I have no bitterness – then I need not feel the slightest guilt or shame for not wanting a complete restoration of that relationship. Or even if there never was a friendship in the first place, but someone wants to destroy me, I must totally forgive them – and see it as entirely reasonable that I don’t want to lunch with them every Sunday.

But how can I know that there is no bitterness left? I would reply: (1) when there is no desire to get even or punish, (2) when I do or say nothing that would hurt their reputation or future, and (3) when I truly wish them well in all they seek to do.

9 Forgiving God

The truth is, our bitterness is often aimed at God. Why? Because he allowed bad things to happen. Since he is all-powerful and all-knowing, he could have prevented these things from happening. He has allowed us to suffer when we didn’t do anything that we know of to warrant such ill-treatment. Therefore what we are ultimately thinking is that God is to blame for our hurt.

Only a fool would claim to know the full answer to the question ‘Why does God allow evil and suffering to continue when he has the power to stop it?’

God did not send his Son into the world to explain evil, but rather to save us and to exemplify suffering.

As for all the unhappy things he has allowed to happen to me, I affirm his justice. He is God. He knows exactly what he is doing and why; he knows why he allows things to take place that he could have stopped.

We therefore must forgive him – but not because he is guilty, but for allowing evil to touch our lives. But if we will lower our voices and patiently wait for God’s purposes to be fulfilled, then one day – and this is a guarantee – we will say that he has done all things well, even in what he permitted. He was never guilty in the first place, but because he sometimes appears to us to have been unfair, we must set him free before we can effectively move on in our lives.

10 Forgiving ourselves

Total forgiveness, then, means forgiving people – totally – and also forgiving God. But it also means ...

there is no lasting joy in forgiveness if it doesn’t include forgiving myself. It is anything but total forgiveness if we forgive God and those who have hurt us, but are unable to forgive ourselves. It is as wrong as not forgiving others, because God loves us as much as he does others and will be as unhappy when we don’t forgive ourselves as when we hold a grudge against others. In a word: we matter to God. He wants our joy. He not only wants us to forgive ourselves but wants it urgently.

Total forgiveness brings such joy and satisfaction that one is tempted to call it a selfish enterprise.