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I wasn’t in Cousins. Conrad and I weren’t together, and Susannah was dead.
STARTING THE BOOK OFF LIKE THIS IS DIABOLICAL
When a person you love dies, it doesn’t feel real. It’s like it’s happening to someone else. It’s someone else’s life. I’ve never been good with the abstract. What does it mean when someone is really and truly gone?
The music from Marcy’s iPod deck was giving me a headache.
OMG an ipod deck what a throwback
It’s scary how easy promises were broken. Just like that.
And no matter what you do or how hard you try, you can’t stop yourself from dreaming.
I thought I knew what heartbreak felt like. I thought heartbreak was me, standing alone at the prom. That was nothing. This, this was heartbreak. The pain in your chest, the ache behind your eyes. The knowing that things will never be the same again. It’s all relative, I suppose. You think you know love, you think you know real pain, but you don’t. You don’t know anything.
There are moments in life that you wish with all your heart you could take back. Like, just erase from existence. Like, if you could, you’d erase yourself right out of existence too, just to make that moment not exist.
But the look on his face. I’ll never forget it. The look on his face made me want to die. It confirmed every mean and low thing I’d ever thought about myself, the stuff you hope and pray no one will ever know about you. Because if they knew, they would see the real you, and they would despise you.
I wanted to tell Conrad that he had no right. That he’d ignored her all these years, that he couldn’t just decide to take her just because he felt like it.
but he hadn’t ignored her????
She was always going to pick Conrad. But we were friends too. How many times had she called me since my mom died? Twice? A few texts and emails?
okay yeah that is pretty shitty of her
“So, okay then. So has your teacher taught you SOH-CAH-TOA yet?”
SOH-CAH-TOA PERIODDDDDD
Me, I was thinking about the last time I headed down this road. Only, it hadn’t been with Jeremiah. It had been with Conrad.
I KNOW YOU GET DEJA VU
He took his time; he ran his hand along the bottom of my hair, the way you do when you walk past hanging wind chimes.
I laughed and said, “That’s because you’re coldhearted.” He put my hands in his coat pockets and said in a voice so soft I wondered if I heard him right, “For everyone else, maybe. But not for you.” He didn’t look at me when he said it, which is how I knew he meant it.
But I didn’t regret it. I never regretted it, not for one second. How do you regret one of the best nights of your entire life? You don’t. You remember every word, every look. Even when it hurts, you still remember.
I wanted to memorize it all in case I didn’t get to come back again. You never know the last time you’ll see a place. A person.
“When you swim,” he started to say. I thought he wasn’t going to continue, but then he said, “You wouldn’t notice if the house was on fire. You’re so into what you’re doing, it’s like you’re someplace else.” He said it with grudging respect. Like he’d been watching me for a long time, like he’d been watching me for years. Which I guess he had.
It was Steven’s ringtone, a Taylor Swift song he pretended to hate but secretly loved.
HEY STEPHEN I KNOW LOOKS CAN BE DECEIVING
“Suze, if you baby him, he’ll never learn. He’ll just stay a little baby,”
and you know what he kinda did
didn’t want my love to fade away one day like an old scar. I wanted it to burn forever.
Taylor was the crappy friend, not me. She was the selfish one.
NEWS FLASH YOU BOTH ARE
But maybe now that Conrad wasn’t standing in the way, she’d see me there too.
BUT HE IS ALWAYS GONNA BE THERE JERE
“What the hell, Laurel? Did you really think you could railroad me into changing my mind?” “Excuse me, but fuck you.”
laurel is such a baddie
“She’s everywhere here. She’s everywhere.”
BUT IM IN THE TREES IM IN THE BREEZE MY FOOTSTEPS ON THE GROUND YOULL SEE MY FACE IN EVERY PLACE BUT YOU CANT CATCH ME NOW
Happiness is a Slurpee and a hot pink straw.
facts
“I thought your specialty was cocoa.” I stared at him. Did he really just say that? Did he remember? The way he looked back at me, one eyebrow raised, I knew he did. And this time, I was the one to look away. Because I remembered. I remembered everything.
AHHHHHHH
“Do you still—” Care. Think about me. Want me. Roughly, he said, “Yes. Yes, I still.” And then we were kissing again.
HOW ARE YOU GONNA GO FROM ASKING IF CONRAD STILL THINKS ABOUT YOU TO MAKING OUT WITH JEREMIAH
“If you like Jeremiah, why are you wearing my necklace?”
EXACTLY
“Go to Jeremiah. He’s the one who wants you,” Conrad said. “I don’t. I never did.”
CONRAD WHYYYYY 😭😭😭😭
“Earlier, when I said I never wanted you. I didn’t mean it.” My breath caught. I didn’t know what to say or if I was even supposed to say anything. All I knew was, this was what I’d been waiting for. This exact moment. Exactly this. I opened my mouth to speak, and then he said it again. “I didn’t mean it.” I held my breath, waiting to hear what he’d say next. All he said was, “Good night, Belly.”
WHY HE GOTTA PLAY THESE GAMES
We stood there, looking at each other, saying nothing. But it was the kind of nothing that meant everything.
I looked at him, and I thought, If I was very brave or very honest, I would tell him. I would say it, so he would know it and I would know it, and I could never take it back. But I wasn’t that brave or honest, so all I did was look at him. And I think he knew anyway.
CAN YOU BE BRAVE AND TALK TO EACH OTHER ABOUT THIS FOR ONCE THOUGH
I release you. I evict you from my heart. Because if I don’t do it now, I never will.
