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I listened in amazement. I had always been aware of the part that parents played in shaping their children's lives, but never until this moment had I considered how powerfully siblings could affect each other's destiny. Yet here was one grown man saying he still has to be the boss; another who is still driving himself to keep up, a woman who still feels she can never measure up; and another who is still suffering from having to be “the good girl.” And mainly because of who their siblings happened to be.
“As I see it,” a man commented, “the whole thing is a genetic crapshoot. If you're lucky, you get a winning combination of kids whose personalities go well together. If not, you're in trouble. But either way, folks, it's out of our hands.” “I don't accept that it's ‘out of our hands,’” another woman retorted.
“Instead of worrying about the boys becoming friends,” I explained, “I began to think about how to equip them with the attitudes and skills they'd need for all their caring relationships. There was so much for them to know. I didn't want them hung up all their lives on who was right and who was wrong.
Even if their personalities were such that they never could be friends, at least they would have the power to make a friend and be a friend.”
“It's important to make a distinction between allowing feelings and allowing actions,” I replied. “We permit children to express all their feelings. We don't permit them to hurt each other. Our job is to show them how to express their anger without doing damage.”
“Maybe when my son complains to me again about how Grandma spends too much time with the baby, I ought to say something like, ‘You wish she'd spend more time with you.’” “The next time Lori tries to hit her brother, I'll tell her to put her anger in her voice instead of her hands.”
BROTHERS AND SISTERS NEED TO HAVE THEIR FEELINGS ABOUT EACH OTHER ACKNOWLEDGED
CHILDREN NEED TO HAVE THEIR HURTFUL ACTIONS STOPPED
AND SHOWN HOW TO DISCHARGE ANGRY FEELINGS ACCEPTABLY
“I'm sure you can imagine how that would feel if that were done to you.” Now he has to think, “Can I imagine it? What would it feel like?” But he doesn't have to answer to anyone except himself. And that's good enough.
The moment I heard it, I thought of psychologist Dorothy Baruch's persistent theme: Not till the bad feelings come out can the good ones come in.
Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Allowing for bad feelings between the children led to good feelings.
‘Never compare yourself to others. You'll become either vain or bitter.’
“When my kids were young, I swore to myself that I would never compare them. But I did it anyway—over and over again.”
AVOID UNFAVORABLE COMPARISONS.
AVOID FAVORABLE COMPARISONS.
RESIST THE URGE TO COMPARE
“Like when they bellyache that you're not fair or that you ‘gave her more’ or ‘love him better.’” “You can tell yourself,” I answered, “that even though they seem to want everything the same, they don't really.”
“To be loved equally,” I continued, “is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely—for one's own special self—is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.”
By valuing and being partial to each child's individuality, we make sure that each of our children feels like a number one child.”
CHILDREN DON'T NEED TO BE TREATED EQUALLY. THEY NEED TO BE TREATED UNIQUELY.
put my arm around Claudia and said, “I think Grandma is worried. But we're not. We know that in this family each child gets what's right for her. Sometimes Gretchen will get, and sometimes Claudia will get, but in the end everybody's needs will be met.” I couldn't believe what had come out of my mouth.
How could she talk that way in front of them? Did she think they didn't hear her? Or understand? She had each boy pegged, locked into his role, and was totally oblivious to the damage she was doing—not only to each boy individually, but to their future relationship.
Maybe we needed to discuss how casting kids in roles could create the bad feelings that lead to fighting. Otherwise we'd be treating the symptom without understanding one of the major causes.
Why did I feel I had to make David the “responsible one?” Why in the world would I encourage him to view himself as being somehow superior to his brother? Was it because I was feeling sorry for him, all alone in that little dormitory room? So sorry that I had to give him a boost at his brother's expense? And I was indignant at what my neighbor was doing to her boys!
We needed more understanding of what lay behind our impulse to cast our children into roles. We needed to explore, not only how a given role affects each child individually, but how each child's role affects the other siblings, and ultimately their relationship with each other.
“To this day I feel something is wrong if I'm not being the funny one . . . the neat one . . . the responsible one.”
“The turning point came when the boys were about ten and seven. I was in a session with Dr. Ginott and heard him say something about treating our children, not as they are, but as we hoped they would become.
“The point you made earlier is true: Children are born with different personality traits. But as parents we have the power to influence those traits, to give nature a helping hand. Let's use our power wisely. Let's not place our children in roles that will defeat them.”
LET NO ONE LOCK A CHILD INTO A ROLE
NO MORE PROBLEM CHILDREN. INSTEAD OF FOCUSING ON CHILDREN'S DISABILITIES, FOCUS ON THEIR ABILITIES.
CHILDREN WITH PROBLEMS DO NOT NEED TO BE VIEWED AS PROBLEM CHILDREN.
“By the time we left each other, we each had a sense of completion, as if we had found a missing part of ourselves. And we knew we were both okay. It wasn't as if either one of us was an evil person. He was a nice guy, and I was a nice guy. Just two nice guys trying to grapple with the frustrations of being brothers. And two nice parents who had tried to do their best.”
Amy's mother listened and beamed at us all. “Know how it was for me?” she asked. By playing Amy, by putting myself in her shoes, I felt for her. And I began to see things from her point of view. I can't wait to get home today so I can play the part of the real mother.”
My five-year-old daughter had a cold and so I asked her to stay away from the new baby. As the day wore on I told her over and over again to keep away from the baby, but to no avail. Finally, I decided to write a note to her as if it were written by the baby. Here's what I wrote: Dear Elizabeth, When you are better, you can hold me as much as you want. Love, Emily Elizabeth was thrilled with the note. She had me read it to her at least fifteen to twenty times over the next few days. And she stayed away from the baby.
