How To Talk: Siblings Without Rivalry

by Adele Faber

“It's important to make a distinction between allowing feelings and allowing actions,” I replied. “We permit children to express all their feelings. We don't permit them to hurt each other. Our job is to show them how to express their anger without doing damage.”

ACKNOWLEDGE THE FEELINGS.

BROTHERS AND SISTERS NEED TO HAVE THEIR FEELINGS ABOUT EACH OTHER ACKNOWLEDGED

bought each of her children a notebook, a personal “gripe-book” to write or draw in when they were mad at each other. The books were put to immediate use, and there was a noticeable reduction in the amount of running to mother.

Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Allowing for bad feelings between the children led to good feelings.

“To be loved equally,” I continued, “is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely—for one's own special self—is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.”

treating our children, not as they are, but as we hoped they would become. That

Children are born with different personality traits. But as parents we have the power to influence those traits, to give nature a helping hand. Let's use our power wisely. Let's not place our children in roles that will defeat them.”