The Xenophobe's Guide to the English (Xenophobe's Guides Book 11)

by Antony Miall

Programmes aimed at the more intellectual members of society are screened late at night so as to cause the least inconvenience to the majority.

“England has cornered the market in films which suggest that life is generally a bit of a disappointment.”

The English take masochistic pride in the unreliability of their public transport. Every year, the railways are taken completely by surprise by the wholly unexpected phenomena known as ‘autumn’ and ‘winter’. Trains are delayed and cancelled due to such freaks of nature as ‘leaves on the line’ and ‘snow’.

Driving on the left is traditional and therefore, to the English, indisputably best. The custom dates back to the time when the horse was the main means of getting about, and you kept to the left so as to leave your sword arm free to defend yourself. Nowadays the right arm is usually extended through the open window to reinforce the helpful hints being offered to other motorists.

There is no Bill of Rights for citizens. The English say they don’t need one. They vigorously defend ‘the traditional liberties of an Englishman’, but since these too have never been written down no-one knows what they are – but everyone is still strongly in favour of them, whatever they may be. Where other countries give their citizens specific ‘rights’, the English take a broader view by assuming they have a right to do anything that is not specifically prohibited. After all (as their reasoning goes) having a list of things you can’t do leaves plenty of scope for the imaginative person to dream up things the authorities have not got round to making illegal; whereas having a list of things you can do (as in America) leaves the authorities plenty of scope to find reasons for locking you up.