The Xenophobe's Guide to the English (Xenophobe's Guides Book 11)

by Antony Miall

if something tastes good it must be bad for you; and if it’s unpleasant, it must be good for you.

Animals, especially pets, are vital to English life because pet-owning is for many English people the closest they ever get to an emotional relationship with another being.

‘The police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged the first one and let the other one off.’

‘Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other “Does this taste funny to you?”’

A man walked into the doctor’s surgery. The doctor said “I haven’t seen you for a long time.” The man re...

Men will live to 77 and women to 81 years of age.

Programmes aimed at the more intellectual members of society are screened late at night so as to cause the least inconvenience to the majority.

Driving on the left is traditional and therefore, to the English, indisputably best. The custom dates back to the time when the horse was the main means of getting about, and you kept to the

left so as to leave your sword arm free to defend yourself.

things happen the way they do because that is the way they always have.

on average, the Germans work 44.9 hours a week, the Italians 42.4 and the English 42.

The secret of its international success is that it has shown respect for all other languages by adopting their words. As someone remarked, ‘The English language leads other languages up dark alleyways and then mugs them for all their good words’. For example: ‘pyjamas’ from Urdu, ‘nosh’ from Yiddish, ‘sofa’ from Arabic, ‘waltz’ from German, ‘cinema’ from Greek, ‘caravan’ from Persian, ‘bog’ from Gaelic, ‘shampoo’ from Hindi, ‘nitwit’ from

Dutch, ‘liaison’ from French, ‘anorak’ from Inuit.

India has more native English speakers than England has.