Love's Executioner

by Irvin D. Yalom

The psychotherapist’s single most valuable practical tool is the “process” focus. Think of process as opposed to content. In a conversation, the content consists of the actual words uttered, the substantive issues discussed; the process, however, is how the content is expressed and especially what this mode of expression reveals about the relationship between the participating individuals. What I had to do was to get away from the content—to stop, for example, attempting to provide simplistic solutions to Betty—and to focus on process—on how we were relating to each other. And there was one outstanding characteristic of our relationship—boredom. And that is precisely where countertransference complicates things: I had to be clear about how much of the boredom was my problem, about how bored I would be with any fat woman. So I proceeded cautiously—too cautiously. My negative feelings slowed me down. I was too afraid of making my aversion visible. I would never have waited so long with a patient I liked more. I spurred myself to get moving. If I were going to be helpful to Betty, I had to sort out, to trust, and to act upon my feelings.