The Chimp Paradox: The Mind Management Program to Help You Achieve Success, Confidence, and Happiness

by Steve Peters

When you were in the womb, two different brains, the frontal (Human) and limbic (Chimp: an emotional machine), developed independently and then introduced themselves to each other by forming connections. The problem is that they found they were not in agreement about most things. Either of these two brains, or beings, could run your life for you, but they try to work together, and therein is the problem.

Key Point The Chimp is an emotional machine that thinks independently from us. It is not good or bad, it is just a Chimp.

Having a Chimp is like owning a dog. You are not responsible for the nature of the dog but you are responsible for managing it and keeping it well behaved. This is a very important point and you should stop and think about this because it is crucial to your happiness and success in life.

Key Point You are not responsible for the nature of your Chimp but you are responsible for managing it.

Key Point One of the secrets of success and happiness is to learn to live with your Chimp and not get bitten or attacked by it. To do this, you need to understand how your Chimp behaves, and why it thinks and acts in the way that it does. You also need to understand your Human and not muddle up your Human with your Chimp.

So whatever you are doing, there are two of you interpreting what is going on and forming an opinion as to what you should do. Sometimes the two of you agree on what to do and there is no problem, but often the two of you disagree. When you disagree, the Chimp is the most powerful and therefore gets control of your thoughts and actions. However, if you recognize what is happening, and have strategies for managing this, you will gain control of your thinking and then you can act in a logical manner.

The Chimp does not necessarily work with facts but it works with what it believes is the truth or with a perception of the truth or, even worse, with a projection of what might be the truth. It is quick to form an impression on little, if any, evidence and usually won’t give way. Of course, some impressions that the Chimp gives us are accurate and helpful, but they can just as easily be wrong.

Here are some of the traits of emotional thinking Jumps to an opinion Thinks in black and white Paranoid Catastrophic Irrational Emotive judgment

The Chimp forms an opinion based on its feelings and impressions and then fixes its opinion. It then searches out evidence to back up its opinion and prove its point. In doing this, it typically twists the facts to fit its opinion and is very unreasonable and irrational if challenged.

The purpose and agenda of the Chimp is survival. The Human’s agenda is to achieve self-fulfillment.

The Chimp uses its sex drive along with other drives to try and fulfill this agenda. Therefore, your Chimp has this drive high on its priority list! A strong sex drive indicates a healthy Chimp. A very close second agenda of the Chimp is self-survival, which includes protecting itself from harm. These two agendas of the Chimp play a very big part in the way that it acts. All Chimps are different and may have different agendas but we will consider the typical Chimp.

By far, the biggest challenge for the individual Human is to live with an animal within that is determined to live by the laws of the jungle and to use extremely powerful drives and instincts to fulfill its own agenda.

The Fight, Flight or Freeze (FFF) response is arguably the most frequently used and most important instinct that our Chimps possess.

If your Chimp is trying to tell you to react to a situation, and you don’t respond in some way by choosing one of the FFF options reassuring the Chimp, then your body will naturally release adrenalin. When this adrenalin is coupled with negative thoughts your Chimp will go into an anxiety state. Anxiety in this example is nature’s way of prompting us to make a decision when under threat. Anxiety typically occurs when you don’t make a decision. It is a perfectly natural response from your Chimp, showing that it is healthy. The answer therefore is to make a decision or reassure the Chimp!

For example, the drive to eat is extremely powerful and your Chimp will probably gorge itself if food is available because there may be no guarantee when the next meal will be. Again, the Human within you will be saying that one doughnut is fine, whereas the Chimp will crave as many as it can eat before it feels full, leaving the Human to pick up the guilt!

Managing your impulsive, emotional Chimp as an adult will be one of the biggest factors determining how successful you are in life.

The golden rule is that whenever have you feelings, thoughts or behaviors that you do not want or welcome, then you are being hijacked by your Chimp.

“But what if…?” is the Chimp’s favorite way to open a question. “But what if it goes wrong?” “But what if I can’t do it?” “But what if the sky falls down?” The Chimp very often unsettles you with “what if” questions. Occasionally the Human asks “what if” questions but these are usually constructive in order to plan rather than useless worrying about things that often can’t be controlled or may not even happen.

Remember that Chimps like to go on how they feel to decide on future actions, whereas Humans tend to go on what needs to be done and also how they will feel at the end of the day when they look back on how they used their time. These are two very different approaches.

Key Point Willpower is not a good way to try and manage your Chimp—don’t arm wrestle the Chimp!

Key Point A chimpanzee is five times as strong as a human being. Similarly, your emotional Chimp is five times stronger than you are. Don’t try to control it, manage it. You need a management plan!

Humans don’t always get it right and Chimps don’t always get it wrong.

It is the Stone of Life that holds the key to stabilizing your entire Universe.

Remember: the values you hold in yourself are likely to be far more important than what you look like or what you can achieve.

True friends like us for our values and personalities, not for our achievements, position and possessions.

In Tony’s situation he broke his leg and began to react. However, let’s assume that he has gotten the Stone of Life in place and has some truths that he has decided to live with. In these truths he has the following absolute beliefs that include: I am an adult and I can deal with any situation. Life is not fair. Everything that happens comes and goes. Disappointments are tough but they need to be kept in perspective. Happiness can be found in many ways. It’s the way you deal with things, not what happens, that gives peace of mind. Every day is precious.

The Stone of Life is the ultimate power source in our Psychological Mind.

The Human, Chimp and Computer all have inherited traits handed down to them. For example, the Chimp inherits various emotional traits, the Human inherits the ability to think logically or artistically and the Computer inherits the ability to form programs for languages or music.

Generally most Chimps are dominated by nature with some input from nurture, whereas most Humans are dominated by nurture with some input from nature. Your Computer is a good mix of the two. All three are different and when they interact they give the final personality presented to the world. So, sometimes you present your Chimp and other times you present your Human. No wonder at times we feel like a split personality! The real personality, that is truly you, is the Human. The Chimp merely hijacks you and presents something that is often not what you want and indeed is not the real you.

Remember: the person that you want to be is the person that you really are.

I once had a question from a colleague who said, “How do you change people?” The answer is that I can’t. I am helping people manage their Chimp and adjust and maintain their Computer. I haven’t changed the Chimp, I can’t change the Chimp and I’m not even attempting to. However, when they manage their Chimp and maintain their Computer then the real person emerges.

Summary key points The Chimp always interprets first before the Human. The Chimp only hands over to the Human if there is no danger or perceived threat. The Human can intervene to stop the Chimp reacting by using facts and truths. The Computer can be programmed to settle the Chimp down before it acts. Personality is a mixture of Human, Chimp and Computer. Nature and nurture both influence your personality. Your Mindset affects the way that you come across. You can work on the Human, Chimp and Computer to adjust your personality. You are the person that you want to be but you are being hijacked by your Chimp into being someone else.

In effect, our relationships with others are very often dictated by our expectation of them and our reactions to them.

The Humanity Center contains areas that evoke such things as guilt, remorse, compassion, empathy and conscience. Psychopaths are typically just cold and calculating individuals that use others to their advantage.

A golden rule for understanding people and situations is to ALWAYS try to establish THE FACTS before you make your assessment.

Humans look for evidence and then draw conclusions. Chimps draw conclusions, then look for evidence to support them.

Successful people don’t make demands of others but set the scene so that the Human in others can respond, rather than their Chimp.

At this point it is wise to remind ourselves of some obvious truths when it comes to expectations of people. These include: Not all people are going to be friendly. Some people never change. Some people never understand. Some people are not going to like you. People and Chimps vary from day to day. No one is all bad. No one is all good. No one is going to agree with everything you say, every time.

The “one in five” rule None of us likes to be unpopular or misunderstood. However, in the real world, being misunderstood or not liked is going to happen. If you took five people from the population and asked them if they liked you or understood you, then you are likely to get the following response. One of them will love you and understand you regardless of what you do or say. That person will be on your side. One of them will dislike you and not understand you, no matter what you do. Three of them will be more balanced and will assess you in an objective manner. This means that you really have to accept that there are a few million people in each of these categories, so expect to have enemies who are against you and don’t like you and criticize you no matter what you do. Often these people are very unreasonable and very vocal and there is nothing you can do to change this. Try to ignore unbalanced and opinionated criticism of you. Rather, listen to the balanced majority who will be supportive and have constructive comments, even though at times they may be critical.

State “I would like you to listen to what I have to say and I would like you not to interrupt me. Thank you.” State “The facts as I perceive them are that I am late and the reason is that I misjudged the time, and for this I apologize.” State “I don’t want you to shout at me.” State “When you shout it makes me feel intimidated.” State “I would like you to speak to me in a quiet voice. Thank you.” Notice the use of the word “I.” It is very important to use “I” and not to say something like, “Please don’t shout at me.” If you think about it, there is nothing wrong with saying “Please don’t shout at me.” It may work well. However, assertiveness with the word “I” is making a statement that tells somebody very clearly that you are not happy with the situation and that you have an opinion about it. “Please don’t shout at me” is a request, not a statement.

Common Chimp agendas A Chimp will want to: Win Express emotion Attack the other person Defend itself Get its point across Not give way or change stance Come out looking good and being innocent If guilty, use excuses of being provoked and being a victim

Human’s method In a confrontational situation, the Human will try to: Remain calm Use “gentle” nonemotional words Listen first See a different point of view Be open to changing stances Recognize that opinions are not facts Reason and discuss Find common ground Use reasoning to try and reach a joint decision Compromise to try and satisfy everybody Accept differences

Preparing yourself is the best thing that you can do to enhance your chances of success in an important conversation.

Speaking steadily will help us to get messages across in the way that we intend and help the other person to listen.

The first use as a communication tool requires some thought. If you want to chop some wood you wouldn’t pick up a screwdriver to do it. Picking the wrong word to use in a conversation can have big consequences. One of the reasons for this is that both the Human and the Chimp in the other person pick up the word. The Human hears the logical aspect of the word used and the Chimp hears the emotional aspect of the word. All of the words that we use have an emotional content attached to them.

When we hear words, we also associate emotions with them and we release chemicals in our brain that influence how we feel.

Think carefully about the words that you choose and the effects that you will evoke in others. By taking time to think about and sometimes change the words we use, we can alter the way people react to us and alter feelings we take from situations.

Working on your body language, intonation, use of words and ambience will help to significantly improve the effectiveness of your communication with others.

Key Point Never assume that because you have told someone something that he or she has heard it or understood it.

When two people get into conflict with a difference of opinion, there are basically three levels of dealing with this. These three levels are negotiation, mediation and arbitration. The last two involve the third person.