Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

by Gordon Neufeld

We are pretty good at guiding our toddlers and preschoolers, probably because we assume that without us they would be lost. We are constantly informing them of what is going to happen, where we will be, what they will be doing, who this person is, what something means. It is after this phase that we seem to lose our confidence and this crucial collecting instinct becomes dulled.

The key to reclaiming a child is to reverse the conditions that cause peer orientation. We need to create an attachment void by separating the child from her peers, and then place ourselves in the void as substitutes.

Like most behavioral approaches, grounding works best with those who need it least and is least effective with those who need it most.

But under any circumstances, grounding, if we are to employ it at all, works best if parents seize it as an opportunity to reestablish the relationship with their child. And that means taking all punitive tone and emotion out of the interaction.

No matter what problem or issue we face in parenting, our relationship with our children should be the highest priority.

Confusion is rarely the issue: a child will usually know what is expected and is either unable or unwilling to deliver.

It is a rare parent who doesn’t lose it sometimes. Perfect equanimity is beyond us.

The real harm is inflicted when we neglect to re-collect our child, thus conveying that the relationship is not important to us or, alternatively, if we leave the impression that it is the child’s responsibility to restore the connection.

whatever our children’s main form of attaching, our primary goal is to help them stay connected enough to us so there is no need for them to replace us.

Some useful techniques for parents to help their children bridge unavoidable separation include giving the child pictures of themselves, special jewelry or lockets to wear, notes to read or have read, something of their own for the child to hold on to when apart, phone calls at appointed times, recordings of their voice with special songs or messages, something with their smell on it, gifts to be opened at special times.

giving your child a sense of where you are when you’re not with her. Familiarizing her with your workplace can help.

Cultivating connections that are multifaceted and deeply rooted is the best prevention for peer orientation.

It is an indication of how peer crazy we have become that even the family holiday has succumbed to the idea that children belong with children and adults with adults, or that holidays are to enable parents to get a break from their kids. The more breaks we take, the less attached children are to us.

The structures that facilitate the parent-child relationship are key: family holidays, family celebrations, family games, family activities.

Unless a time and place is set aside and rituals are created, pressures that are more urgent will inevitably prevail.

Precisely now, when we need the family sit-down meal more than ever before, we’re likely to eat on our own and allow our children to do the same.

Parents need to use meals to get into their children’s space in a friendly way.

We have to create a time and place for an activity with a child where our real agenda is connection.

A limitless number of activities can provide the cover: working on a project, going for walks, playing a game, cooking together, reading.

the technological paraphernalia that serve peer attachments may need to be sacrificed, just as alcohol would be barred from the home if a family member had a drinking problem or the television would be disconnected if the limits you imposed were being ignored.

We need strength to withstand the desperate pleadings of a peer-oriented child, to endure the inevitable upset and the storm of protest.

In our quick-fix culture with its focus on short-term results, the be-all and the end-all is the behavior itself. If we gain compliance, even if only temporarily, we deem the method successful.

Time-outs to teach a lesson, “tough love” to bring behavior into line, and “1-2-3 Magic”* to make kids comply are tactics that strain the relationship.

Ordering children around provokes counterwill—as, for that matter, does bribing them with rewards.

We need to find the same compassion for ourselves that we wish to extend to our child.

THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES OF NATURAL DISCIPLINE

Use Connection, Not Separation, to Bring a Child into Line

Separation has always been the trump card in parenting. Today it has been elevated to a fad ...

Today they bring an added disadvantage: they help create conditions that increase children’s susceptibility to peer orientation.

Subjecting a child to unnecessary experiences of separation, even if from the best of intentions, is shortsighted, and a mistake that nature does not easily forgive. It is foolish to risk our power to parent tomorrow for a little extra clout today.

When in trouble, it is better to increase proximity rather than to decrease it. The will to connect must be in the parent before there is anything positive for the child to respond to.

The principle of connection before direction applies to almost anything, whether asking about homework, requesting help with setting the table, reminding the child about clothes to be hung up, informing that it is time to switch off the television, or confronting on some sibling interaction.

When something goes wrong, the usual response is to confront the behavior in question as soon as possible. In psychology this is referred to as the immediacy principle and is based on the notion that if the behavior is not addressed forthwith, the opportunity for learning will be lost. The child will have “gotten away” with misbehaving. This concern is unfounded.

During an upset the child is likely to be out of control. Choosing such a moment to correct, direct, or to teach “lessons” is a waste of time.

With the relationship in mind, the immediate objectives are to stop the behavior if need be and to preserve a working attachment. We can always revisit the incident and the behavior later, once we have calmed the intense feelings and reestablished the connection.

When a child’s behavior is driven by instinct and emotion, there is little chance of imposing order through confrontation and barking commands.

Children who have trouble with self-control also lack the ability to recognize the impact of their behavior or to anticipate consequences.

We cannot get our children to be more mature than they are, no matter how much we insist they “grow up.”

rather than demanding that they spontaneously exhibit mature behavior, we could script the desired behavior.

Scripting is not designed to teach a child social skills—generally an exercise in futility—but to orchestrate the social interaction until maturation and genuine socialization emerge.

When Unable to Change the Child, Try Changing the Child’s World

The less children are in need of discipline, the more effective any method will be. The obverse is also true: the more a child is in need of discipline, the less effective the commonly taught disciplining techniques will be.

What makes any child difficult to discipline is the absence of the factors that provide the basis for our natural princip...

When reasonable attempts to discipline do not work, the answer is not to discipline harder but to discipline differently.

If what we perceive is that a child is being willful, we are inclined to focus narrowly on trying to fix his behavior, which we dislike and resent. If, instead, we recognized that a child is simply getting carried away by his impulses, we would be more apt to alter the situation that evoked those impulses in the first place.

If all we see is that a child is throwing a tantrum or is striking out at someone, we are likely to focus on the aggression. If, on the other hand, we recognized that a child is unable to handle the frustration he is experiencing, we would try to change the circumstances that frustrate him.

The less receptive a child is to other modes of discipline, the more we need to compensate by structuring the child’s life.

Structures create a child’s environment in a predictable fashion, imposing some needed ritual and routine.

Parents in days gone by may have gotten away with such techniques, but if they did, it was only because they had no reason to fear the competing attachments with which today’s parents are confronted.

At first glance peer-oriented children appear to be more independent, less clingy, more schoolable, more sociable and sophisticated.